But he wasn’t asking what she’d done, was he? He was asking whether it had been difficult.
Yes,she admitted. She hadn’t always been as good at resisting the temptation to pry—to influence, even—as she was now. It had taken her a long time to learn to respect the sanctity of other people’s minds.
When she was young, she had spent altogether too much time digging into other people’s heads and then being upset about what she found there. It was foolish. But she hadn’t had other Ashara around to teach her these things. She’d had to learn them on her own. Painfully. Clumsily.
People thought about things they’d never speak of aloud. They were passionate, loving, hateful, selfish, disgusting, beautiful beings. In their most raw form, that of their naked mind, they required infinite patience and understanding and gentleness.
You seem skilled at it,Vaara thought.
That made her pause.Why are you letting me do this?she asked.
His thoughts hummed in a spiral over her.
I trust you, said the dark space all around her.
I don’t know if anyone’s ever said that to me before.
I must be more foolish than everyone else, then.
Do you think so?
Not really.
There was a pause as Crow continued to browse his thoughts and memories.
There was a dark spot in the center of his mind that was impossible to ignore. A swirling, seething mass that was difficult to see unless you looked directly at it, but once you noticed it, you could see it infecting every other part of him with dark, shadowy tendrils. The source of it seemed to be his memories from the prison, though some of it went back further than that, to memories from long ago.
You know,Crow thought,I could… dampen some of your memories. The painful ones.
There was another sparking of fear, like a fire being lit.Dampen? You mean make me forget?
No. Not forget. But I could make them feel different. You wouldn’t recall them as vividly. You wouldn’t remember the feelings so strongly.
There was a long pause as he considered that. There was a seed of interest, but also trepidation. He was tempted.
What about yourself?he asked.Can you change your own memories? About your time with Patros?
The question caught her off guard.I would if I could,she thought.I heard of an Ashara trying to change her own thoughts. She drove herself mad tweaking things one way and the other until she no longer knew who she was or what was real because she couldn’t trust her own memories.Vaara’s thoughts grew unsettled.It’s not something to be done lightly.
It was that disquiet that made him hold back. In the end, there was no question in his mind about what he wanted.
No, he thought.Please don’t touch anything.
It was the answer she had expected, but it still made her a little sad to hear.As you wish.
Did you come here for a reason, or just to nose around?
Shehadcome here for a reason.
She filed through his thoughts until she found his memory of meeting her on the street outside the tavern earlier that day. She dove into the memory.
It was cold, but the sun was warm through his heavy cloak. She saw herself from his perspective. She saw herself come closer, saw herself speaking, and felt the thick welling of emotion in Vaara’s heart as he looked at her.
Crow’s face was hard and troubled. She was telling him she wouldn’t be deterred from going with him to face Alexei.
Vaara felt a twinge of frustration. Why was she so goddess-damned stubborn? Why did she feel the need to argue and spite him at every turn? Why was she so insistent that she knew what was best for him?
He hated it—and he loved her for it.