Page 57 of Unconditional

Birdie shook her head.“Not by much.I just bring her some herbs from my garden at home.All different kinds for cooking, teas, herbal remedies, you name it.”She picked up one of the cork topped jars, passing it to me.Dried chamomile.“And in the summer, Kat lets me set up a little stand out on her sidewalk to sell some of the excess veggies I grow.It’s nice to share with the community.”

My lips pulled up and my chest warmed.“That sounds like the perfect way to spend your time.”

Birdie’s smile grew, her joy evident.“I love it.”

“I’m so happy for you.”And I was.She had gotten everything she’d ever wanted.The peace, the quiet, the plants—the man too.And there wasn’t anybody more deserving.

“This is some of the best fucking ice cream I’ve ever had.To think, if I hadn’t insisted you go get your guts rearranged last year, I might not be sitting here right now, having the best ice cream ever.”I swallowed another bite, my eyes squeezing shut as yet another wave of brain freeze iced over my skull.Birdie laughed, sitting across from me with a root beer float.She’d taken me to an old style ice cream joint about a block away from Kat’s Flora, but not after I spent half a month’s rent on various teas and books.

Did I know a damn thing about herbs or have any use for books on designing bouquets?Absolutely not.But it was something so special to Birdie, and I felt the dire urge to support her in her element.

“I knew the second you said you were coming that I had to bring you here,” she said, taking a long pull from her favorite treat."You've always been a fiend for a sugar high."

I couldn’t spare her a thankful smile because I was already digging into another spoonful of frozen deliciousness.It felt like it had been before—when Birdie and I would get ice cream after work or visit our favorite coffee shop.The innate instinct to blab like we used to took over, and without thinking I let the words fall out of my mouth.

“So, my sister is pregnant.”I licked my spoon clean enough to see my reflection in its surface before scooping up another bite.

Birdie’s straw made a slurping sound as she broke through a chunk of vanilla ice cream.Her eyebrows barely twitched.“Oh?Which one?”

“Megan.”

“Hmm, wow.She must be excited.”Birdie’s lack of interest was expected, she knew I was not close with any of my siblings.

I shrugged, “I don’t know, I found out onInsta.Oh!”I braced myself.“And James is engaged.”

This made my friend choke.Literally.Root beer sputtered out of her mouth, and she grabbed frantically for some napkins to clean herself up.“What?”

Again, I shrugged, doing my best to reserve my feelings on the matter.Birdie had been the one to pick me up out of the ashes of mine and James’ failed relationship, had been the one to see me at my very worst.If it hadn't been for her, I'd probably still be rotting into our old couch.“Found that out on the internet as well.”

Pity I didn’t want shone brightly in my friend’s eyes, followed closely behind by what seemed to be barely restrained frustration.“That lying little—”

I cut her off, despite my appreciation for her protectiveness.“It’s okay, Bird.I’ve moved on.”

Giving me a questioning look, she asked softly, “Then why do you look so sad?”

Sighing, I lifted my shoulder again.“It’s not about James necessarily.It’s just…I thought that it would be us.And even though he was adamant he wasn’t ready to give that to me…well, it hadn’t taken him very long to give it to someone else.It just had me questioning a lot of things.”

“Mize—”

“No,” I interrupted again, giving her a watery smile.I thought of her and Milo and the beautiful life they’d created together.I thought about the insane journey I’d just taken to reach them with Milo’s own brother, of all people.I thought about my contradicting feelings about the man.About all the ways I felt for him that I hadneverfelt for James.“It’s okay, really.If anything, I’ve definitely come to the realization that James and I would never have worked in the long run.It was a pipe dream.”

“You loved him,” she said, a sympathetic note in her tone.“It’s okay if this hurts you.”

“It's more like a phantom pain.A scar that’s healed over.Still hurts when you press on it.And you’re right, I did.I did love him but…”

When I trailed off, a small but knowing smile curved Birdie’s lips.“But he’s not the sun anymore.”

I didn’t know what she meant, but in my soul the words sounded right.

forty-one

Misely

Inthepast,Icould definitely be described as rash and irresponsible.I made choices for attention and I made choices to stir the pot, regardless of consequences.There was a good chance that those choices were made in the heat of the moment.But over the year that had passed since Birdie and I shared our tiny apartment, I had done my best to learn from those past mistakes and make a concentrated effort to get my shit together.

Birdie and I were wandering through the grocery store picking up things she thought we needed for dinner when the first inkling of panic set in.Turning down the pharmacy aisle, she made an absent comment about picking up some extra tampons.

She grabbed a box off the shelf and then looked to me.“Do you need anything over here?I hope we haven’t been apart so long that our cycles have un-synced.”Her laugh tapered off when she registered my visibly paling expression.A dark realization was clouding over me like a thunderstorm, anxiety setting a buzz of locusts in my gut.Up until this point, our day had been wonderful, despite the turbulent arrival the night before.Now, all the optimism of the day had been washed away as a horrible realization darkened my mood to an obsidian pit.

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