Page 75 of On Thin Ice

Not just from this house. Fromme. From everything we could have had if I wasn’t so fucking scared all the damn time.

I had to tell him the truth.

When I reached his bedroom door, I knocked once.

“Go away,” came a muffled reply that sounded thick with misery.

“No,” I said, my voice cracking in the dark hallway. “Please. We need to talk.”

When he didn't answer, I turned the knob and pushed the door open. Bell was on his bed, curled tight around a pillow like he was trying to hold himself together by sheer force of will. Even in the dim light, I could see the way his shoulders heaved with each uneven breath.

“Bell,” I whispered his name, the word coming out strangled.

He didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge me beyond a tightening of his grip on the pillow.

I crossed the room and dropped to my knees by his bed, reaching for him before I could think better of it. The moment my fingertips brushed his back, he flinched away with a violent jerk.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he snarled, his voice raw.

Even though it shouldn’t have—not after the scene in the living room earlier—his rejection hit like a crosscheck to the sternum. I let my hand fall, but didn’t move from my position on the floor.

“Baby, please,” I rasped, the words catching in my throat. “I know I don’t deserve to?—”

“You don’t deserve shit,” he cut me off, finally rolling to face me. His eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, his jaw clenched so tight I could see the muscle jumping. “Did you even think about how it felt for me to wait here all night, wondering where you were, who you were with?”

The accusation in his eyes broke something in me. My chest heaved as I struggled to breathe through the crushing weight of what I’d done.

“I wasn’t with anyone,” I whispered. “I swear to God, Bell.”

A hollow laugh escaped him. “Then why do you smell like someone else’s cheap cologne? Why’d you leave me here alone?”

“Because you’re right. I’m a fucking coward!” The admission tore from me, leaving me feeling hollowed out and empty. “Because I got scared and I ran, like I always do—just like you said.”

Bell’s eyes narrowed, disbelief written across his face.

“I wasn’t with anyone,” I repeated, my voice cracking. “Some drunk asshole spilled his beer all over me at the bar. I changed into an old shirt I found in my car. The cologne … it was from a promo Lacey did last season.”

His expression didn’t soften, but something shifted in his eyes.

“I let you think—” My voice broke completely, and to my horror, I felt the burn of tears in my eyes and throat. I swallowed past the lump there. “I let you think I could be with someone who wasn’t you because it was easier than admitting how fucking terrified I am.” The tears came then, humiliating and unstoppable, spilling down my cheeks.

“Terrified of what, exactly?” Bell demanded, but his voice had lost some of its edge. “Make me understand.”

“Of everything.” I dragged a shaking hand through my hair. “Of wanting you. Of needing you. Of what happens if people find out about us.” A ragged breath tore from my lungs. “Of what happens if they don’t, and I spend the rest of my life hiding the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Bell said nothing, but his eyes never left mine.

“You were right,” I continued, the words rushing out now. “Idon’thave anything. I don’t have friends, and I don’t have a relationship with my family. Not really. I’ve spent my whole fucking life running from who I am, and then you came along and—” I choked on the words, had to force them out. “And yousawme. The real me. It was like you took one fucking look at me and justknew. You made me feel alive for the first time ever, and it fucking terrifies me.”

He stared at me for a long moment, his breathing uneven. “You hurt me,” he finally said, his voice sounding small and uncertain.

So not like the Bell I knew and loved.

“I know. Iknow, and I hate myself for it.” I reached for his hand, desperate for connection. He didn’t pull away this time, but he didn’t grasp mine back, either. “And I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you’ll let me.”

“Why should I believe you?” he asked, his voice flat, empty. “How do I know you won’t run the next time a bunch of assholes post those types of comments again? Because I guarantee you, they absolutely will.”

I swallowed hard. “I can’t promise I won’t be scared.” I shifted closer, still on my knees. “I can’t lose you, Bell. You’re the most important person in my life.”

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