Page 7 of Becoming Monsterous

The soul, apparently, is a connection to the ethereal self: magic, power, values, ethics, and a kind of muscle memory that explains the warrior moves I found myself channeling more than once.

The consciousness is different. It contains memories as well as traits. Some of the strongest ones are of course love and devotion. But there are many negative emotions as well, like self-doubt, self-control, jealousy and envy, all of which weigh the soul down.

Once I take on Medusa's consciousness, I'll see all her memories play out as if they were mine. I'll be weighed down by the heaviness of her grief and remorse, as well as buoyed by her love and confidence. Her godhood will be fully mine—which will make me capable of wielding much more power, including the power of vengeance, which was given to her by the deity who died to ascend her to godhood.

"But that power has its downsides," she cautions. "Gods live for a very long time. I didn't live as long as most, since I ascended close to the end of the wars between summoners and deities, but the god whose soul was given to me lived for millennia. The weight of his grief and anger was part of his power for vengeance. If I hadn't been prepared for it, I don't know what I would have done—and you're so much younger than me that it may break you. You've never felt strong negative emotions like that before."

"You don't know that," I remind her, remembering the fear and anger I felt as Aaron held the dagger above my chest. "My childhood wasn't easy. My parents were distant and cold, and I witnessed terrible things when I was far too young. Maybe—maybe that makes me strong enough to hold something like this."

Uncle Richard's cooling body will never leave me. Seeing him dead, knowing he took his own life, changed me forever.

It wasn't the only thing that changed me. When I was seventeen, I witnessed a woman get hit by a bus. As she lay broken and bleeding on the pavement, no one went to be with her. Though they called emergency services, they were too distraught by her cries of pain and the awkward angles of her broken bones to get any closer.

So I got down next to her, took her hand between mine, and comforted her as she died.

When the EMTs and police arrived at the scene, they looked at me strangely. It wasn't until later that I realize I hadn't cried or reacted much at all as I told them what I'd witnessed. Yet another way in which I was too different to be loved or understood by the adults around me.

"Vengeance is nothing," I tell Medusa fiercely. "There are worse emotions to hold. Grief, remorse, doubt, rage—they all can consume you. And I've felt them all. Whatever happens next, I know that I can handle it. Age is nothing but a number in the end."

She looks deep into my eyes.

Then nods once, fiercely clasping my hands.

"Let's do it."

Chapter6

Ellie

Medusa pulls my hands apart a few inches.

Plucks the ball of energy from the air.

And flicks it between my open palm.

"All you have to do now is clasp it between your palms and press it into your chest."

I swallow. "And you'll leave me?"

"I'll be with you always, little warrior," she reassures me, "just in a whole new way."

My heart pounds furiously as I take the energy in my hands. It feels dense and heavy, yet it's effortless to hold. Medusa's snakes slither towards me and watch with fascination as I press it against my chest.

For a moment, there's resistance. Almost like it's not going to go in.

I feel relief—this means I won't have to change—followed by crashing disappointment. The truth is, I've never felt like I belonged anywhere in this world. Among my monsters, with my snakes, that feeling changed.

I don't want to give it up.

I want to be so much more than human. I want to be—no, Ilongto be—something more. Something powerful and capable.

Something monstrous.

Someonemonsterous.

As the thought washes over me, the ball of energy whizzes into my chest. I gasp, my heart leaping and lungs squeezing tight. Numbness washes over me, and my vision tunnels, until all I can see is Medusa's kind silver eyes.

"So it begins. Goodbye and hello, little warrior."

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