Page 70 of Tides That Bind

His deep green eyes widen again. “Can you?”

I laugh and sit back in my place.

“I can’t believe he kept this from me,” Riley sneers. “You’re not lying, are you? Did you really grow up in a circus?”

“Technically, I grew up in a fifth wheel.”

The thought of the trailer makes me feel cramped and claustrophobic even though Riley and I sit outside in the fresh air. The stench of stale cigarette smoke stings my nose even though it’s a memory. For me, the worst memories are the kind you can smell and most of my childhood has a stench.

“But yes,” I continue, “My parents owned a circus. My dad was the ringleader, my mom choreographed and performed. We were always on the road. I think the longest we stayed in one place was when I was twelve somewhere in Arkansas and that’s only because my dad got arrested for not having the right permits.”

“That’s gotta be tough for a kid.”

“A little,” I admit. “I mean. There’s magic at the circus, sure. If you’re watching. But…it’s not magical behind the scenes. I was homeschooled,sometimes. My friends were all adults—performers, truckers. We were always on the go. Iguess you could say I had a big family but…it wouldn’t be something I’d wish upon a kid. I ran away when I was seventeen.” I shrug. “I don’t want anything even close to the chaos for Lucas.”

These days, it feels like we’re getting close.

“What?” I ask when I turn back, finding Riley standing.

“He’s going to be alright, you know.”

A heavy sigh leaves my heart. “He’s going to be heartbroken.”

“I don’t mean just about Tides,” Riley says quietly. “He’ll be alright because you’re his mom.”

Even though I’m not sure I believe Riley’s words, I smile as genuinely as I did in the parking lot after Career Day before things went south.

Part of me wants to push him a bit, to understand the boundary Riley drew with the one thing he loves most in life. But I don’t want to ruin the peace that this moment is full of. I don’t want to make heavy the air that finally feels so easy between us when all around is a hurricane.

I give him something else.

“I’m sorry,” I admit honestly.

“For what?”

I rub my lips together and then sigh. “I never exactly treated you kindly. I looked at you as a threat and…”

And the truth is, I’m grateful that in this life, before and after me, Nate did have Riley, right up until the end.

“Athreat?” Riley laughs. “Me. A threat. Why do you have me saved asPeter Panin your phone then? He wasn’t threatening. Why didn’t you give me Captain Hook?”

My eyes widen.

“Yeah. I know about that. And for the record, now that I know what I know about you, you’re definitely Tinker Bell.”

The frown I hold explodes into a laugh. “Tinker Bell?”

“I mean, she can fly. And she kind of just goes about fixing everything until its perfect again. It feels like the perfect fit. Butshe definitely wasn’tthreatenedby Peter Pan. I think she actually was in love with him.”

I wave him off. “It’s ridiculous I know. But…you know before we moved here, I knew more about you than anyone else. Even Claire. You were the most important person in his life—”

“Until you. I’m not sure how you don’t see that.”

But I don’t. Because I’ve never been more important to anyone.

I never was more important to my parents than the circus. My needs—basic, innocent ones—were secondary. It didn’t matter to them that Lenny, who handled ticketing, taught me how to multiply, or that Priscilla, another acrobat, taught me to read. It didn’t bother my parents that while other kids my age were readingHarry Potter, I was nose deep into a Danielle Steel novel Priscilla lent me from her own personal library.

It didn’t even matter when I ran away. No one came looking for me.

---