Page 13 of Because of Me

This afternoon’s wedding is a smaller, more intimate affair. The couple opted to hire out only the cellar door, not the main restaurant floor, so we’ve been able to continue trading for lunch while the events team, and Cassidy, set up. At some stage, I should head around the building and check out the space, if for nothing else than to make it look like I’m in charge of that part of the business, but for now I’m leaving it up to Cassidy and the team.

“Nah,” she says with a sigh. “I underestimated how many gum leaves it would take to cover the arbour. Amira is bringing more down but I’ve done all I can for now.”

Something catches in my chest; it pulls and tugs andbegsme to make sure I’m there when Amira drops off the flowers. Just to see her. It’s been three weeks since the wedding, and I haven’t seen her or spoken to her since. I wanted to reach out, but it felt odd. Out of place considering we weren’t on those kind of terms before the wedding. And just because I spent the evening playing the part of her boyfriend doesn’t mean our casual acquaintance style friendship has suddenly shifted into anything more.

Even still, I can’t stop thinking about her. Can’t get my mind off how incredible she looked or how her smile lit up the room even when I knew she was miserable. And I can’t get rid of the gaping hole in my chest after her admission.

Truth is, I never really thought I had a chance with Amira, even if I still hoped desperately for something to happen between us. Now, it feels like that hope was torn from my chest with a blunt knife and I’ve been left to bleed out. It’s pathetic really, for a thirty-five-year-old man to be this obsessed and heartbroken over a woman he has never even had a real date with. But there is something about her I can’t shake off. It’s been there since the first moment I laid eyes on her, and the longer it goes on, the more I doubt it will ever go away.

“Woah,” Cassidy’s voice rings in my ears. It sounds distant even though she’s still seated across the desk from me. “Earth to Noah?”

I push my fingers through my hair, rolling my shoulder back a little. “Sorry,” I mumble.

“You alright? You kind of went missing for a bit there.”

“I’m good.” But even as I say it, my head shakes a little.

Cassidy stands up but doesn’t leave. She shifts on her feet a little, before planting her hands on the desk and leaning towards me.

“You know, Amira hasn’t told me anything about the wedding. But I warned you.”

She did. I nod, encouraging her to continue.

“Whatever you thought was going to happen, was never going to happen. Amira was only ever in it to get her dad off her back. You want different things. In all the time I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her come close to settling down. She’s carefree and open and she’s having fun with her life. You’re … not like that. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Too late,” I mumble, barely audible. I only really meant it for my own ears.

Cassidy cocks her head and raises her eyebrows. She stands tall, crossing her arms over her chest. “Hmm?”

Rolling my chair back, I stand up and mirror her position. Even from across the desk I’m more than a foot taller than her. She glares up at me like we’re kids on a playground and I just stole her favourite toy. I imagine if we’d been closer as kids we would have shared more than a handful of moments just like that. But my mother’s move to Sydney took the opportunity away from us, and I’m not mad about it, but I like that Cass and I have been able to build a strong friendship now we live in the same state again.

“Look, don’t worry about me, okay. I knew what I was getting myself into. I’ll deal with the burden.”

“For someone so good at giving out advice, you’re pretty shit at following it. You know that right?”

I tip my head back and roll my eyes. “Yes Cassidy, I know.”

With a sigh, I drop back into my chair and reopen the spreadsheet.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Cassidy chimes. “Seems like very importantevent coordinatorwork.”

I don’t miss the infliction in her tone, and fight to keep my face neutral. Without looking up from the screen I wave her towards the door. “Let me know if you need anything.”

The door begins to roll shut as she closes it after her, but before it clicks into place Cassidy leans back into the room. “Tell theownerI think they are doing an incredible job here. They should be proud of how far the winery has come.”

I close my eyes, counting to ten in my head and hoping she leaves. Keeping the fact I own this place to myself seemed like the perfect option at the time. There was no pressure, no external weight pulling me down when I already thought I was going to struggle. Now that I’m not struggling, it seems silly to suddenly announce I’m not just the event coordinator.

What exactly am I supposed to do? Call a backwards intervention? ‘Hey friends, remember that winery I’m working at? Turns out I’ve owned it all along. April Fools.’

I groan at the thought. It’s too late now, and with Cassidy here for more and more events, I know the secret will be out soon. If she hasn’t already figured it out.

The spreadsheet is a sea of green, filling my spirits a little. Maybe if I can see the year out, start following through on the hotel plans, and still be green when the financial year is done, I’ll stop hiding it. Maybe.

The numbers behind the green are still a blur, and trying to focus has my headache reforming. I save the sheet, attach it to an email for the accountant and leave the draft unsent. I’m still a few days off having to send it, so I leave a sticky note under my computer screen to double-check it again in the morning. As though it will make a difference.

Giving up on work altogether, because sometimes as the boss you just need to say ‘fuck it’ and take the afternoon off, I straighten my keyboard and stand from my desk. I don’t even have one foot out of the room before I hear it.

Hear her.

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