Page 3 of Because of Me

“Just because I think it’s weird doesn’t mean you should.”

I pause, taking a drink before my coffee gets cold and picking up a makeup brush. I pat the clean brush aimlessly across my face, wondering how much I should tell her. “I don’t think it’s weird. I think it would be messy. Noah is such a hopeless romantic. Knowing him, he’d fall in love and want to get married and then what? I’d have to let him down and you’d probably end up having to choose sides.”

“You’re going to ruin your eyes.” Stepping into the tiny bathroom Cassidy grabs my wrist and pulls the brush away from my face. “Firstly, I could never choose sides, and you would both just have to live with it. But secondly, why are you so convinced it wouldn’t work?”

“Because I don’t want to do what you’re doing, Cass. I’m so happy for you, but one person for the rest of my life just doesn’t appeal to me.”

“Maybe you just haven’t found the right person?”

I make a gagging sound. “Maybe I don’t want to.”

Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever want to settle down, and maybe that’s just because I haven’t found my perfect partner, but I’m not itching to go find them.

Leaving her mug precariously close to the edge of the counter, Cassidy holds her hands up in surrender.

“Don’t say I never tried,” she laughs.

I puff out a small ‘ha’ in reply, reaching forward to push her coffee into a safer position.

At least with Cassidy, I know she’ll accept whatever future I choose for myself, even if she doesn’t understand it. I just wish my parents would do the same. But my father seems so hell-bent on pairing me up with some family friend or another, it makes me hate the idea even more. So, I avoid it like I’m avoiding an old handsy uncle at a family reunion. Even if it means pretending to be in love with Noah for an evening.

Cassidy brushes my hair as I dust shimmery rose blush over my cheeks. When I’m satisfied with my makeup, she hands me the brush and steps back to lean against the doorframe. I pass her mug to her and take a long sip of my own. It’s cooled down just enough I can savour the taste, but not so much that I need to guzzle it, lest it grow cold as I curl my long hair. The milky liquid fills my tummy, but I make a mental note to eat something before I go. I’ll have two hours of photos and a wedding ceremony to get through before I can even think about dinner, and I don’t like the sound of that wait.

“The worst part,” I say as I twist the hot curler through a section of hair, “is since I’ll be telling everyone Noah is my boyfriend, I can’t even try to find a hookup for the night. I can’t run off with some random hottie from the groom’s family and have a little fun in the garden.”

Cassidy chokes on her coffee. She reaches to place the mug on the counter beside my makeup and doubles over as she coughs.

“If you’re dreading it so much, why did you agree to take Noah to the wedding?”

I run a wide comb through my hair to soften the fresh curls and look at Cassidy through the mirror. “I don’t know. I mean, I know I wanted my dad off my back, and Noah offered and I just … took the chance I suppose. I still don’t know what the right call was.”

“Noah’s just agreed to the wedding, right? Will that be enough to satisfy your parents?”

No.I hope so? I bite the inside of my cheek as I consider my response. Truthfully, one wedding won’t be enough to get my dad off my back. With a family stretching as wide as mine there is always some family event to attend, and the minute I show up alone again my father will be back to his scheming ways. But I’ve never been one to think too far ahead.

“It won’t be,” I admit when the silence has dragged a little longer than necessary. “Until I’m married, and preferably popping out as many babies as my hips will allow, my father will always be nagging at me to settle down. Marriage is so deeply important to him he can’t see a future for me that doesn’t involve a husband and kids. I’ll never get him to quit, but if Noah can help me delay the berating, I’ll take it.”

And I’ll deal with what comes next when it comes.

NOAH

I’ve walked these stairs countless times. Hundreds, possibly, if you count the day I flew down from Sydney to help my cousin move in. But even with all those steps, all the aching muscles and laboured breaths, it was still easier than today.

I pause, halfway up the first flight, to swallow down the lump of concrete that keeps trying to settle in my throat. It lands in the pit in my stomach.

I can do this.

Lifting one foot above the other, I blow out a steady breath with each step I take, trying to remind myself this is no big deal. Trying to ignore the way the collar of my shirt scratches against my neck and the blister I’m certain is forming underneath the fancy leather shoes I bought just for the occasion. I shake my foot, cursing myself for thinking something as inconspicuous as my shoes would matter.

I’m not supposed to be here to impress Amira, only that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. She just doesn’t know it. I’ve been fascinated by her from the first day when I lugged boxes up these stairs. She stood there, in the kitchen of their small apartment, in a grey sweater and a long sundress and I swear all the light in the room came from her.

But I lived in Sydney then, and the next day I was on a flight back home with barely more than a memory of her smile.

Now, I’m back in Melbourne for good, and I’ll do anything to get to know Amira. Properly. Beyond the group hangouts with my cousin and other friends. Beyond the snarky comments we make to one another that feel like flirting but probably aren’t.

That’s why I offered to be her date for this wedding. To save her from whatever disastrous date her father was going to set her up with, sure, but also because I want her to start seeing me as more than just her roommate’s cousin. So, I’m not here to impress her in the way I would if we were on a real date, but I’m definitely trying to get her attention.

I just hate the anxious bubble of energy that’s been floating around since I agreed to this. As though my body knows this could just as easily be the start of something great as it could be the beginning of nothing.

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