Page 52 of Tides That Bind

Finn doesn’t know how luckyheis. Because judging by how easily he tells me this lets me know he doesn’t know how heavy the guilt that comes with surviving is.

It’s so heavy I’m sinking.

“Riley, Nate would never want to see you this way.”

I think of Harper’s soft voice and how she spoke to me the night after coming home from the hospital.

“He’d be so upset at me for treating you this way.”

The end of that conversation was a stark difference from how we—howI—ended it yesterday. The night I officially came home, we were on the same side. Now, I tried to push her back over the line when she really never crossed it. I just moved it further in her direction.

Today, Nate would be pissed atme. But not because I don’t feel entitled to the joy I find in surfing like Finn thinks. No. Nate would be upset that I was unfairly harsh with Harper.

I sigh, trying to accept that living isn’t my reward. It’s merely my penance, my punishment for not getting Nate out of that car.

“Yeah. You’re right. I’ll work on it,” I lie.

Half asleep,I turn on the coffee machine when Lucas flies into the kitchen, dumping a dozen action figures on the floor.

“What are you doing?” I ask, stepping over Black Panther while Tides pushes Iron Man across the tile with his nose.

Lucas beelines to a lower cabinet. “I need a bag.” His voice is muffled because he practically crawls into the enclosed space. “I’m bringing these to Logan’s house.”

“All of them?”

Falling back on his knees, Lucas begins to pack the toys, stopping to take Ant Man who has slid under the table, from Tides’s mouth after the dog retrieved it. “Yeah. Oh! Mom! And my roller skates. You said I could.”

I did say that after calling the doctor who saidhe can be a kid as long as he wears wrist guards and a helmet.

“I have to get them from the garage. But you’re only going to be at his house for a few hours. Do you need all this?”

“Of course I do!” Lucas announces, standing. He looks down at the bag he carries that might snap in an instant.

The seriousness of Lucas's tone lets me know I shouldn’t argue, only get him a better bag to put all his belongings in.

“Here.” I take some cereal and pour him a bowl beforegrabbing the milk. “Eat breakfast. I’ll go get your skates from the garage.”

I cross the backyard still in my pajamas, my robe hanging open. I pull up the sleeve. The skin around my scar itches. I focus on rubbing around it and not the apartment above the garage or Riley’s Jeep parked outside before I open the side door and head to the shelving, opening a few bins before I find the one I’m looking for. When I turn, my eyes land in the corner of the garage on the surfboards—including the one Riley bought for Lucas's birthday.

The sight infuriates me, and I almost drop everything and drag every board out to Riley’s car so he can bring them down to work. He might live in a small apartment, but he certainly has space for this, what I now deemjunk, at work.

But I don’t have the time or energy for that now.

With full arms, I go back outside, struggling to shut the door behind me.

“I got it.”

It’s not Riley’s voice that makes me jump. It’s the heat coming off his body from behind me that seems to wrap me up and soothe my fury when he reaches around to pull the door closed. I didn’t want to see him this morning, even though I turn to face him. I don’t want to use a soft voice with him, even though I do.

“Thanks.”

Riley reaches down, picking up a knee pad that I’ve dropped. He turns it in his hands, and it’s now that I notice his splint is gone, the hand that’s been hiding beneath it noticeably thinner and pale. I don’t have the balls to ask him how the doctor visit went.

“Playing hooky at the skate park today?” he asks.

“Lucas has a playdate after school. You don’t have to pick him up. I meant to tell you.”But I’ve been avoiding you at all costs.

“I can get him if you give me the address.”

---