Page 12 of Because of Her

As I slide on my shoes and head for the stairwell, I find myself staring at Cassidy’s apartment door. Guilt spreads through me, leaving a tingling feeling in my fingers. I should have told her about Maisie when we had dinner last weekend. But I didn’t.How do I tell a girl from my past that my present is so different to what she knows?I’ve never had to casually bring up the fact I have a child, and I have no idea how to do it.

I find Maisie and Audrey near the first floor, and it shouldn’t be as awkward as it is. Maisie shuffles her feet, still clinging to her mother as I resist the urge to collect her into a bear hug. I look to Audrey for guidance, and she shrugs.

“She’s missed you,” she says, her tone sweet, not at all like the bitter one liners I’d gotten used to over the past few months. “Honestly, it’s been a hard time for her. This is a lot.”

“I know,” I answer, as I squat down to put myself at Maisie’s level. “Hey, chicka,” I whisper.

“Hey, Daddy.” Her voice is the quietest I’ve ever heard it, and holds an uncertainty I’ve never heard from her.

“I know it’s been hard, okay, but I’ve missed yousomuch.” I gently reach my hand towards hers, respecting her boundaries and waiting until she reaches towards me with her own hand before I grab hold of it.

“Wanna come see the new house?”

Maisie looks side to side, before settling her eyes on the stairs and letting go of Audrey’s leg. The three of us walk up the next two flights of stairs and head down the corridor. Maisie’s mouth hangs open as she swivels her head, taking in everything.

“Is this all your house?” she asks.

Audrey chuckles behind us.

“No, no, Maisie.” I laugh. “Just this one.” I pull my keys from my pocket. Turning the key in the lock I add, “Can you help me open it?”

Maisie lets go of my hand, placing both her palms flat on the door in front of her.

“One, two, three!” I roar with a fake grunt. We’ve played this game for as long as I can remember. Her giggles flood my ears and as we walk into the apartment together, it finally feels like home.

I give Maisie and Audrey a tour of the place, highlighting all the things I think Maisie will love, like the balcony and how I’ve hooked the console up to my new TV. When we get to the bedroom I’ve set up for Maisie, she runs inside and spins with her arms out wide.

“Is this my room?!” she calls out, her eyes flicking from the ballerina bed, to the craft table, to the doll’s house.

From my peripheral, I can see Audrey giving me a death glare. I force a slow breath before answering Maisie in what I hope is a fair and age appropriate way.

“Yes, but the bed is only for naps or resting today. I’ll drop you back at Mummy’s after dinner, and you’ll go to bed there.”

Audrey releases the puff of air she must have been holding, and I wonder if she thought I was going to manipulate Maisie, encourage her to beg her mother to stay here.

“You can sleep here soon.”

I whip my head around to face my ex, astounded at her sudden change of mind.

“Not just yet,” she clarifies, taking the few steps towards Maisie and picking her up. “But yeah, one day. I think Daddy needs to settle in a little bit more, and we all need to get used to living apart first.”

I try not to let her words about meneeding to settle hit me. I do feel settled, and although her justifications don’t make sense to me, I’ll give her a little more time to come around.

Maisie grabs Audrey’s face in her hands and plants a sloppy kiss on her nose, before wriggling back down to the ground.

“I love it,” she exclaims, as she runs towards me and leaps into my arms.

“And I love you.” I kiss her forehead.

After Audrey leaves, Maisie and I get ready for her cousin’s fifth birthday party. The two have always been close, less than a year apart in age, and I love how they managed to bring my sister, Isobel, and I closer together. Although we were friendly enough as young kids, our relationship took a hit during our teenage years. It wasn’t until we bonded as adults that we reconnected. Once we both settled down and had kids of our own, our relationship continued to grow. Now, I’d say she is one of my closest friends and she is the first person I turn to for advice.

“We have to buy a present on the way, okay, Maisie,” I say, as she puts her blue sparkly shoes back on.

“I think he would like blue shoes, too,” she responds, “or Lego.”

“Lego sounds like a good choice.” And easier, since I have no idea what size shoe Jackson would wear.

It’s late in the afternoon before I finally get to relax a little at Jackon’s birthday. Almost as soon as we arrived, my brother-in-law roped me in to manning the BBQ, after which I somehow ended up as the only adult supervising the jumping castle. I had thought the call of cake would bring the kidsrunning in an instant. I was wrong, and ended up having to climb in, chasing after kids whose names I didn’t even know. I’ve always prided myself on being the ‘fun dad’, but it sure is tiring on days like these.

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