Page 75 of The Confidant

Why? I don’t understand any of this.

My phone rings, and Damon’s name comes up. I answer it automatically. The only sound I can hear is his panicked breathing.

“Please don’t hang up!” His shout doesn’t startle me. I’m falling into some numb place where I can’t feel much.

“Okay,” I mumble, staring at nothing.

“I didn’t know, Addie. I didn’t, I swear. I saw William last week, and we were catching up. I told him about the website and Poe. I was so goddamn proud of it I practically squealed like a pig. I never thought he would do something like this. Why the fuck did I say anything?”

He sounds so desperate. I can tell that he’s crying, while my tears have stopped at the shock.

How many people have seen this? It’s been up for two hours already.

“Addie,” his voice cracks down the middle. “Is that really a picture of you? Are you… have you been cutting?”

My thumb slides over the disconnect button. I can’t hear his sobbing breaths anymore. As if all of this could stop if I refused to hear it.

I text Poe on autopilot, declining Damon’s next call.

Me: Take the website down. It got leaked.

Oh God, he’s never going to want to see me again. I just crushed any trust any of these people could ever have in me. Not to mention what their reactions to my scars would be.

I’m not brave like them. I’m not strong. I’m just a person trying to pretend she’s decent.

As if to prove my thoughts, Grace calls. When I decline it, Damon’s name comes up again.

I can’t. I just can’t. I have nothing to defend myself with and no one to back me up.

I silence my phone, but that’s even worse.

A pressure is building up inside me that I don’t recognize. It’s filled with hate, anger, disgust, and a million other filthy emotions I can’t identify. It’s rolling up into a fat ball inside me, waiting to pop out and shred me to pieces.

I glance at the mess on the floor, reaching to clean it up as if that’s the most important thing in my world. The first thing I see is the toy for the baby. I gasp out a pained breath and grip it tight. My hand shakes so hard that the rattle sounds out when I pick it up.

Will I ever be able to see the baby?

That’s another agonizing reality I can’t face.

I’ll never be good enough even to see Tera, much less their baby.

I give up. Why am I still fighting? What’s the point?

I look around, my sight blurry with tears, and find my trash can. I drop the toy inside before I can talk myself out of it.

On impulse, I go to the shop. My safe haven. The curtains over the windows are drawn. No one can see inside. I’m safe here.

Right?

Seeing Damon’s empty side of it makes the tears start up again. Every part of his presence is gone.

“Of course, he left. We weren’t really friends, I bet. He’s probably as fake as all the rest of them.”

I can’t do this anymore. Seeing this shop through their eyes makes me feel dirty.

That pressure pops, and I begin sobbing erratically.

Before I can second-guess myself, I’m moving.

---