Page 39 of Tides That Bind

But today I rip the crust off my own slice and toss it to Tides.

“You deserve it.”

Pushing my plate away, I wipe my hands with a napkin and rub his head while he inhales the food. Unable to help myself, I drag my fingers through the fur on his back. It’s foreign, this sense of love and appreciation I have for this dog who didn’t just save Lucas, but makes a difference to him every day in such an unsettling period of our lives.

I pick a loose piece of Tides’s hair from my sweatpants and when I look up, Riley is staring at my arm so intently, he doesn’t even notice I’m looking at him until I touch the edge of the bandage.

Immediately our eyes lock, but Riley quickly turns away.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out, no longer able to take the tension filling the kitchen. “About the other night—"

“You don’t have to be sorry.”

“But I am, really.” I focus on the chair that normally would be Nate’s. “He’d be upset with me for treating you that way.”

Like any marriage, Nate and I had our ups and downs. There were arguments about finances, about what school Lucas should go to. These kinds of issues came and went with the season like growing pains. But the contention that remained consistent between us never had to do with plans for retirement or public versus private school.

The thing we never agreed on from beginning until end was Riley.

He fidgets in his chair. A piece of dark hair slips forward, but Riley doesn’t swat it back. He uses it, I imagine, as a boundary between him and the wife of his best friend who never understood why her husband had such a soft spot for a grown man infected with Peter Pan syndrome. Riley was responsible for only himself. He showed up when it benefited him.

But when Lucas's laugh echoes again from the living room, I’m reminded that Riley showed uptodaywhen Nate couldn’t. He showed up even though I didn’t ask.

I clear my throat, anticipating the shake in my voice before I even speak. “I don’t blame you for what happened.”

Through the fringe of the dark hair shading Riley’s face, I watch him squeeze his eyes shut. His whole body winces, like my words are darts that pierce him and burrow within, irritating an invisible wound no one understands.

Except me. This is the kind of hurt I know—bone deep.

“I want you to believe me. I don’t blame you. If Nate could’ve got out of that car and come home to me, he would have. It wasn’t your fault.”

Riley’s eyes open and remain focused down and I follow the trail of his gaze where I find my hand resting on his good one ontop of his knee. It’s an effort to show comfort that came so easily I didn’t even realize it happened.

In a way, this is a white flag. But I’m merely holding it out and wondering if Riley will wave it with me.

There’s a softening in his body I feel beneath my fingertips as Riley’s muscles loosen more after a deep breath. I press my lips together fighting disappointment it’s probably not fair for me to feel when Riley lifts his hand and mine slips from his.

But I’m flooded with relief, an emotion I’m not prepared to handle when he sandwiches my hand between his leg and palm.

“Thank you for coming today.”

My words are punctuated by small cries. I’m grateful. I’m heartbroken. I cry because I’m so happy I’m finally not alone. Even though I’ve been surrounded by people, none of them have felt like the right one. But Riley in this kitchen, at home with us where Nate can’t be, it’s the thing that allows me to finally take a breath.

When Riley raises his head, the curtain of his thick hair clears to the side. His green eyes find the bandage covering my wound.

“He’d kill me if he knew I left you alone in a hospital.”

I swallow over the lump in my throat.

“Is there dessert?”

We both jump when Lucas comes sprinting into the kitchen.

I stand, keeping my face out of Lucas's sight so I can blink away the tears and wipe the few that have escaped with a napkin.

“Yes. Absolutely."

This is a yes day. Yes to pizza, yes to eating in the living room in front of the TV instead of at the kitchen table, yes to ice cream with extra sprinkles.

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