Page 66 of Because of Her

That day, I wondered if we were standing on a precipice. If my second chance at love, my second chance with Cassidy, was here. All the baggage we both held was still there, but it didn’t feel so heavy when the three of us were together.

After she told me about her infertility, and her subsequent decision not to become a mother, I understood why the whole situation would feel like skating on thin ice for Cassidy. But I will do anything to bring us on to solid ground. I’ve loved Cassidy since I was a teenager, I’m not willing to lose her again.

Maisie yawns as I scoop her onto my lap, careful to keep her shoulder in a safe position. Her head falls against Cassidy’s arm, who shuffles down to lean against my shoulder. Images of every moment I’ve ever spent with Cassidy flash through my mind. Sharing lunch breaks and hiding in the cool room as teenagers, my first shift as supervisor when neither of us knew how to act. The intense shock and mild hope when I first saw her in the hallway the day I moved in. Our first kiss in some other kid’s backyard, the life changing one on her couch. The way she danced with Maisie and how natural it had felt when the three of us held hands. The electricity in the air when we pass in the hall. And how perfectly our bodies fit together, just like our souls.

And now. This perfect moment.

The love that has been growing inside me expands until there’s a pressure in my chest I can’t contain. The woman I love is sitting right there, and I have no idea how to tell her what I feel.

I lean my head back on the couch, my neck stretched and my face towards the roof. I feel torn.

I love Cassidy. But the child in my lap, the child whodeserves all of me, and who I would do anything for, is stopping me from going to her.

Maisie’s weight turns to lead, her breathing grows slow and steady in my lap.

“Is she asleep?”

Cassidy’s whisper shocks me out of my stupor. I nod, awkwardly pushing myself to stand up.

I carry Maisie to bed, tucking her in and turning on the nightlight before creeping out of her room and back into the living area. When I get back, Cassidy stands from her spot on the couch. Her face is red, and wet marks trail down her cheeks.

My eyes sting, my chest heaves, and my hands rasp against the stubble on my cheeks.

“I should go,” she says, her voice low.

“Don’t.”

I step towards her, reaching out my hands so our fingertips touch. With one hand on her lower back, I guide Cassidy back to the couch, laying her down against the pillows. I kiss her hand when she stretches it up to my face, then her forehead, then her cheek.

“I love you,” I whisper.

Before she can respond, I kiss her. My weight settles against her as I throw every feeling I have for her into this kiss. With one arm still caught underneath her, I use the other to cup her cheek when I pull back.

Her eyes are glassy. She bites her lip, holding my face in her hands.

“I know,” she whispers. “I think I could love you, too.”

She runs her hands down my neck and over my shoulders. Her soft push guides me up until we sit, chest to chest.

“But I should go.” Her attention is already over my shoulder, down the hall.

“You don’t have to.”

“But I should. This … us … it’s hard.”

A knife forms in my lungs.

“It doesn’t have to be hard.”

“But itisCallum. Every time I think I can do this, I think we can do this, the universe throws me some big giant reminder of why it won’t work. Your alarm clock, Maisie’s collarbone. Even now. It doesn’t matter how much fun I had dancing with Maisie, we sit on the couch like a family and all I can think about is how you deserve so much more. How Maisie deserves more. I can’t keep fighting for something I don’t think is meant to be.”

Resting my palm on her cheek, I wipe at the tear forming under her eye. My own tears flood down my cheeks.

“We are, Rogue,” I choke on the words. “We are meant to be.”

But she shakes her head. “It’s really hard to feel that way anymore.”

Stepping away from my touch, her shoulders roll forward.

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