Page 33 of Trapped with the Earl of Sin

At least for tonight anyway…

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Anervousness settled in the pit of Susanna’s stomach as she stood outside her sister’s bedchambers, waiting for her to open the door. Susanna had kept herself awake all night long after the ball that took place the previous evening, tossing and turning under the bedsheets as she tried to figure out what her next move should be.

Things had gotten so strange and complicated with Martin, she was terrified that whatever she did next would be yet another wrong move, muddying things even further.

“Good morning, Susanna,” Mary greeted happily as soon as she opened her door, smoothing down her day dress. “Is everything alright? You look like something is troubling you.”

Susanna bit her bottom lip and nodded. “Do you think that we could talk for a moment before we head down to breakfast?”

“Of course. Please, take a seat,” Mary offered. “You know that you can talk to me about anything.”

But that did not calm down the intense racing of Susanna’s heart as she tried to find the right words. She might have rehearsed this conversation a million times in her head, but now that she was here, about to talk, everything had escaped her mind.

“I… I do not know where to begin,” she admitted.

Susanna could not meet Mary’s eyes as she finally started talking. She just knew that this was a sensitive subject that had the potential to upset her sister, but she also desperately needed to know the answer.

“Go on,” Mary urged her gently. “Whatever it is, you know that you can talk to me about it.”

But Susanna still sucked in a sharp breath before she continued. “Well, I guess I am just wondering how you managed to do it… you know, fall in love again after everything that has happened.”

The silence in the air was so thick that Susanna could hardly breathe. For a beat too long, it truly did feel like she had said the wrong thing. But just because Mary did not talk about Duncan any longer, it surely did not mean that he was never on her mind.

Relief flooded Susanna when Mary finally answered her. “Of course, it has been hard for me. I would have to have no heart at all to find this easy. Losing Duncan in such a violent way wastruly terrible.” She threw her hands in the air as she spoke. “I mean, that was the man that I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I did not think I would ever look at another man for as long as I lived. Of course, you know better than anyone how that grief affected me.”

Susanna swallowed hard as she nodded. “Yes, I know. And that was an experience I never wish to go through again, Mary. I felt utterly hopeless seeing you so low, and knowing that there was nothing that I could do to pull you from that dark place… it was devastating.”

Mary nodded understandingly. “I know. I never wish to feel that way again either, which is why I was inwardly resistant when I first met Luke. I did not want to let him in at all.” She smiled, almost to herself, which Susanna found very touching. “But he managed to capture my heart anyway, despite all of my resistance. He managed to make me see that I do deserve a second chance at life and love after all. I truly do not know what I would do without him now. This might not be the life I thought that I would end up living, but I am still happy that this is the life that shall be mine.”

“I see.”

It was truly a lot for Susanna to process. She could almost feel the cogs in her brain turning as she tried to take all of this in. She did not know what she was expecting her sister to say, but this was a lot to process.

“What I am trying to tell you, Susanna,” Mary declared happily, “is to live your life with no regrets. You cannot always predict what is going to happen next. Life can be funny in that way. It is also far too short to worry about living it for other people. You need to concentrate on living it for yourself, and doing whatever makes you happy. Who are the people that you admire the most, Susanna? I believe, like me, you admire those who are happy. Trust me, Susanna. Love is worth it, regardless.”

Susanna had actually always looked up to her sister, but hearing Mary be so wise made her admire her even more. Perhaps this conversation had not answered all the questions that she still had floating through her mind with regard to Martin, but it was nice to know that happiness was the end goal. Even after heartbreak.

She just had to figure out now if this intense lust could lead to any kind of happiness. It was confusing, being around Martin and not knowing if she hated him, or wanted more, but she was going tohaveto figure it out.

“Come on,” Mary urged as she offered her sister her arm. “Let us go down for breakfast, I am sure that everyone will be waiting for us. We do not wish for them to wonder where we are.”

Susanna smiled and took her sister’s proffered arm. She even half listened to her as they made their way to the breakfast table, but truth be told, her mind was racing. Fear had gripped her, reminding her of all the reasons why she was so afraid to let anyone into her heart.

Mary might have found a way to recover from what had happened in her past, but Susanna could not help but still struggle with it. She feared she would not be strong enough to suffer such a fate, and then continue on with life afterwards.

Maybe that is a problem for another day,Susanna told herself as the faces of the other guests greeted her,I most certainly have some other things to worry about now.

Edwin’s face was a stark reminder of that. Especially as he seemed to be glowering at everyone while they talked and ate. How did no one else seem to pick up on that unpleasant expression on his face?

Well, there wasoneperson who always noticed, and as he caught her eyes, Susanna felt her heart leap up into her throat.

Did Martin know that she could not stop thinking about him? That he had been on her mind all night long?

And how did he feel about her?

“You girls must be very excited about the dance tonight,” Luke’s mother interjected, pulling Susanna out of her thoughts.

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