Page 107 of Tides That Bind

“Screw you,” I snarl. “All I do is think about Lucas. All I do is work to put the smallest smile on his face. But you wouldn’t know anything about that. You just walk in and helightsup. That’s why after the dog bite I asked you to come back.”

I don’t know if I’ve grown stronger because of my words or if Riley has gone weaker but when I shove him this time, he steps back and I need the space even though I don’t want it.

I asked you to come back for him but I want you to stay for me.

“Can you just get me your keys? I’m allowed to be sad for just a minute. That doesn’t mean I’m going to…” I shake my head at the inconceivable thought. “Please…please, Riley, let me have a fucking minute here.”

Riley doesn’t budge and I grow angrier.

“You got your minute! You goteverythingwith him,” I snarl. “Firsts…lasts…all of it.Just let me go to the last place he breathed and laughed andlivedand pretend that Nate was my husband instead of onlyyourfriend.”

Riley says words are hard. I just never knew how hard my own words could be, how they could make Riley flinch, like I struck him right in the chest.

“I tried,” he whispers. Leaning forward, he presses his hands to his knees. “Itried.”

I swallow. “Tried what?”

Riley explodes up when he straightens, and outwards at me with his own words. But while mine were fueled by anger, his are packed with sorrow.

“I tried to give you more than a god damn minute with him!”

The surprise of Riley raising his voice makes me take a step back and immediately his face softens, souring in regret.

“Fuck, Harper, I’d do anything to get him back. For Lucas. For you. I would’ve given up being his friend so you could be his wife. Right now, if I could do it, I would. Even if that means you’d never be mine.” His voice cracks. “Even if that means I’d never be yours to miss.”

A sob bursts from my chest.

“It should’ve beenmestuck in the car, not Nate. Never Nate. And here’s your proof.” He holds out his hand and I look at his permanently crooked finger. “He broke it to make me let go. That son of a bitch…I tried to get him out of that car because he had something—you.And he didn’t even fight. Didn’t flinch. He wasn’t fucking scared. All he was thinking about was you and making sure you’d be okay without him.”

My shoulders shake and I watch Riley’s face tighten. I know how he wants to hold me. But instead he grimaces and fists his hands, holding himself back.

He lowers his head. “He made me promise to look after you and I’m trying to do that. I’mtrying—”

“You came back because you feltguilty.” I don’t know how I’m getting these words out. I feel sick. “There’s no need for you to stay because of that too.”

It’s another blow, but apparently I only know rapid fire.

“I don’t need hugs and almost kisses because you pity me.”

Riley’s face twists in anger. “Pity? You think me holding you like my life depends on it is because ofpity?I’ll tell you something, Harper. When Nate made me promise to look after you,I’ll bet you everything I have he didn’t mean the way Iwantto. I’m trying to figure out how to do the right thing and ignore everything else, like how beautiful you are, or the way you smell like the sweetest flowers. I’m trying to put blinders on around you so I don’t go back to that”—Riley points to the garage—“apartment and fall asleep dreaming of waking up with you. Becausehedoesn’t get to. And that’s not fair.”

I open my mouth but Riley continues.

“You’re so busy thinking I won the beginning and the end that you forgot about the most important part. The middle is where the magic happens.” Riley dips at his knees so we are eye level but I can hardly see his face through the tears. “I didn’t get it until after he died. You’re the magic, Harper.”

My heart swells in one breath and deflates in the next, and with it my body sobs begin to quietly pour out of me. Because Riley’s words are followed with no action. He doesn’t step closer, doesn’t reach out and hold me, even after what I say next.

“Maybe we’re magic together.”

Riley shakes his head. “Whatever is happening here…” he trails off like it’s too hard to say the words.

It’s not right.

But some things are more powerful unsaid.

I’m cloaked in shame and fold my arms across my chest, as if I can hide this sort of scarlet letter I’ve branded myself with surrendering to feelings I have no control over. Because if Riley feels whatever is happening between us isn’t right for him—the friend—it can’t possibly be right for me—the widow.

“If it’s so not right, maybe we should think about you moving out,” I counter. “Maybe all this stuff with the surfing and Tides and the lawsuit…you know, maybe we’ll only end up hurting Lucas. And there’s no reason for us to tie you down. You should be…doing what you used to do. You know, dating and whatever.”

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