Page 61 of Because of Her

“I know it’s hard having two homes, but I promise it will get easier.”

I wonder if he knows when, or how it would get easier. It sounds like he is making promises he might not be able to keep, but I keep my mouth shut and stay out of their way.

Two happy homes are better than one shitty one, isn’t that how the saying goes?

I hope Callum and Audrey can make their homes happy for Maisie, and once again, I’m finding myself wondering where I fit in that image.

“You can never break a promise,” Maisie says. She steps back, holding out her pinky finger.

Callum hooks his finger around hers. “I know, but you have to give me enough time.”

Their hands jerk in a firm pinky promise shake, before Maisie leaps into his arms. Callum falls back onto his heels as Maisie squeezes into the bear hug. Running off, she yells over her shoulder.

“I need the Elsa jumper at Mummy’s!”

“It’s in the basket,” he calls back.

I’m impressed at how easily she can pull herself out of a bad mood.

The autumn day is balmy, the sun shining for the first time all week. What feels like hundreds of families have flocked to the park to take advantage of what might be our last sunny day for a few months.

“I haven’t taken Maisie here yet,” Callum says. Afterordering our coffees we do a quick walk around the perimeter with Maisie, setting boundaries of where she can and can’t go before finding a spot in the shade to stand while she runs off to explore the playground. I try to remember if my mum or dad ever cared this much, but nothing comes to mind. Madison and I used to walk to the park by ourselves; entertaining each other for hours until the street lights came on.

Maisie stays close by, doing laps of a slide. Even from a distance, her giggles light up my soul in a way I didn’t think was possible.

“She’s pretty cute.” I lean my shoulder against Callum.

He hums his agreement, a wide smile on his face as he watches his daughter.

A young couple cradling bright coloured reusable coffee cups settles down on the grass in my peripheral vision. They default into a cosy position with their legs twisted together and her head on his shoulder. When he reaches down to touch the grass with his hand, realising it’s still damp with morning dew, they laugh at each other.

I can’t help but watch them, envious of what they have.

I think of Callum and Maisie, and me, and where, or if, or how, we could evolve into something that looks like a happy family. I want what the couple on the grass has, so being told I couldn’t have it has done irreparable damage to my heart. But with Callum, it feels like maybe some of the pieces are fitting back together.

I wonder how things would have been different if we had gotten the timing better. If we hadn’t been young and dumb and run away from each other when we got scared.

He is such a natural dad, and now I know he is one, I can’t see him as anything but. He always wanted a family, but that is something I could never give him. Maybe the universe knew before I did, separating us before we fell too deep. It would have broken him, broken us, if he had been in Blake’s position.

I’d like to think he would have cared more about me than about my ability to give him a child. I’d like to think Callum would have stayed by me. But it would have stolen a piece of his future, and I’m glad we didn’t have to walk that path together.

This was always where we were meant to end up. And I hope our paths continue to twine together.

I’m in so deep here, it feels like quicksand. I’m sinking further and further into something that feels a lot like love, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I don’t know if I’m ready to be in this relationship one hundred percent. If I’m ready to tell not just Callum, but Maisie, too, that I want to be around forever.

They’ve been through so much, I need to be certain before I take that giant leap.

A lanky boy with a red face and blond hair comes running up to the couple on the grass. They sit up as he barrels towards them, and together they all collapse back onto the grass laughing. My eyes fall shut as I enjoy the sound of a happy family.

I lean further into Callum’s shoulder, soaking in the sunshine and relaxing into the easy morning. It feels more right than anything else.

Something brushes against my fingertips. Callum’s fingers thread between my own, but he jolts them away before I can grab them. Without a word, he runs toward the playground.

Maisie is lying awkwardly on the ground under the top of the slide. One arm twists underneath her body. She’s silent, but it’s more concerning than comforting to not hear her cry.

I hang back, not knowing what I can do that would be helpful. Callum comforts his daughter, sitting Maisie up. Tears stream down her pale face, but her eyes are dazed. Her shoulder hangs at an unnatural angle.

Scooping her up, Callum calls out as he walks past me.

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