Page 30 of Duke of Ruin

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I wake up in the morning, or at least I think it’s morning. Everything hurts. I reach into my pocket for the pills that the doctor gave me before I left the hospital and take three, washing them down with water from the sink. Now that I’ve slept, I can think a little more clearly, but my situation doesn’t look any more hopeful.

I start piecing everything together. I know that Noah was a fucking cop, and I know that my father and uncle set me up to fail and die. Now my father’s dead, Noah’s handler is probably dead, and Noah is missing. I grab my phone to check my messages. I shouldn’t be surprised that he hasn’t tried to contact me, but my heart still sinks even farther.

I roll off the bed and head for the shower. This whole damn apartment is full of memories. I don’t even know what I would say to Noah if he did try to contact me. I don’t think this is something we can get past. Even if I gave him the chance to explain, how could I ever trust him again?

Suddenly, things start to make sense. All the times I thought I was being selfish when Noah was just feeling some sort of way about lying to me. When Noah was having a bad day it wasn’t because of school or family, it was because he was arguing with his fuckinghandler. The man last night said something about Noah telling him I was innocent. I don’t even know what that means. My chest constricts as I turn the shower on, and flashes of Noah threaten to blind me. How many hours did we spend together in this apartment?

I shut off the water as tears threaten to overwhelm me again. I have no idea what to do next. It almost seems like the best thing would be just to wait here until someone finds and kills me. None of it matters anyway. I wanted out of the family, and now I’ve gotten my way. Be careful what you wish for and all that. As I begin to pull my clothes on I hear a soft tapping on the door and my breath stills in my lungs. I reach into the drawer of my nightstand and pull out my .45. Thankfully I left it here before the raid, something I realize was incredibly stupid in hindsight.

The tapping starts on the door again, and I pad over toward it in my bare feet. I tiptoe up to peer through the peephole, and my heart comes to a complete stop in my chest. I take a deep breath and yank open the door. I grab Noah by the shirt, throw him onto the floor, and slam the door shut behind me, locking the deadbolt before training the pistol on Noah as he scrambles to regain his footing.

I expect him to look angry or betrayed, anything other than the pure guilt and agony I see in his eyes. My heart twists as I look at him, and I have to remind myself that he’s a fucking liar.

“What are you doing here?” I hiss at him. He raises his hands as he gets to his feet.

“I didn’t…I didn’t think you’d be here, but I wanted to make sure you knew that this place wasn’t safe anymore,” Noah says, and I lower the pistol slightly.

“Yeah, thanks for that,” I snap, and he winces. I immediately feel bad, but I shove the feeling aside. He deserves the pain.

“Rossi’s dead,” he says, and I guess that’s supposed to mean something to me. “He was my handler and he’s told the entire department that I’ve turned. I’m not safe here anymore.”

“Join the fucking club,” I say, and his eyes narrow. “I met your fuckinghandlerlast night. I guess I should thank him.”

“For what?” Noah asks.

“He claims you ruined everything, and I’m inclined to agree,” I say, lowering the gun. Noah’s obviously not a threat, at least not physically. He takes a step toward me, but I shake my head and he stops.

“Eli, I’m sorry,” Noah says. Tears sting my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I won’t let him see what he’s done to me.

“Fucking save it, Noah,” I bark. “It’s not like I can believe you. Everything you’ve ever said to me was a lie.”

“Not everything,” Noah whispers as he looks at the floor. I’m not falling for it, though.

“You should be proud. Your handler killed Mario Carbone last night,” I say instead.

“What?” Noah’s eyes shoot to mine, searching for something.

“Yeah, I’m supposed to be dead, and the only safe place for me in this fucking city has been compromised thanks to you, so save your fucking apologies for someone who gives a shit.”

“I tried to stop him,” Noah says, his gaze turning back to the floor. He takes a step forward and God help me, I let him. “I tried to stop all of this. I tried to tell you, I swear.”

God, I want to believe him. I want to believe him so bad I almost do. Instead I say, “Fuck you, Noah,” and he flinches like I struck him.

“Eli, I really do love you,” Noah whispers, and my throat tightens.

“Fuck you! No you don’t! It was all a lie!” My voice breaks. Tears start to slide down my cheeks, and I hate Noah even more.

“No it wasn’t,” Noah whispers, and I take a step closer to him. Tears stream down his face, though they’re silent. “Eli, I fell in love with you, hard,” he continues, and I fight to keep the sobs at bay. “I fucked up, I know I did. I should never have been in this goddamned position in the first place. I don’t know how I could ever make it up to you, but I swear, I fuckingswearthat I’ll spend the rest of my life trying, whether you want me to or not.”

I drop the gun to my side and collapse onto one of the barstools in the kitchenette. How can I love this man so much? Even after all he’s done, I just want to run into his arms and tell him everything’s okay, but I can’t. That would be beyond stupid. I want to tell him that we can figure it out. I want to tell him that I love him and I always will. But I don’t.

“Get out,” I hiss at him as I gasp for air.

“Eli, please,” Noah begs as he takes another step toward me. He reaches out a hand, but I slap it away. I know I’ll melt completely if he touches me.

“Get out,” I say again, this time with a bit more strength.

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