Page 120 of Rewind It Back

“When am I going to get over it?” I repeat, almost yelling into the phone.

“That’s what I said.”

“You cheated on my mother! I’m not going toget overit, Dad.”

The line is silent for quite some time. My chest is heaving with anger, and I could happily hang up the phone right now and call this conversation done. But now I’m pissed, and I want to take it out on him.

“Rio—”

“You ruined our family, and now she’s alone.”

“I know. I know I made a mistake. But it’s beenyears.”

“A mistake? You made a conscious choice. And now, because of your decisions, I might have to leave all my friends, my teammates, and my home so that I can move back to Boston because she’s alone. That was your responsibility, and you didn’t do it. So, excuse me for not being able to get over it.”

He’s quiet again. I’ve never said any of this to him. I’ve simply given him the cold shoulder for years, but now that I recognize his decisions are affecting my life, I’m ready to let him know.

My eyes drift over to Hallie’s old house, up to her bedroom window, and I realize that his decisions have been affecting me for a lot longer than I initially recognized.

I shake my head. “Fuck you.”

“Rio DeLuca.”

“No, fuck you, Dad. You have no idea how much your choices fucked me up.”

“I realize that, but—”

“No, you don’t!” I’m yelling again. “Because I didn’t even realize until recently. I spent twenty-one years of my life chasing what you and Mom had, because I thought that’s what love, or soulmates, or whatever the fuck I thought you had, looked like. But when I found out that you were full of shit, I spent the last six years trying to find the opposite. Trying to findanyonethat could prove to me that love existed because you single-handedly convinced me that it didn’t.”

I feel sick. Sick of him. Sick that I let his choices dictate my own. I was twenty-one years old, and he caused most of my world to fall apart, while I finished demolishing the rest. I ran away from it all and tried to pretend none of it ever happened. I swept it under the rug and tucked it away, only revisiting my issues when I revisited this neighborhood. Chicago was my clean slate.

“How could you do that to her?”

My words are quiet and though I’m asking him the question, it feels like I’m asking myself the same thing.

How could I leave Hallie behind like that? It wasn’t her fault that my dad blew up my family. It wasn’t her fault that his decisions had me questioningeverything. What the fuck is wrong with me?

“Rio, this is good. It’s good to hear you say these things. You’ve never told me how you felt. This is good to know so we can move forward.”

I scoff, tired of even talking to him. “You’re the last person I want to move forward with. I’m not telling you this for your benefit. I’m getting this off my chest for me.”

“Son, if I could go back in time, I would.”

“Well, you can’t.” I swallow hard. “And neither can I. You were supposed to teach me how to be a man, Dad, and I truly hate the things I learned from you.”

Before he can respond, I hang up the phone.

Fuck that. Fuck him.

Fuckmefor being so emotionally wrung out at the time that I couldn’t see straight. That I couldn’t see who was truly at fault.

The front door of Hallie’s old house opens, and I swear I could throw up, that’s how sick I feel. I haven’t met the couple who moved in next to my mom, but still they offer me a polite wave as they take off on a walk, bundled up in their winter gear.

It’s wild to think they probably have no idea about the girl who grew up in that house. They have no idea I snuck through their upstairs window more times than I can count, or that their roof might be indented from how often we laid on it together.

And I threw it all away because I couldn’t see past my own hurt. Past mymom’shurt.

I need to talk to Hallie. I have in no way apologized enough to her, and being back here only serves as a reminder thatI’mthe one who fucked up all those years ago. Not her.

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