Page 17 of The Paris Chapter

I let out a sigh. I had just agreed to a night out with his French friends. What was Paris doing to me? I pulled up the picture Ethan had taken of me then I opened up Instagram. I searched for his name and saw he had an account on there. His photos were mostly, unsurprisingly, of food and a few of his friends. There wasn’t one of Joe that I could see. Which was a relief. I pressed the follow button.

Then I went to my account and posted the photo Ethan had taken of me in Shakespeare and Company. I tagged him and thanked him for taking me to such a wonderful bookshop and said how happy I had been to find one of my books in there. I looked at my smile in the picture. I seemed more relaxed than I had been for a while. Was that just because of Paris – or Ethan too?

Then I put my phone down and panic hit me. I wondered how sophisticated Ethan’s friends were. I had nothing nice to wear. I had no idea what one even wore to a Parisian restaurant. I was a jeans-and-a-t-shirt woman. I liked to be comfortable. I didn’t enjoy dressing up. I didn’t really own many dresses or skirts. I didn’t feel like myself if I wore them. And heels felt like torture devices to me.

Why can’t you wear a dress for once?

Joe’s words echoed through my mind. He had given me a sneer looking at me one evening before we went out for a meal. I had on jeans, a t-shirt and my leather jacket and trainers. I had felt so shit when he’d said that to me. I hated that he had mademe feel like I should change if I wanted him to be happy with me. If I wanted him to love me. I had been so worried he would leave me. I wish I had known what kind of man he was and walked away before he was able to hurt me like he had done.

Ugh!

Getting up, I left the café and checked on my phone for shops nearby. I had heard of the department store Galeries Lafayette Paris Haussmann. The rain had started to ease so I decided to walk there.

I didn’t want to keep replaying conversations with Joe over and over in my mind forever. It was like one of my books except I couldn’t change the ending or throw in a plot twist. Real life never went the way you wanted it to. I couldn’t control it like I could my stories. I fantasised about all the things I could have said or done while I was with Joe. But would the outcome have changed even if I could go back and do it differently? And did I even want to any more?

If I was honest, Joe had made me unsure whether anyone could love me for who I was. And I hated that. I didn’t want to think that way. Joe had been a liar and a cheat. He was in the wrong. So why did I still feel like what happened was somehow my fault?

Fuck him for making me feel like this.

I found the department store after a long but pleasant walk. It was stunning inside, similar to Harrods in London, and I walked around in awe. I had felt pressure to dress more like Joe wanted me to even though I felt uncomfortable. But I didn’t want him to be in my head about my style any more. I wanted to be myself. To dress how I wanted to. I didn’t want to feel like I had to change for someone again.

Wandering around the clothes section, I had to stop myself thinking about what Ethan’s friends would be dressing like andfocus on what I wanted to wear. Ethan had only seen me in jeans and he had still invited me tonight. Still wanted me to come. No mention of what I needed to wear. I hoped that meant he didn’t care. I wanted to wear something that made me feel good, not something that I thought I should put on to fit in then feel miserable all night. Like I had so many times while I was with Joe. I couldn’t get that time, those nights, back, but I could make sure I didn’t fall into the same trap again.

I spotted one of my favourite brands then. It was pricey but they did some really chic streetwear and even though I knew I probably shouldn’t spend too much money in case I couldn’t write this book, there was something about being on holiday that made it easier to throw caution to the wind. To worry less about my looming deadline. To try to just enjoy myself.

I saw a grey faded T-shirt with a phoenix on it. I snapped a photo and sent it to Carly.

Too on the nose?

She replied quickly as always.

We love a not-so subtle dig.

She added a thumbs-up emoji.

I headed to pay for the top and sent another message to Carly as I waited in the queue.

Are you feeling any better?

Not really, think it might be the flu or something. Luckily, I don’t have much on for the next couple of days so going to rest. That tee for anything special?

I’m going out to a restaurant tonight, with Ethan and some of his Parisian friends.

You’re hanging out with Ethan now?!!!

I smiled at the exclamation marks.

He’s actually a nice guy. He took me to a bookshop today! I have no idea why he’s friends with Joe, they are so different. It’s nice having him around. I’ve been stressing less about the book.

After paying for the t-shirt, I added it to the bookshop tote bag then decided to take a slow stroll back to the apartment as the rain had finally ceased. Carly replied as I walked along the river.

Anything that makes you stress less is good IMHO.

Aw thanks. Make sure Luke takes cares of you!

I put my phone away. Carly, Luke and London felt very far away right now. It was a novelty to feel less stress after having so many weeks of feeling weighted down by it. Even my muscles felt less tense. My shoulders weren’t raised up to my ears. There was still a long way to go for me to feel ready to write again, but I was starting to miss it. And that could only be a good sign.

I opened up Instagram and saw that Ethan had followed me back and liked the picture of me in the bookshop. I smiled all the way home.

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