Page 143 of Emylia

I didn’t answer. I didn’t have to.

Gods, I didn’t even try to deny it.

“This can’t happen,”I said quietly. “Not now. Not ever.”

He stepped back like I’d slapped him. Like my words had lit lightning underneath his skin.

“I told you you’d regret it.”

“I don’t,”I said—too fast, like it carried the weight of a lie.

“You know I heard him,”he continued, stepping closer again. His voice rumbled low, steady, laced with restraint. “He said you could… sample before deciding.”

My stomach dropped. My whole body clenched at the memory of Sebastian’s words—what it would mean if I actually considered what he’d offered.

“He’s willing to give you that. Just once. So you can be sure.”

I opened my mouth. But nothing came. Because I wanted to. Gods, I wanted to. But the second the thought crystallized, I recoiled.

“If I say yes to that… to both of you…”My voice was barely audible.“What does that make me?”

Maalikai stilled. Dark brows drew together like he didn’t understand the depth of what I was really asking.

“It makes you someone trying to make the right decision.”

“No,”I whispered.

This wasn’t just about desire. I wanted both of them—unequivocally, undeniably. But the implications went deeper than lust.

Because it wasn’t justthismoment I feared would damn me. It was every moment that came before. Every choice I’d made that the world had already crucified me for. Already decided I wasn’t enough. Or that I was too much. That I didn’t deserve the air I breathed.

Most days, I could ignore it. Could pretend their judgment didn’t matter. But this? This would be absolute. No room for retribution. No brand would be large enough to wash away this sin.

“It makes me weak. It makes me indecisive. It makes me—” My voice cracked. “Slutty.”

He flinched like I’d struck him.

“I’ve fought so hard to believe I’m worth something.Anything,”I confessed. “To hold onto the last shred of self-respect I have. But if I do this… if I let myself have both of you, even for a second—” I swallowed, throat burning. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to look at myself the same. And that’s all I have left. My own idea of myself. If I lose that—I lose everything.”

His jaw flexed. But when he spoke, his voice was soft. “Is that really how you see yourself?”

“Yes.”My voice was barely a breath. “It’s how I see me. How the world sees me. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending that doesn’t matter.” Tears burned my eyes. “I’m not enough—for you. For Sebastian. For this world. I’m nothing.” Something vital inside me fractured–quietly, completely–the sound of it echoing. Hollow. Claiming. “I don’t even know why either of you want me. One day, you’ll wake up and realise I’m not enough… that I never was.”

I knew I wasn’t perfect. But the thought of tainting whatever dignity I had left—it was enough to rip me apart.

“I can’t stand the thought of hating myself for what I want,”I whispered. “And I don’t know if I’ll still recognize the girl I am if I let myself have this.”

Maalikai stepped closer, so near his breath brushed my lips. “You are not shameful,”he said. “You’re not less because you feel too much. You are fire and storm and soul—and you are worthy of love, no matter how broken you feel.”

My throat locked. A thousand words welled up. None of them made it to my lips.

“You think if you choose both, even for a moment, you’ll lose yourself,”he said gently. “But maybe that’s how you find yourself. Not the version the world wants. The real you. The unapologetic you.”

My heart shattered. “I don’t know if I’m brave enough to find her,”I whispered.

He reached for me—fingers ghosting up my thigh, tracing the storm beneath my skin. My body lit up in response, betraying me with how much I wanted him.

“See?”he murmured. “You want this just as much as I do. And if this helps you finally choose—if it helps you see what you need—I’m not afraid.”

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