Page 21 of Because of Her

I grab them before they fall, hand lingering on her waist a fraction too long. Her knit dress is soft under my fingers. Cassidy turns to me, holding my gaze. The air has been sucked out of the hallway, and I should move my hand away, but I can’t. It’s like a magic xylophone has dinged. Only this time I’m not pretending to be frozen, I am. Because I can’t decipher the look in Cassidy’s eyes. The golden flecks have darkened as she looks up at me through thick lashes. Heat spreads across the back of my neck, and I fight the urge to sweep my hand around her waist and pull her close.

Before I can act on the impulse, Cassidy pulls her attention away from me as she pushes her way into her apartment. I wrench my hand away from her waist, flexing my fingers and shaking out my wrist. The electricity of the touch still lingers on my hand, and I take a second to count my breaths before following her inside.

By the time I reach the couch, Cassidy has cracked us each a drink, removed her shoes, and snuggled up under aknitted blanket. The scrappy pink stripes clash perfectly with the deep earthy green of her dress, but she looks cosy. I love how comfortable she is with me, and I’m reminded of movie nights at her place when we were younger. How we would innocently snuggle under the blanket together, sharing popcorn and laughing over the cliched jokes.

Is that what she wants now?

I shake my head at the thought. Even if she did want to, it’s not appropriate. Not anymore. Not now we are adults. Not now when blood surges to my groin at the thought of rubbing up against her under the blanket. Not now I have so much to work out in my personal life and I’m not sure I can contemplate bringing her into the mix.

Cassidy deserves someone who is sure of themselves, sure of how they feel about her. She deserves someone who she can start a family with, not someone whose family she would be stepping into. And she definitely deserves someone who isn’t blindly lying by omission every day. Because fuck, I need to figure out how to tell her I have a daughter.

My fingers toy with the hair tie on my wrist. Even when I don’t have Maisie with me, I can’t break the habit of always having one. It’s a small piece of her I take everywhere, and fiddling with it eases a fraction of the anxiety I constantly feel these days.

I need to tell Cassidy about Maisie. And Audrey. But any time I come close to thinking about it, fear clouds my vision. I think of all the mates I drifted away from after starting a family, and I can’t bear the thought of Cassidy drifting away, too. It happened once before, and I will do anything to make sure it never happens again. Even if it means always holding her at arm’s length, waiting for a little longer before I let my two worlds collide.

“Movie?” Cassidy looks up from the TV. She’s holding the remote, and when I sit down, action movie after actionmovie fly across the screen. She’s speeding through the titles and I can barely make out the posters as they flash past. I reach over to snatch the remote out of her hands.

“Hey.” She laughs as she kicks my waist.

I grab her foot, reaching under the blanket to tickle it. In these moments, it feels like no time has passed at all. She kicks back at me, and I shrink away to avoid a foot to the nose.

She yanks her foot out of my grip and I shift my attention to the TV, pulling up an old favourite and hoping she still loves it as much as she used to.

“Oh, we’re having a sing off are we?” Her voice is airy and boastful as she sits up straighter. I grin to myself, knowing I’ve made the right choice.

Nature Boy plays as the Moulin Rouge opening credits appear on the screen. We both settle in, and Cassidy’s feet find their way back onto my lap. I rub at her calves as we sing along to all the songs. We get more and more dramatic as the movie goes on.

My throat is sore from singing as the credits start to roll. Cassidy sits up as she stretches her arms out with a yawn. She turns to place her feet on the floor. I expected her to stand, but instead she leans her head on my shoulder. I reach my arm around her, pulling her in tight. The instrumental tune fades out. All I can focus on is Cassidy, curled up in my arms and looking up at me with her beautiful green eyes. The golden specks are dark again, and her pupils are wide. Her breaths turn heavy as she adjusts herself, sitting up more so we are closer to eye level.

“Cal.”

She whispers the shortened version of my name. The one I only really like when it comes from her lips. The intimacy sends shivers down my back. I reach my other hand up and brush my knuckles over her cheek. She closes her eyes, leaning into the touch. Her tongue darts out to wet her lips,and now I’m the one whose breaths are heavy. My rational brain melts into a puddle on the floor as my body takes over. Despite everything I know about our relationship, everything I’m not telling her and everything I’m not ready for, I want her. My body wants hers, and I think she might be willing to give it to me.

“Rogue?”

She looks up at me through her lashes and I watch as her gaze drops to my lips. My hand reaches the back of her neck and she nods, the tiniest of movements I wouldn’t have noticed if I hadn’t been so hyper focused on her.

We are so close, I feel the wet warmth of her exhale on my lips. I try to count to four and calm my nerves, but I get stuck after one. My lips crash into Cassidy’s, and I hold back the desire to devour her. I kiss her bottom lip, then her top lip, and she kisses me back.

She opens her mouth, and I dive in. Our kiss becomes frenzied, years of teenage longing drives me as I savour her taste, sucking at her tongue and biting her lips. Cassidy is just as uncontrolled, her hands gliding up my arms towards my hair. I pull her closer, but the feeling of her pressed against me isn’t enough.

I need … more. I grab the back of her head, tilting her and deepening the kiss. Desire clouds my judgement as I explore her mouth. Cassidy flips her leg over mine to straddle me. I grab at her ass, pulling her body toward mine.

A quick knock breaks our connection, and reality hits me with enough force I push her back with a gasp. My racing pulse scatters, and my fingertips tingle, but not in a good way. I’m out of breath, and by the way her whole body rises with each inhale I’d say Cassidy is, too.

“Cassidy?!” An old, rusty, unfamiliar voice calls through the apartment.

“Not now, Mrs Kelly!”

The voice in the hall huffs in response, but her unsteady footsteps retreat.

Cassidy leans back into the kiss, but the moment is gone. All I can think about is the myriad of untold truths between us.

“I’m sorry I—” I fumble to make a sentence as I try to find the words to explain.

I’m not ready for this with anyone, let alone with Cassidy. Last time we hooked up it completely ruined our friendship, and I can’t go through that again. Not when my life is so messed up. I need to tell Cassidy everything if I want to make something more of the friendship we have. My body fights my brain, still hot with desire, and I’m sure she can feel it through my jeans.

“No, it’s fine,” Cassidy cuts me off as she climbs off my lap. Standing in front of me, she composes herself, pulling the hem of her dress back down and running a hand through her hair.

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