Page 41 of Iron Unicorn

“Cruel and unusual punishment is illegal,” I grumbled, debating if I could bust out of my bonds without the use of my talents. The handcuffs, duct tape, and superglue would cause me problems. Hell, they’d cause Olivia problems, too.

“Exposure therapy, however, is completely legal.”

“Torture is not legal.”

“Exposure therapy,” he replied in an amused tone. “Depending on the level of your phobia, you might even graduate to pissed off by the time we’re done with you. Of course, your princess will be a little less entertained if you’re absolutely furious by the time she rides to the rescue.”

“Fury sounds better than having a heart attack,” I admitted.

“You’ll be safe the entire time. Your mind will not agree with me, but you will be safe. I am sure the helpful packet of information for dealing with your phobia will just thrill your princess. I’ve found royals become quite miffed when their partners are treated in questionable fashions. However, she’ll forgive me when she realizes you are being cultivated for her enjoyment.”

On one hand, I appreciated how many people appreciated Olivia; she deserved to have people caring for her. However, it irritated me that I would be put through my personal version of hell as a direct consequence of caring for the woman. “Could this cultivation involve something a little more pleasant?” I complained.

“That would be nice, but the Montana royals? They are quite stubborn, often foolish, and inclined to take the excessively long approach. From my understanding of your dossier, you have been available for her to claim for at least ten years. And the five years prior you were grieving for your wife. We respect that.”

Damn it. “Is everyone aware of this by now?”

“Everyone except you, it seems. We are honored that Texas contacted us to resolve this situation. Unfortunately for you, it does mean that my father absolutelywillbe serving lobster, shrimp, and crab every time you and your princess do come to Mexico as part of a New York delegation.”

There was cruel and unusual punishment, and then there was the Mexican royal family’s twisted sense of humor. “At least he’s not going to be tossing me into a prison with live crabs and lobsters,” I muttered.

The RPS agents disguised as clowns all had a round of laughing at me, not that I blamed them.

In their shoes, I would have laughed, too.

“Just be glad we changed our mind from our first plan. We were going to dangle you over the tank, and if you didn’t want your feet in the water with your leggy friends, you would have had to hold your legs up the entire time. Now that would have been cruel and unusual punishment. Personally, I’m going with just unusual punishment. Cruel would be removing the rubber bands from their claws before setting them loose.”

“Just like I told Carl, if I don’t earn a date with a princess out of this, I’m haunting you all for eternity.”

“I have a sister.”

I glared at the Mexican prince. “I don’t think that would help my cause in the slightest. Also, your sisters are too young for me, however beautiful they are.”

“Ah, yes, but if we spread rumor that one of my young and beautiful sisters is on the prowl for a silver fox such as yourself, your princess may be more inclined to act. It’s a good idea.”

I bowed my head. “I’m going to regret saying this, but I think I’ll take my chances with the crabs and lobsters. And I haven’t gone gray yet, Roberto.”

Judging from the gales of mirth drowning out all other noise in the van, I amused the Mexicans.

“You will have regrets, yes, but view it this way: if you conquer the crabs and the lobsters, you will win yourself a princess. At least the torture has a reward at the end of it. And who knows? Perhaps you’ll be a little silver by the time we’re done with you.”

“If the reward isn’t a date, I’m haunting you all,” I swore.

* * *

To start the show,Roberto showed me one of the crabs he intended to torment me with. As promised, its claws were contained with rubber bands. The safety precaution did nothing to prevent my heart rate from skyrocketing straight for orbit.

In my world, any critter with its eyes on long stalks and possessing more than eight legs was some being from a dark and terrible hell.

“Please take that thing far away,” I requested in a strained voice. “I only tolerate crabs in cooked format where I can’t see what it looked like.”

Roberto checked his phone with his free hand, and he continued to torment me with the crustacean. “I am going to stand here until your heart rate comes down to something a little saner. I recommend that you draw slow and deep breaths. I do not plan to throw the crab at you.”

To keep me from bolting north, far away from the torturous Mexicans, the prince’s RPS agents held my arms while one of them handcuffed my ankles together. As breathing sounded like a better idea than suffocating, I did as told. “How much faster do you think my heart rate needs to go before I have a heart attack?”

“You’re doing better than I anticipated. You should survive the tank. The crabs will be farther away.”

Farther away worked for me. “Can farther away be in, say, California?”

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