Page 40 of Iron Unicorn

“Die of a heart attack.”

“I believe I shall have your new friends tie you to a chair, which is on a platform, and release a bushel of crabs. With tied pincers, obviously. But your princess will have ablastrescuing you. We wouldn’t even need to sedate you. You’d be trapped by the crabs.”

Fuck it. If I was going to be tortured, I would be getting something out of it. “So help me, Carl, if this doesn’t earn me a date with a princess, or I am killed by a bunch of fucking crabs, I’m going to haunt you and your descendants.”

“I think you’ll be fine, Terry. We might have to wage war against an overprotective princess once we’re done with you, but I think you’ll be fine.”

“I don’t believe you,” I informed him.

He laughed at me. “It’s good to know you’ll do just about anything for a date with your princess, though.”

“I will die of embarrassment if she ever finds out about this.”

“Ah, but if her brother finds out about it, he’ll adore you for life. You win some and you lose some, Terry. This time, you win and lose. You’ll get over it.”

“If I survive,” I muttered.

“Don’t be a baby, Terry. It’s just some crabs.”

NINE

“We couldn’t refuse such an invitation.”

I putsome serious thought into quitting and running away to spend the rest of my days as a hermit. Aware of the RPS’s end goal, I went along with being grabbed. To make it clear the caper was fun and games to everyone involved except for me, my kidnappers wore clown costumes. As I didn’t want larger men kicking my ass into next week, I put up a token resistance, tossing two and pretzeling one before they got the prison suppressor on me and asked, rather politely, that I cooperate.

Judging from their accents, Carl had called in some friends from south of the border to toy with me.

As the Mexican RPS did not play around, I went along with their request, satisfied I’d tossed even one of them during the dispute.

Once packed into a van to their liking, the driver asked, “Crabs, señor?”

“I got pinched as a child,” I explained. “At least that’s what my parents tell me. How are you liking Texas, gentlemen?”

“I’m entertained. It’s not every day Texas gives us a ring asking if we can torment a Montana man turned New Yorker. We couldn’t refuse such an invitation.”

“How’d I do?”

“Better than we expected. We were expecting to have you wrapped up for delivery without us earning a single bruise, especially not after a bout of pneumonia. For this exercise, I’m Roberto. My job is to keep you from having a heart attack. I’m both a member of the RPS and a royal physician. I’ll be monitoring your phobia, and I will be leaving your princess with a treatment plan. It should confuse her nicely.”

Great. Like Montana, Mexico allowed members of the royal family to serve in the RPS, and I could only think of one person who matched ‘Roberto’s’ qualifications. Third in line to the throne, Miguel could work some serious miracles with the human body, although he had a way to go to catch up with Maine’s royalty.

I had no doubt he could keep me alive even if I did have a heart attack. “I’m flattered Mexico has sent its best, Roberto.”

I would respect the prince’s wish to be disguised, not that he’d gone far out of his way to hide his identity.

Roberto chuckled. “Good. You’re as smart as rumor says. I have decided that, for this exercise, we will be using a tub of water suitable for the wildlife we’re setting loose around your chair, which will be above the water level. There will be a platform we shall have covered with a variety of crustaceans. As I would like to prevent you from having a heart attack, I am giving you ample warning. We expect you will panic around the time you are left alone in your rather unique cell. I added a little bit of flair; the whole setup will be in an acrylic tank, and we will fill it with water. Perhaps up to your knees? We could have it drip into the tank and have it spill out at chest level.”

There was evil, and then there was putting me in a tank with live crustaceans. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

“There shall also be shrimp in the tank.”

Well, if the Mexican RPS was out to scare me, they were doing a good job of it. “Can I pass on this arrangement?”

“I see I am dealing with a phobia rather than a basic fear, as that has shot your heart rate up by over twenty points.”

Carl must have given them access to my watch’s data. “Being absolutely serious, can I pass on this assignment?”

“No.”

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