Page 123 of Rewind It Back

“Ma,” I say softly. “It’s Hallie.”

I can see the fight or flight in her eyes. The panic and the trauma. Yes, Hallie played a part in the most traumatic day of my mom’s life. Probably the most traumatic of mine too, but for the first time in six years, I’m thinking clearly. I’m not blinded by anger or fear for my mom. Her emotions aren’t guiding my decisions this time around.

She watches me for a long time, studying, and I see the moment realization dawns on her. “You still have feelings for her, don’t you?”

I exhale a long breath. “Never stopped.”

“Rio, don’t go there. You’re going to get hurt. You two were kids. Childhood love doesn’t work out the way you want it to. It’s an idealistic fantasy. When you meet that young, you grow up and grow apart. Look at what happened to your dad and me.”

“But we’re not you!”

Her eyes widen and her lips flatten to a straight line because I have never, not once, raised my voice at my mother the way I just did.

“We’re not you, Ma,” I say, more even-toned. “And our relationship is not the one you had with my dad. I thought it was. I wanted it to be. I tried to shape everything off what you two showed me, and when you two fell apart, so did I. And I made a huge mistake because of it. You were hurting and that scared me, and I took it out on Hallie. But I’m not going to do that anymore. As much as you want me to, I’m not going to keep blaming her.”

My phone rings on the table, and when I look down, I find Wren calling me. Which is strange, because she typically would’ve just texted back. In fact, I don’t think we’ve ever talked on the phone before.

“Wren?” I ask as soon as I answer.

“Hey, sorry. I just saw your text.”

Every one of my senses goes on high alert. She would’ve just texted back if she didn’t have something to tell me. “What’s wrong?”

Wren hesitates. “Hallie didn’t want me to tell you because of your game, but I think you’d want to know. Her dad was taken to the hospital back in Minnesota. I don’t know many details other than she seemed scared. She’s on her way now. She started driving about an hour ago. I just thought you should know.”

Chapter 27

Hallie

My knee is bouncing due to the adrenaline coursing through me. I’m sitting, watching it happen, and still I can’t stop the movement.

It’s a good distraction I suppose, watching the nerves rattle in my body, knowing I can’t control them.

Feels like I can’t control anything right now.

Luke called me this morning to tell me that he had brought our dad into the emergency room to get checked out after he had been spiking a fever over the past two days. He was immediately admitted to the hospital for testing.

Because that’s what happens when you’re in your second remission from blood cancer. Something as simple as an unexplained fever or fatigue throws up major red flags for a possible relapse.

I have a vivid memory of the day we found out his cancer had come back a few years ago. He had worked so hard to fight it the first time, and just like that, we were told he’d have to do it all over again.

Hope is a dangerous thing, and I learned to stop hoping a while ago. Unfortunately, I let my defenses down, and spent the last few weeks letting hope sneak its way in again, making me believe that not only do I get to finally start living my own life, but that there’s a possibility I could have Rio with me while I do.

Silly of me to get so comfortable.

Well, I’m sure as hell not letting myself hope now. I’m planning for the confirmation that my dad’s cancer is back, emotionally preparing myself for it. I’ll handle it, just as I did the first and second time we were told.

In a way, it gets easier to receive the same bad news. There isn’t a fear of the unknown looming over me. There aren’t a million questions I have rattling in my brain. I already know the steps to take. I know the emotional toll that’s coming, but I also know how to control myself from breaking down or showing my fear. I’ll make a plan. We’ll get him back into treatment. I’ll handle it.

I was only nineteen the first time we found out my dad was sick, and the one person I wanted comfort from was him because that’s how it works. Parents take care of their children. Then suddenly, I was taking care of him. I wanted to cry and tell him how scared I was. I wanted to admit everything I was worried about so he could tell me not to be. But he was scared himself, so I pretended I wasn’t, and I’ve been pretending ever since.

The waiting room is eerily quiet with only the three of us in here. Me, my brother, and his wife. My dad has been going through testing all day, so Sarah got a sitter to stay with their son so she could be here for my brother while we wait for the results.

I’m glad they have each other, and I’m thankful that my brother was able to be here and keep me updated while I was making the six-hour drive from Chicago.

While yes, Luke has had a sick parent for as long as I have, we’ve had very different experiences. In a way, he was able to separate himself, living out of state and not having to see the daily decline the way I witnessed it firsthand.

Luke wasn’t the one who was up with him while he was sick from chemotherapy or begging him to eat when he didn’t want to, so I’m sure this is all quite shocking to him. Eventually, he’ll figure it out too, how to manage his expectations. How we always have to be ready for the other shoe to drop.

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