Page 17 of Because of Me

And there it is, the other boot slamming down on my toe. Because that’s what my big grand extended family does. They’re too much, always. But they are always there for you. And by default, that means I’m expected to always be there for them.

My on-the-fly plan of Noah ‘moving in’ doesn’t fill the empty bed in my apartment. Which means my cousin will still be coming to stay.

The story I keep telling my family is expanding, and if I want to keep up the charade I’m going to need more help from Noah than either of us bargained for. And all I can do now is hope he plays along.

AMIRA

Conversation flitters around me, but barely registers against the constant nagging in my brain. Cassidy and her sister, Madison, sit with me on the grass in Cassidy’s new backyard. She and Callum officially moved in yesterday. Too soon to host a housewarming, if you ask me, but they were too excited to wait. As Madison talks about her due date and birth plan, I allow myself to zone completely out.

All I can think about is the mammoth-sized favour I need to ask of Noah. I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to come up with another solution, but it’s useless. My choice is between convincing Noah to come stay with me for a while or telling my family I’m suddenly single again. And I’m not thrilled about either option.

My original plan had been to slip my dilemma into conversation as we hauled Cassidy’s boxes down the stairs yesterday. See if I could pull a reaction out of Noah before I risked asking him. But Madison had called from the boutique, feeling nauseous and lethargic. It was a logistical nightmare. Cassidy had already organised a fill-in florist for the weekend, to do the wedding booked at the winery yesterday and work at the boutique with the girl we hired to help with the coffee cart today. Finding someone else at such short notice might not have been impossible, but it wasn’t going to be easy. So, after Cassidy reassured me she had enough help to move out, I’d rushed off to relieve Madison. I was gone before Noah had turned up, and I’ve had to rejig my thought process.

I’m so lost in working out how to bring it up while Noah is around I barely register when Cassidy stands to head inside. At least Madison takes the opportunity to stretch her legs out and rest her voice, so I don’t have to make conversation while my head is still so jumbled and distracted. She leans back onto her arms, and I mirror her position, lifting my head to let the sun warm my face.

It bears down, and more than anything I want to rip off my long-sleeved top and hike my skirt over my knees. I’m cursing the generational trauma built into my clothing choices, and how despite all the effort I go into breaking away from my parents’ traditional ways, I’m still uncomfortable showing too much leg or more than a hint of forearm. One day, I’ll feel brave enough to wear a skirt that shows my knees, or a top with a hint of cleavage, but today is not that day.

It’s funny though, how it hasn’t stopped me showing off my body in other ways when the timing and the mood has been right. When it’s just me and one other and I know that whoever they may be, they’re aching to see me just as badly as I’m aching to see them. Ever the modesty paradox.

I kick at the hem of my skirt, puffing it up and creating a hint of breeze to cool me down. It hardly works, but I’m forced to snap out of my subtle self-contempt when Cassidy introduces me to Callum’s ex. Apparently, they’re friends now, or amicable, at least.

Audrey wears navy linen pants and wraps her grey cardigan around her middle as she settles onto the grass. Her blonde highlights have grown out, creating an ombre effect that looks pulled together rather than overdue.

“It’s alright,” she sighs after the introductions and Cassidy’s fumbled mention of Madison’s pregnancy. “I’m pregnant too.”

She seems to relax after announcing her news, but after laughter from the kids floats outside through the open door, she straightens her back again. “Maisie doesn’t know.”

The giggling barrels closer as Audrey and Callum’s daughter leads her cousins into the yard. They run a squealing circle around the lawn before disappearing back inside, probably to continue laps of the new house.

“Your secret is safe with us,” I offer. It’s all I can muster when it comes to kids and pregnancy announcements. That side of adult life still feels entirely foreign to me.

I take the subtle break in conversation to glance over at Noah. He looks like the lanky kid who went through a growth spurt two years before the rest of the boys in his class. Only without any of the lankiness. I’ve always known he was tall, but I’m noticing it more lately. Or maybe I’m just noticing Noah more.

His dark henley fits tight across his chest and arms, but he at least has the confidence to push the sleeves up in the heat. They bunch above his elbows in a way that’s so attractive I want to rip them apart.

He stands with his back to the house, head turned slightly to face Callum, but even from this far, and from behind his sunglasses, I can feel his eyes all over me. His gaze burns hotter than the sun, making me want to tear my clothes off for a whole different reason.

And fuck, I always found him a little bit attractive but it’s like I can’t get enough anymore. And I’m about to ask to live with him. I hope he says yes, for familial reasons, butGodit’s going to be hard to hold myself together if he does.

I’m about to stand up and beg for his help when Madison bumps her elbow into me.

“So, you and Noah? How was the wedding?”

The heat becomes unbearable, and I untuck my top to wave a cool breeze over my stomach. “The wedding was … good. But no. No me and Noah. Nup.” I rush the words out far too quickly, feeling a little like I was caught passing notes in class. Did she see me staring at him?

I immediately need to get out of this conversation, out of my head. If I don’t talk to Noahright now, I’m going to chicken out in my lust-filled haze and then I’ll have to deal with my father.

It feels like all too much. I glare down at Cassidy, wondering what she told her sister. She mouths something, but since I can’t read lips, I storm off without waiting around to ask her what she means.

I’m halfway towards the guys when I realise Noah isn’t standing with them. He’s halfway into the house, and I race across the yard to catch up with him.

“Noah,” I call out as I chase him through the door.

He’s been avoiding me since he got here, but his subtle glances gave away his true motive.

A month ago—at the wedding that seared the idea ofusalong the backs of my eyelids—I could have sworn the way his eyes lingered was all for show. But now? Now he has no reason to be staring at me so intently unless he has the same fleeting rush of emotions that I do. It makes me want to throw my cold drink in his face just so he has to look down, whilst simultaneously pulling him closer and claiming his mouth.

It’s infuriating. And even though I know my own conflicting emotions are not his fault, I can’t help blaming him anyway. Maybe if he hadn’t looked so damn good in that suit, I wouldn’t be swooning over the man. Maybe if he hadn’t been so damn polite when he carried me up the stairs. Maybe if he didn’t always get under my skin with his playful jabs but know exactly when the conversation calls for something a little more serious. Maybe if his henley didn’t fit himjust soI wouldn’t be so infatuated with him now.

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