Page 42 of Because of Her

Oddly, it’s not the fact I won’t have a baby one day that hurts anymore. It’s the realisation that no matter how many nice moments the three of us share, no matter how much it feels like I might be starting to fit, I can’t be what they deserve.

I’m furious at myself for getting swept away in theillusion of the day and imagining the three of us as something more.

The ride home is better than the ride in, but I can’t shake the hollow pit in my stomach. Maisie is still living the high of the day, asking hundreds of questions about my previous life as a ballerina. I stretch the truth only a little to keep her entertained, and to keep the topic away from babies.

The three of us feel in sync in a way I have never felt with another person, let alone with a kid. It’s heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once, feeling like I fit in with Callum’s mini family, but knowing deeply that I never will.

Today was a lot of fun, and it reminded me of all the daydreams I used to have about Callum and me. But so much has changed since then, and while it was nice to forget for a while, the little chatterbox in the back seat is a stark reminder. Seeing how Callum interacted with her all day, seeing how he looked out for her, there’s no way he is finished having kids. And even though I never started, I’ve accepted I am. That I have to be.

Even if a tiny part of me felt,feels, like we could make it work with Maisie around, I can’t give Callum what he deserves. I couldn’t give Maisie whatshedeserves. A child, a sibling. Their mini family deserves to grow, and I can’t give them that. I made my decision long ago, it’s too late to change it now.

CALLUM

Cassidy and Maisie walk up the stairs ahead of me, and I fight every bone in my body not to stare at Cassidy’s ass as they do. There are a million reasons it shouldn’t even be on my radar, but those damn leggings hug her gentle curves so well I can’t resist.

I never expected her to come today, even if I had conveniently planned an activity I knew she would love. Heck, it was her idea to go there in the first place. She’d mentioned the ballet exhibit no less than five times in the past month. I’d been torn between taking Maisie, or taking Cassidy, and I’m feeling pretty incredible I managed to get both my girls there at the same time.

My girls. The acknowledgement sits in my throat as I watch them. The three of us were perfect together today, and although Cassidy is still insistent on calling me her friend, I can feel the attraction between us growing. There’s only so long we can fight it for.

As we make the final U-turn up the stairs, Maisie begins to drag her heels. It’s been a long day for her.

“Daddy I’m tired,” she announces, stopping mid-step and yanking Cassidy’s hand back. “And hungry.”

“I know, chicka,” I respond. “We are nearly home okay.”

She nods a little, but keeps her eyes pointed to her feet; they shuffle, knocking against the step ahead of her.

“It’s been a lot of walking for mylittle legs.”

I hold back a grin. She’s not wrong, my legs are tired, too, and she’s taken twice as many steps as I have.

I squat down, a few steps below the girls, turning my back on them.

“Up we go.” I pat my shoulders before holding my hands behind my head.

Maisie leaps onto my shoulders, and once I’ve got a firm grip on her legs with one hand, I use the handrail to pull myself back to standing with the other. She’s getting too big for this, and I’ll probably feel it tomorrow, but I can’t help savouring these moments. These little snippets of time that won’t be around forever.

“Is that safe, up the stairs?”

Cassidy’s question isn’t accusatory, but is laced with concern.

“We’ll be alright,” I say as I start walking up the stairs, a little slower than before. “Maybe just walk behind me in case I drop her.”

Maisie leans forward squealing, grabbing on to my head in fear.

“I’m joking!” I force out between laughs.

We walk up the final flight of stairs, and when we enter the third floor hallway, Maisie’s stomach rumbles behind my head.

“You really are hungry, hey?” I laugh.

“Can we have sweet n chicken tonight, Daddy? Can Cassidy stay for dinner, too?”

Amira’s cooking, the smell of a roasting lamb blended with spices wafts through the building. My mouth waters. I might have only had a couple of her meals, but the woman is a master cook, and it’s sure to be delicious. I doubt Cass would want cheap jar sauce over whatever creation Amira is cooking. Besides, I don’t think extending our time together is the best idea.

“I think Cassidy probably has better plans than a jar of sweet and sour sauce and some overcooked chicken.” I glance at Cassidy with an upturned lip. “Plus, she looks pretty tired. I think we’re all just about ready for bed.”

I wink, hoping she gets the hint. It’s not that I don’t want her with us, it’s that I’m worried more time with Maisie will be too much for Cassidy. And equally so, that Maisie is getting too attached to Cassidy. I can’t have her latching on to something that is still too unstable.

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