Page 74 of Tides That Bind

I scratch my head, feigning confusion. “Are we talking about the same mom here?”

Lucas huffs dramatically in the way only a child can but there’s something genuine there. I can’t ignore the gentle shake of his tiny shoulders. “She let them take Tides.”

I point at my door. “Let’s go inside.”

“Can I live with you?” he asks again

“Only for a little bit.” Stepping around Lucas, I make it up to the landing, opening the door while I pull my phone out of my pocket with my free hand, sending Harper a voice note while Lucas walks inside.

He’s with me, don’t freak out. I’ll bring him back to bed in a bit.

I pocket my phone and go inside, finding Lucas sitting in the middle of my bed.

“She didn’tletthem take Tides.” The image of Harperrunning down the street barefoot is something I don’t share with Lucas. I opt for a softer explanation. “She tried to talk with them.”

“Dad wouldn’t have let anyone take Tides if he were here.”

This hypothetical stuff fucking kills me. It’s an immediate opening of a door into a blackhole. But I can’t tell Lucas not to think about theif. That’s what his little heart needs. He needs to keep imagining the world with his dad and I have to let him even though his words, carried by a tiny voice, gut me.

“If Dad were here everything would be better.” Lucas's mouth begins to tremble.

I’ve seen Lucas cry—when he fell down, bumped his head, got upset over being told not to jump on the couch. I mean, I was there for Lucas'sfirstcry, his initial taste of the world. But this is the first time I’ve seen a little boy with a broken heart cry. It doesn’t just sound different. It hits different—hard.

Lucas drops his head into his small hands and starts sobbing. I scoot closer, putting one hand on the back of his head and tug him forward gently and I just hold him for a minute, trying to be careful with my own words. Because I’m not sure what I can say to make this better.I don’t want to tell Lucas he should be grateful for the one living parent he has, no matter how awesome of a mother Harper is. I don’t want to invalidate the way he misses someone just because he has someone else. I definitely don’t want to tell him his dad wouldn’t want to see him like this, or hear him talk about his mother this way. I know, in my heart, Nate wouldn’t say that anyway.

Lucas's tears seep through my shirt.

“It really sucks. It’s really hard. It’s not fair.”

I’ve held this kid when he was a colicky infant. I’ve seen him grow from a chubby toddler to a little kid. But right now, Lucas looks and feels unfairly small in my hands, far too small to know what it’s like to miss someone. There’s nothing I can say to bring his dad back and yet I find myself talking, trying to give him more bits and pieces to hold onto. I realize I could write a novelabout our friendship. But it’s the first chapter that really is the most important.

“He really saved you? Even when he was little?”

I nod. “Your dad was born to be a hero.”

Lucas's trembling lips finally settle into a small smile. “Like an Avenger?”

“Totally like Captain America. And he didn’t just save me that day, he also taught me to surf too. “

“You almost drowned and you still learned to surf?”

I shrug. “Your dad said if you try to be a little brave you might have a lot of fun.”

The smile on Lucas's face slowly disappears.

I don’t consider myself a parent even though I’ve been in Lucas's life from day one. But seeing his face drop like that and knowing what’s behind it makes my heart hurt in a way that this must be the worst part about parenting—watching your kid hurt in real time.

And even though I’m not Lucas's father and never will be, I’m determined to bring that hope and wonder back to his face.

I just have to figure out how to be brave to show Lucas he can have a lot of fun.

Twenty minutes later, I’m carrying Lucas down the stairs and across the back yard. Harper rises from where she sits on the back porch’s swing.

“Get the door,” I whisper.

We enter the house and I make my way up the stairs to Lucas's room where I bend and ease him into bed, reaching to turn off the lamp on his nightstand.

Lucas hums in his sleep before he turns to his side, facing me. “Riley? Is death the bad guy like Thanos?”

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