Page 51 of Because of Me

It’s an afterthought, clearly, but it doesn’t cut through me the way it might have earlier. My feelings aside, Amira feels like she needs her space and I can’t hold that against her. Maybe space will do her good. After all, it’s only a night out with her cousin.

“No, thank you.” I lean closer so I can talk without raising my voice.

She pouts, dropping a hand to my knee. She squeezes, then holding her grip presses her hand up my thigh. Her thumb stretches a little higher still and she bites her lip. “I was hoping you’d come. I know I freaked out earlier, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the benefits of what we have now.”

I want to give in. So much it hurts. My fingers twitch, and all the blood in my body rushes south. Because the benefits were more than great and yes, I want more. But if she’s as uncertain as she seems, I don’t think more is best. And I’d be willing to bet the wine is messing with her inhibitions.

“I’ll wait up,” I say as I place my hand over hers. “But before anything else, you need to know what you want. I don’t want this to be fake anymore. Even fake with real benefits. I want the whole thing.”

“I know you do.”

I drop my head, eyes on our hands. “And what do you want?”

“It’s not about what I want, Noah. It’s about what I need.”

“And what’s that, Cupcake?” I squeeze, hoping for the answer I don’t think she is going to give me.

“I need this to be what we always intended it to be.”

I look up at her, but she’s blurry from the tears in my eyes.

“Fake,” she finishes. And my heart cracks right through the middle.

AMIRA

“Picking up this shift was the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

Even as I say the words, feeling as groggy as I do, I know they aren’t the truth. The biggest mistake I ever made was asking Noah to be my date all those months ago. I’d practically begged him and look where we ended up.

Once the tears started flowing, I couldn’t do anything to stop them. Noah’s caring but overbearing instincts did nothing to help. If anything they made it worse, but I don’t hold that against him. Any guy worth the shirt on his back would do what he could to support his crying date. Even if she had just broken his heart.

Because I have no doubt that’s what happened. I saw the crack forming through the back of his eyes. The way his mouth pressed into a thin line to stop his lip from trembling. The way his hands shook until he clenched them by his sides.

While he drove us home, the air was so thick it hurt to breathe. Ella didn’t seem to care that our plans to go out had been thwarted, and her happy chirps from the back seat did nothing to distract me from the sheer hurt I know I caused. She bounded ahead of us after Noah parked, leaving us to trudge up the stairs side by side. Her door was already closed when we entered the apartment, and we stood awkwardly in the hall when we realised that even after everything I said, we were still about to share a bed. It was about as real couple-y as it gets.

I could have asked Noah to leave, and if I had he would have gone without a second breath. But I couldn’t. Even now I’m telling myself it’s because it was late and he deserved his rest, but deep down in the trenches of my soul I know it’s just because I wanted to sleep next to him one more time.

And besides, even though Ella knows the truth about our relationship, I’m not ready to explain to her why he’s not staying anymore.

Instead, I made plans to be out of the house as early as humanly possible today. Cassidy’s sister was meant to be working the coffee cart this morning, but with the early summer heat and her pregnancy progressing, she’s eager to skip as many days as Cassidy and I can afford to have her missing. A fact I took full advantage of when I messaged to ask if she wanted the morning off.

I’m glad to be out of the house, away from Ella’s all-knowing looks and Noah’s undoubtable sorrow, but man I’m tired.

Cassidy is dragging buckets of flowers through the back when I turn the coffee machine on with a yawn.

“Why did you do it then?” She grunts as she lifts an overflowing bucket off the cart and onto one of the low-lying tables by the entrance. Musky green dollar gum leaves tickle against her arms and chin as she does, but the eucalyptus scent spreads through the room and clears my nose. Breathing comes a little easier and I’ll take that win even though I know it’s only temporary.

“I needed to get out of the house.” I tie my apron around my waist and check the small bar fridge is stocked with enough milk for the Sunday morning rush. “You want coffee? Iced?”

Cassidy moves onto the rest of the buckets, arranging the bulk native flowers on the table with an artistic flair only she has. There’s no doubt she was made to do this, and although her sister and I are getting better at the floristry side of the business, it’s clear to anyone who walks in if Cassidy has set out the flowers.

“Please,” she says as she stands back to admire her work. The flowers aren’t even sectioned into bouquets yet, but she’s placed them on the table in a way that has each flower complementing those near it. It looks beautiful.

I make our drinks while she fetches another cart full of flowers from the back. These ones are brighter, roses and carnations in just about every colour of the rainbow, and she gets to work scattering them through the gaps around the tables.

“Is Ella that bad to live with?” she calls over her shoulder as she works.

I use the loud grinding of the coffee machine brewing to stall, but when it quietens, I look up to find Cassidy standing right in front of me. Her hands are on her hips and she has her head cocked as she waits for my response.

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