Page 21 of Heart of the Sun

Which was good. Of course. Our relationship was professional. It was confusing when it started to drift into other more intimate territory. So why was I disappointed? Not only in the fact that he obviously had no interest in opening up to me, but that the wall he’d momentarily lowered had just slammed solidly back into place? Why did I feel like I needed to save something, or defend something that I couldn’t even describe? A trill of panic rushed over my skin. I hated feeling like this with Tuck. Hated feeling this undefinedwantwhen it came to him and hated that I suspected he’d closed himself off because of something lacking in me.

I pulled my shoulders back, smiling the smile I’d practiced in the mirror, the one that was regal and slightly aloof, the one that sought to gain the upper hand. Not Em. Not even Emily. But Nova. I reserved it for those who got too close because they thought my public image meant they knew me. Or those who made me feel less-than. It was time to say good-night to Tuck. Instead, I blurted out, “I’ll have you know that my team weighed the risks and determined that lip-synching my own music was in my best interest.” I knew that was at least part of the reason he looked at me with such disdain.He thought I’d tossed my standards aside for fame. I understood that, and it was the only thing I could address or defend. “The dance moves are very intense and I’m not only a singer—I’m a performer. Fans are paying for the whole package.”

One of Tuck’s eyebrows went up and the other went down as though he was as surprised as me over my sudden outburst. I remembered that look. He’d given it to me often, growing up. Only then, it had usually been followed by a disarmed smile. Right now, there was no trace of affection in his expression. “You don’t owe me an explanation.”

I resisted a cringe. “No, you’re right. I don’t. It’s just, well, it’d be inyourbest interest to root for my success. A lot of people are depending on me for their paychecks, including you, by the way, and if I mess this up… I’ll let them all down.”

“That’s a lot of pressure,” he said. “But I hope you’re not only doing this for other people.”

“Of course not,” I snapped. “I’m in full agreement with how things are being done.”

“Good. It’s your life. Your career. You have to manage it as you see fit.”

The words he said didn’t match the tone in his voice and I bristled.More judgment.“And you? Are you living your life as you see fit, Tuck?”

“Low blow,” he said smoothly. “I’m trying.”

I released a long breath and pinched the top of my nose. He’d come rushing over here to help me, and I was insulting him. True, he was getting paid to respond to my calls, but still. I felt emotionally out of whack and somehow completely unsurprised that of all the people who might have managed to make me feel that way, it was still only him. “We always did love to fight, didn’t we?” I asked.

“Old habits die hard, I guess,” he said. “And that was a long time ago.”

“Yes, it was.” I shifted on my feet more, and now that we weren’t fighting, I felt that odd shyness once again. He just seemed sobig.He sort of sucked all the air out of the room. “So, um, you saw the schedule I emailed over, right? We leave for fittings in New York on Monday?”

He nodded. “Yes. I’ll be ready.”

“Okay. Good. Charlie’s coming too, so it’ll be the three of us.”

A troubled expression moved over his features. “By the way, why didn’t Charlie come over to check out the patio?”

“He’s out of town for work. He left a few hours ago.”

“It must be hard,” he said, “spending so much time in different cities.”

I gave a small shrug. “It’s worth it. And it won’t always be this…intense,” I said, giving a small laugh. Charlie was at the height of his career and my own was just beginning to take off. There would be a time when our lives didn’t revolve around constant ladder climbing and social engagements. There would be a time when we could afford to say no to some things, and yes only to that which set our souls alight. Creatively speaking.

He was looking at me that way again, as though he heard something I wasn’t saying. I didn’t like it. It made me feel exposed. “So, you’re pretty serious, then, I take it?”

His question surprised me. Or rather, the fact that he’d asked it surprised me after I’d just been thinking about how, up to this point, he’d seemed to avoid any personal connection.

“Yes,” I said. “Very serious.” We hadn’t talked marriage or kids or anything, but I could see it going that way…a few years from now. Again, when life ceased to be as intense as it currently was.

Something flitted over his face once more, but before I could attempt to read Tuck’s expression, he turned slightly, looking toward the door. “I should go.”

“Oh. Yes. Right. Thanks again. Oh, do you need to call an Uber?”

“I’ll do it downstairs. I downloaded the app.”

“Oh great.” I smiled as I opened the door. “Look at you, downloading apps.” I cringed.What the hell are you talking about, Em?“Thanks again.”

“You’re welcome.” He started walking out, and I moved to close the door when he suddenly turned back. We almost collided, and I pulled in a big inhale of his T-shirt. Soap and sage and clean male skin. God, he smelledgood.I practically jumped away. “Don’t forget to lock the door behind me. And I know this building provides some security, but it wouldn’t hurt to get an alarm on that sliding glass door. You know, for peace of mind.”

“That’s a great idea. Good night, Tuck.”

For a moment I thought he might say something more, but he didn’t, simply stepping back into the vestibule.

I closed the door and flipped both locks, listening as his soft footsteps moved away, then I let my head fall forward, my forehead connecting with the wood.

I knew I was no longer in danger, so why did I still feel so shaky?

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