Page 75 of Because of Her

“Her sister?”

“Yeah. Cass needs some time to move past the shock of Madison being pregnant, that’s all.”

“And I just wait?”

“For now.”

After he leaves, my thoughts scramble. I thought all was lost. It still feels like all is lost.But maybe not?Noah seemed to think so.

I hate the tiny raindrop of hope he gave me. It feels so fickle and unreliable, but it’s all I have.

CASSIDY

“Idon’t think I can do this,” I say into the Bluetooth system of my car.

I was fine all morning. I thought this was a brilliant idea. I was excited Madison had asked me to come. But as I pull into the parking lot, a wave of anxiety rushes over me. My palms are clammy, no matter how many times I’ve rubbed them down my jeans, and a pit of nausea is growing deep inside me, worming its way towards my throat. Switching off the ignition, I close my eyes and try to slow my racing heart. One, two, three, four … hold. I count as I suck in air, willing the panic away.

“Cassidy, my appointment is in five minutes, where are you?” My sister’s voice is mechanical and echoes through the car’s speakers.

“I’m in the parking lot but …” I force another deep breath. “I’m frozen.”

The beep as she hangs up shocks something in me, and I realise how much I’ve let her down. Most pregnant mothers don’t have scans at this stage in their pregnancy, but when Mads was cramping and had some spotting yesterday, she went to the hospital just in case. The tests there went fine, and she says she’s been feeling fine all morning, but they ordered an extra ultrasound to double check everything is okay.

With Oliver away on a book tour, support person duties fell to me. I hate that I have to do this for her. I’m still coming around to the fact she is pregnant, but right now, I have to show up for my sister. The thought of walking into a buildingfull of pregnant women, full of women who are living a life I’ll never get to live, though? It feels like I never learnt how to swim but am about to dive in the deep end of a shark infested pool anyway.

Rolling lavender oil on my wrists, I pick apart the scent, focusing on anything but the building in front of me. I count each spin of my ring, trying to ease the heavy feeling of dread that has settled low in my stomach. Right where Madison’s baby grows in hers. A rattle on the window breaks my rhythm.

Red faced, with puffy swollen eyes and unkempt hair, Madison stands outside the car, fist still resting against the glass.

“Open the door.” The closed window muffles the sound of her voice.

I do as she says, and she squats down until she is eye level with me.

“I know,” she starts, before correcting herself. “Actually, no, I don’t. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you. But I need you. I need you to suck in a week’s worth of oxygen, and put your blinkers on so we can walk through that building and into the examination room. I need you to hold my hand while they squirt cold goo all over me, and to listen to what they say because I know I’ll forget something. I know it’s not fair, but Oliver is away and I’ve just had the hardest twenty-four hours in my life, and right now I need my sister.”

The anxiety doesn’t dissolve into nothing because of her words, but I’ve survived through worse. I can push it to the side for her, if only for a moment.

“Okay,” I reply gingerly. I hope my old therapist is proud of me.

As I move to step out of the car, Madison doesn’t move out of the way. Instead she laughs, holding her hand out towards me.

“I also need you to help me get back up.”

“You owe me ice cream.” I laugh, and once we are both standing, she hugs me.

“I’ll even get you a double cone.”

Antiseptic cleaner fumes invade my nostrils as I walk through the automatic doors, obliterating the faint lavender scent that remained on my neck and wrists. Before I have time to take stock of the happy women around me, a man in scrubs walks towards us, glancing at his clipboard.

He greets Madison and gestures down the hall, “I’ll be doing your scan today. This way please.”

We follow behind as he rushes down the hall and into a small room lit only by a deep blue computer screen. Madison climbs onto the reclined bed, pulling her top up to reveal the small round of her stomach.

I marvel at the sight of her. For the first time since Madison announced she was pregnant, I take stock of the fact she is growing a human. A real life baby is in there growing and forming all the right organs and limbs.

Madison reaches out to take my hand. Her fingers squeeze mine as the slurp of the lubricant bottle breaks through the otherwise silent room.

I squeeze back, holding my breath to keep my unease at bay. Without warning, a familiar sound replaces the silence hanging in the room. It’s backed by a dull, rushing white noise, but the heartbeat is unmistakable.

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