Page 44 of Because of Her

“Of course, I’m glad you came. Maisie, too.”

Cassidy looks up. A twinkle lands in her eye. “She is a firecracker, she’s great.”

The swelling in my chest comes back, loving that CassidygetsMaisie the way I do. She can be a lot for a five-year-old. A lot.

I want to express how much it means that Cassidy hasn’t brushed my daughter off, but I can’t think of the words. And I’m worried I’ll put my foot in it,again.

“I’m glad you like her,” is all I can think of.

“Of course.” Cassidy brushes off the comment as we settle in. She snatches a pillow from behind me, cuddling it on her lap.

“You know I was always great with children.” Her voice is soft as she waves her arm across the pillow. Sucking in a deep breath before continuing, her fingers trail patterns on the fabric. “Lately though I’ve started avoided them. I stopped running past the playground, I distanced myself from the few friends who already had kids, I stopped visiting the library …”

Her voice trails off as she continues to list all the things she stopped doing.

“It was too hard,” she says, surprising me when she leans down to rest her head on my shoulder. She lets out a whispered breath that sounds a little ‘until today’.

“Why did you stop doing those things, Cass?” I lean my head against hers and wrap my arm around her.

She hiccups, and a tiny wet pearl forms on my shirt as she cries into my shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I add, unsure what else to say.

My hand itches to trace patterns up and down Cassidy’s arm, to spin her towards me and pull her lips towards mine. But I can’t. I won’t.

“I can’t have kids.”

I barely hear her, and she offers no further explanation,but a knife drives through my lungs when I realise why she is so upset.

There are no words I can say to offer even an ounce of comfort. Instead, I hold her close, letting her cry into my shoulder.

“I don’t want kids.” After minutes of silent crying, she sounds sure when she utters the words. Sitting herself up, she pulls away from my shoulder to look straight back at the blank TV. “I mean, I used to, but not anymore.”

There’s a hole left in my heart where our future once lived. Even after we grew apart, even while I was happily married, there was always a piece of my future I’m now realising I kept safe in case Cassidy wanted it. Only now, it feels like she won’t ever want it. And it kills me the reason is the only thing I can’t change.

Maisie is as much a piece of me as my head. We are a package deal whether Cassidy likes it or not. Which she doesn’t.

“Thank you for coming today.”

The silence that had spread between us wasn’t uncomfortable in the way some are. It was contemplative and oddly calm, but I couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Of course.”

Cassidy wriggles against my shoulder when she answers.

“No I mean it,” I clarify. “I know it must have been hard on you.”

Her hand rests on my knee as Cassidy turns to face me, staring straight into my soul. Curling her legs onto the couch, she pulls her baggy knit over her knees.

“You’re my best friend. Which seems silly since we didn’t see each other for so long and I barely know you now. But it’s true.”

I wonder if she can see everything about how I feel forher. I hope she can’t. She just made it more than clear we will never amount to anything more than what we are already are. Friends.

The word has never hurt more, but I’ll take whatever amount of her that Cassidy allows me.

When she rests her palm on my cheek I lean into her touch, allowing the warmth of her hand to spread through me.

“You’re my best friend, too,” I tell her.Even though I want more.

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