Page 34 of On Thin Ice

But he stayed.

I shifted my feet slowly, deliberately, giving him time to see me move toward him. Giving him every chance to back away.

He didn’t.

He just stood there, breathing like he’d just skated a full sixty minutes, his whole body vibrating with anger and fear and pain.

So I did what any halfway decent person in the same position would do: I crossed the room and wrapped my arms around him.

Ethan went rigid the second I touched him, a muffled sound of protest catching in his throat. I half-expected him to shove me off, maybe even take a swing at me. Maybe I deserved it.

Maybe I deserved him hating me for this.

But I didn’t let go.

I tightened my grip. “It’s okay, Ethan. You’re not alone. Everything is going to be all right.”

For one long, agonizing moment, he fought me, his muscles tense and shaking under my hands until a broken, shuddering sob tore out of him. Then he sagged against me, his forehead dropping to my shoulder, his whole body collapsing in on itself. I held him tighter.

Like he was something precious to me.

Like I could keep him from falling apart if I just held on long enough.

Even if he hated me tomorrow for everything that had happened between us tonight, I’d hold him until he wouldn’t let me anymore.

I didn’t know how long we stood there like that. Long enough for his breathing to slow and for the tension in his muscles to ease a little.

Long enough for me to feel the faintest tremor of trust in the way he sagged against me, my hand smoothing slow circles between his shoulder blades.

But then, just when I thought all the fight had gone out of him, he stiffened suddenly, and a shudder ran through him. “I can’t do this,” he said, pulling against my hold.

I loosened my arms, and he peeled himself away, his eyes darting around the room, his shoulders curling inward like he was trying to make himself smaller. Like he was trying to disappear into himself.

I stepped back, giving him the space he needed.

He scrubbed a hand down his face and laughed, a rough, broken sound that I felt deep in the pit of my stomach.

“You shouldn’t have let me do that,” he muttered, his voice thick with shame.

I clenched my hands into fists at my sides, nails biting into my palms. “Don’t you dare put that on me,” I bit out, frustration coursing through me. I was trying my fucking best to be understanding right now, but I wasn’t his punching bag.

But I also wasn’t completely innocent, either, and I needed to own that.

“Okay, yeah. Maybe I stepped over the line last week. I’m not saying I didn’t fuck up, Ethan, but you’re the one who kissed me tonight.Youdropped to your knees.Youbegged to suck my cock.”

He shrank back like I’d physically hit him.

It shouldn’t have felt like a victory to watch him flinch. But Jesus, I needed him to take some ownership, too. I hadn’t forced anything on him that he didn’t want. I hadn’t taken advantage of him.

“You wanted it, Ethan,” I said, my voice quieter now. “But so did I.”

He made a strangled noise low in his throat, and then he was moving again. “Of course I wanted it!” he snapped as he stalked to the window. “Want is all I know. I wake up every goddamn day wanting things I’m not supposed to want.”

He laughed then, the sound sharp and broken. “I’m nothing but want, Bell.” He jabbed a finger at his chest, the motion sharp and vicious. “That’s the whole fucking problem. But for years, I kept it locked down. Buried it under so many lies, I didn’t know what was real anymore. Smothered it until I couldn’t breathe.”

He glared at me like this was all my fault.

“And then you waltzed into my life with your stupid cocky smile and your dumb jokes and your silly fucking … silliness, and you were ridiculous. Youareridiculous. But you’re also so fucking kind. And good. You bring sunshine wherever you go, and sometimes I hate you for it because I’ve gotten so used to living in the dark.”

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