Page 34 of Tides That Bind

“Riley, I love you.”

“Conversations like this never end well,” I warn Caroline. “Better to just leave it.”

My sister plops on the bed of her guest room I’ve occupied in the week since I abandoned the futon at work a few days ago.

Caroline picks up one of my t-shirts, refolding it. “Riley, I’veleftit for long enough. I’m happy you came here. You’re welcome here—”

“But?”

“But…alright, look, I probably don’t have the best thing to say—”

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, best not to say anything at all.”

“Riley, you can’tlivelike this. You’re hardly eating. You barely leave this room—”

“I took a walk to the deli yesterday to get a sandwich,” I inform her. I might’ve thrown most of the sandwich away, but I did something. “And I’m about to go to work.”

What I mean by that is, I’m about to go sit in my office for the twenty minutes I can actually tolerate being there, staring at a full inbox of things I’m behind on and notunderstand one word. And that’s not because I’m dyslexic. That’s because nothing makes any sense without Nate around. Not even invoices.

“Have you talked to Harper?”

I have a feeling that if Harper let Caroline know about the other night, she would’ve opened the conversation with that. “Haveyoutalked to Harper? After all, she’s your friend, not mine.”

I like to think that maybe the Harper from the other night, the one who tried to force the anger louder than the sadness weeping from her voice, is the new norm. I fuckingwishit. Because I’d rather her only be angry with me—hateme—than be heartbroken because of me.

“I have.”

“How is she?”

“I don’t really know how to answer that,” Caroline says and I hang my head.

I guess words can be hard for everyone sometimes, even for those who don’t always struggle with them.

“She told me Lucas has been asking about you.”

I don’t fight or grimace when the air is looted from my chest. This is my punishment, my penance. But god, the other night destroyed me in a way I didn’t know was possible. Because maybe the only thing worse than hearing Nate say my name with a cracking, sad voice, was the way Lucas said it with excitement and sheer happiness. Again.

“Riley—”

“Don’t,” I warn her. “Don’t tell me to go over there.”

“Maybe you should see if you can just go over there and see him. I’ll go with you. I’ll stay with Harper and you can take him out—”

“Caroline—”

“Riley, he’s akidand hisdaddied.”

I throw down the clothes I was pretending to fold. “I’m aware. I wasthere,” I growl.

Caroline opens her mouth to answer but her phone shrills from the kitchen. She raises her head to the ceiling and groans.

“I thought I was done with calls today,” she says before disappearing from the room.

I shake my head, trying to rid my thoughts of Lucas, of Harper when I hear Caroline say her name.

“Harper, slow down.”

I turn my head toward the door.

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