Page 23 of Tides That Bind

But that was before.

Now? I don’t give much of a shit.

Remaining flat on my back, I shut my eyes and bring my arms to my sides and my legs together. But I feel nothing apart from my diaphragm contracting in this kind of Savasana. I won’t ever tell my students, but sometimes, yoga is bullshit.

“What are you doing?”

I press up onto my elbows when I hear Caroline’s voice. “They came to hang a few hammocks today. I’m trying to prepare movement for when I start a class.”

She places her hands on her hips. “And how’s that going?”

“About as good as everything else.”

Caroline touches the seafoam green hammock that failed to cooperate for me before. She jumps when Tides approaches quiet and cautiously before sighing and patting his head.

“I meant, why aren’t you home? It’s after eight.”

I don’t know how I can properly articulate what it’s like for me tobehome when it doesn’t feel like that anymore.

“Claire took Lucas to a late movie. They should be done soon.”

When I stand, Caroline eyes my leg. “Do youknowanything about aerial yoga?”

“Of course I do. I was just distracted.” I walk around Caroline. “But I actually should vacuum and get everything shut down for the night.” I see tufts of hair blow across the floor. Under normal circumstances, I’d never bring Tides to the studio.But there’s something I find comforting in his presence these days, and he’s not used to spending so much time home alone.

Besides, what is normal anyway?

Caroline follows me. “I called you. Three times.”

Just then my phone rings. I pick it up from the folding table I brought in until I get something more permanent for the space. I silence Silas’s call.

I just can’t, I think to myself. Not with one of Nate’s co-workers, and not with my best friend.

“You’re not the only one. Sorry. I’ve been swamped.” I open the closet for the vacuum. “I’ve got someone certified and have had to sit in on all her classes. Now that I have the hammocks—"

“Harper….” Caroline sighs before going quiet.

If there’s anything I’ve learned I hate since Nate died is how my name sounds when people say it just because they don’t know what else to say, like what Caroline is doing now. She’s checking on me, I get that. She’s my best friend and I’m lucky to have her in my corner.

But I don’t want to be looked after right now. Because all the pity and empathy does is remind me I’m not looked after by the person I need the most. And I won’t be. Ever again.

I pull out the cord of the vacuum, but Caroline reaches down and takes it from my hand. “I get that I don’t know what you’re going through.”

My eyes flash to the eternity band on her left finger. I took off my simple gold band the day after the accident when the coroner returned Nate’s. Why wear mine? I’m not married anymore. Both rings sit in the small safe at home which I never plan to open again until Lucas turns eighteen and I have to hand over his birth certificate and Social Security card.

“You’re right, you don’t.”

Caroline’s face sinks. “What can I do? I…I know it was an accident, Harper, but Riley was in that car and he’s my brother and—”

“How I felt and feel about Riley has nothing to do with you.It never has. If it did, we probably never would’ve been friends to begin with.”

“Felt andfeel?” Caroline steps closer. “Harper, it was an accident. Riley didn’t—”

“I know it was an accident. I read the report. And the autopsy.”

I know there was no way Riley—or anyone—would’ve been able to get Nate out of the car in time for him to live.

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” I continue, but these words, I don’t believe. And that’s not because I believe Riley could’ve done something that night that would’ve changed the outcome, something that would’ve kept Nate here with me.

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