Page 64 of Because of Me

“Does he make you happy?” she asks with a knowing smirk.

I take a moment to think. Happy doesn’t even begin to express how I feel with Noah. When we’re together, I feel safe and respected and cared for. I feel confident and enthusiastic and loved. For who I am, not what I could be to someone else. Just for me.

“Yeah,” I reply as a wide smile spreads across my face. “He does.”

My father clears his throat. “Good. That is most important.”

The bass ringing through my ears now is an exact replica of the sounds of my birthday celebration. Probably because I’m back at the same hole-in-the-wall Mexican bar three hours after Christmas dinner. As my parents and I finished our pavlova, Ella called to say her and Kaya, and a few other cousins and partners, were heading out for drinks. The conversation with my parents was beginning to fizzle, and although the thought of loud music and sweaty dancing wasn’t overly appealing, it seemed better than sitting at home alone on Christmas.

So, after a quick stop at the apartment to get changed into something a fraction more night life appropriate, here I am. Sitting alone at a tiny bar table, nursing a melting margarita and twisting my body away from the male gaze. The long sparkly sleeves of my top itch at my arms, and the low cut v neckline seemed fun and daring when I placed the order online but in person feels all too revealing. Although that could just be the result of spending an afternoon with my father. After a few drinks, the small crowd of us began to dissipate. Kaya and her new husband left for the evening, a few of the guys migrated to the next club down the strip, and Ella disappeared onto the dancefloor with a friend of hers I’ve never met. Every now and then the horde of dancers parts and I see the two of them twisting and turning around a guy who looks all too thrilled to be in the middle.

They asked if I wanted to join them, but honestly the thought of being shoulder to shoulder, sweating up a storm while dancing seemed even less appealing than sitting alone. I’m staring down at my phone, playing the word game Noah got me on to, when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

“You okay?” Ella shouts into my ear.

Even from so close, it’s hard to hear her over the music. The subtle Mexican tunes that usually play during dinner have long since been overshadowed by run-of-the-mill heavy dance bops. I lean closer to her, and she turns her head so I can speak directly into her ear.

“I think I’m lonely.”

“You want to come dance?” I understand her actions more than I hear the words. She points to me, then herself, and over to the dance floor with a shimmy. Her short floral dress wisps around her as she moves.

I shake my head and point to the rear doors. “I need air.”

“I’ll come.” Grabbing my hand, she pulls me from the stool. I manage to swipe my drink from the table right as she begins weaving her way through the overcrowded club and into the small courtyard. The air is thick with smoke and vapours, so much so that I think the air was clearer inside. But at least the bass is a few decibels lower and I can actually hear Ella without the conversation turning into a game of charades. We find a corner of a table to sit at. Leaning over me, Ella takes a sip of my drink.

“Is it Noah?”

My head has barely tipped down in a nod when she wraps her arms around me so tight I struggle to breathe in the hazy air. My half-full drink sloshes against my arm, making the scratchy fabric cling to my skin.

“Are you regretting making him move out?” Ella keeps her hands on my arms as she leans back.

I go to nod, but something holds me back. The truth.

Yes, not being around Noah twenty-four-seven has been tough to get used to. And I miss him more than I ever thought I would. But moving apart was still the right decision. I needed this time to figure out what I really wanted. I needed my father’s slightly suspicious but clearly genuine acceptance of the relationship to realise I didn’t really care what he thought after all.

If it makes him happy to think he was right all along and all I needed was to find a young man to marry, then let him think that. My feelings for Noah have nothing to do with it. And I would have been perfectly happy and content if I never fell in love, but I’m ecstatic to think about the future Noah and I are going to experience. Maybe we’ll get married, maybe we won’t. But we’ll be together.

And I don’t want to spend another day putting it off.

“No,” I say, placing my drink on the table behind me. I won’t be able to drink it if I leave my back to it, but I wasn’t exactly guzzling it down anyway. Besides, I think I have somewhere else I need to be. “It was the right call. I needed it. But being apart has only shown me how much I enjoyed being together. I miss him every day, and every night.”

Ella’s face softens and she tilts her head to one side. Squeezing my arms, she shifts her hold until she can pull my hands towards her chest. “Oh Amira, you found your person.”

It sounds silly, considering how I never thought I’d even want a person. But she’s right.

“Now, stop bringing the vibe of this whole club down with your mopey looks, and go get him.”

NOAH

Turning away from the small crowd at the bar, I let my smile slip. The winery’s first Christmas has been nothing short of a success, and the dinner guests are lingering as they enjoy their Christmas puddings and dessert wines. Many wines, which business me doesn’t mind at all. My social battery is waning though, and I can’t wait to call last round so we can begin herding everyone away.

Hopefully they all had the foresight to pre-book taxis or decide on a designated driver.

Kylie’s long braid tickles my arm as she turns for the bar and steps toward me. “All good?” she asks with a nudge.

I nod, painting the customer service smile back on my face. “Just getting tired, but this is good.”

“I wish you’d stop doing that.”

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