Page 66 of The Paris Chapter

That was the perfect title for my novel.

31

The next few days were spent in a writing haze.

I worked all the hours I could and it helped to stop me thinking about Ethan and Paris. But once I finished for the day, I lay awake in bed remembering our kisses and touches, and the look on his face when he saw me with Joe. It haunted me. I kept wondering what would have happened if Joe hadn’t turned up in Paris like he had done.

And then my furniture I had bought with Ethan arrived. I put my new writing desk by the window in my living room so I could look out at the river view while I wrote. It fitted in perfectly.

‘I love it,’ Carly said when she came round to work with me on a bright Monday morning. There were signs that spring was on its way to the city, and I couldn’t wait. The winter had been such a long one. ‘You found such gems in Paris.’

I nodded as I looked at it. ‘I did. Ethan knew some really great places. I told him this flat didn’t feel like home yet so he took me out and helped me arrange to ship this all over.’

Carly looked across at me. ‘Sounds like he cared about you, Tessa.’

‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But it was too complicated. And I messed up by kissing Joe. I don’t think he’d ever forgive that. And even if he could, we live in different cities.’ I shrugged but I was sad that he wouldn’t know how good the furniture looked in my flat. ‘It’s really starting to feel like home,’ I added, looking around.

‘It really does.’ Carly curled up with her laptop on my sofa to start work while I sat down at my new desk and opened up my manuscript. ‘How’s the book coming now?’ she called over.

‘Good, I think. My characters are just on a romantic night standing by the Seine looking up at the sparkling Eiffel Tower. It might be time for their first kiss.’ I started to write. My leading lady had been on a journey since arriving in Paris, realising that even though she had believed love was over forever, it was right there in front of her again if she had the courage to open her heart to it.

That was the thing about love. You could try to run or hide from it but it would always be there waiting until you were ready. This man beside me was the last thing I expected to find in Paris.

But I had found him.

But somehow, more than that, I had realised what I wanted out of my life. I had decided to follow my dream of moving to my favourite city. To start over. To listen to my gut. To open my heart to possibility.

So, most of all, I had realised I needed to love myself. I had found me. And that was a love story that would never end.

As we kissed under the glow of the Eiffel Tower, I knew whatever happened between us, I would be okay and I wouldnot run away from love ever again. Because this moment was worth all the heartache that had come before Paris. And I wanted to be, I deserved to be, happy.

‘Tessa, are you okay? You’re crying,’ Carly said, alarmed.

I looked over at her in surprise. I reached up and touched a tear that was rolling down my cheek. ‘I hadn’t realised. What I was writing did it. I think I finally see why I was attracted to Joe, why I stayed when I knew deep down it wasn’t the right relationship… I think I didn’t believe I deserved the kind of love I write about. That I didn’t love myself enough to walk away from him. I thought I wasn’t good enough, you know? Maybe I’ve always thought that a little bit.’

‘Why?’ Carly asked, looking shocked.

‘I’ve always felt kind of different; you know how much I overthink and worry and how I live in these fantasy worlds I create – my imagination overworks a lot. I hate wearing dresses or doing housework, I hate cooking, I’m not sure I want to be wife or a mother, but instead of accepting that about myself, of loving who I am, I kept trying to earn the approval and love of these men the world sees as ideals. Because maybe then I would finally fit in and be accepted and be the kind of woman I’m supposed to be. But now I realise I can only be myself. And that’s okay.’

‘Of course it’s okay, it’s more than okay. You’re amazing, Tessa. I admire your creativity, your style, your sense of humour, and your loyalty. You have been such a good friend to me. I had no idea you didn’t feel accepted. You’ve always been accepted by me.’ She got up from the sofa to come over to my desk and pulled me into her arms. ‘I love you for exactly who you are. So does Luke. And all your friends in Paris. And what about your readers? They love your stories. You make people feel better with your words. You inspire people. When I thoughtI might be pregnant, I called you instead of telling my husband first!’

I chuckled through my tears. ‘Thank you.’

‘Thankyou. You’re my best mate and you deserve everything. You are more than good enough, you’re the best.’

I hugged her tightly. ‘So are you.’

‘I’ve always seen exactly who you are and I love you.’

I nodded. ‘I love you too.’

Loving myself was the first step in letting go of my fears. Because if you loved yourself and realised you deserved love then it didn’t matter if someone walked away from you like Joe had done. They weren’t the right person for you. You would be okay. Because you knew you were good enough. Relationships would come and go, people too, like Carly had said, but you always had yourself.

‘Let’s go out for dinner and celebrate your book, and you, and us,’ Carly said, gesturing to her stomach. ‘We’ve been working so hard, we deserve it.’

I grinned. ‘Okay, I like that idea.’

‘Where do you fancy? We’ll get Luke to take us; it can be his treat.’

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