Page 121 of Tides That Bind

And I want to. Just nothere.

My phone beeps from my pocket and I silence it, shaking my head before I cross the street.

Ship-Slapped is at its typical Saturday night capacity, and my ears ring from the horrible 90s music. I get a quick, but thoughtful nod from Marty behind the bar before he lifts his chin and tips his head toward the corner of the bar. I spot Finn’s backwards hat beside my sister.

“What took you so long?” Caroline asks. Her eyes narrow and linger on me before I give a quick shake of my head. She hands me a drink. “We ordered for you.”

I lift the glass to my mouth. Bourbon. I don’t think I’ve had hard liquor since before the accident and the first sip already has my mouth tingling. I’m quick to place the glass back on the table.

“Where’s Harper?” I ask, dodging a stare from Finn.

Caroline keeps her eyes focused on her vodka tonic. “Did you get your court date yet?”

I shake my head.

“Hopefully tomorrow,” my sister says as Finn pushes off from the table.

“Gotta use the bathroom.”

I grab my glass. “How worried should I be? I should’ve heard something by now, right? I mean it’s thepolice department.”

My sister presses her lips together. “I know you think a certain way of me. And I know you’re myolderbrother so you’re the one who should protectmebut—”Caroline pauses and knocks her arm into mine—“I wouldn’t let you do something I didn’t think you couldn’t.”

I nod.

“You could say somethingnice, Riley.”

“I’m sorry for telling Mom and Dad to return you for a toy helicopter when they brought you home from the hospital,” I deadpan.

Beneath the table Caroline kicks me in the shin.

“Thanks,” I tell her after I flinch.

“One step at a time, alright? For all we know, they could bring Tides back tomorrow. I mean, Nate’s story is heartbreaking. If the community finds out…no one wants to see a kid who already lost so much suffer more. They might do the right thing and this doesn’t go any further.”

I don’t even entertain it as a possibility. I want to drive this all the way home, meaning I want the police department to fight me on this. I want to have a hearing date scheduled, sit awake all fucking night rehearsing my brief opening. The thing is, I know no matter how much I prepare, how confident I am, it might not be enough. Because judges will do what judges will do. They might be there to judge the case, but what if I stand at the table and look at my notes and see a jumbled mess that doesn’t trigger my memory in the slightest? What if I make a complete fool out of myself in front of the police department, in front of a judge and Harper?

It's a risk I’m willing to take because I’m determined to fix what I can. I’m determined to win. But that doesn’t mean wedon’t have a shot atlosingtoo. I’ll have to then admit that my best wasn’t good enough. Like always. I’ll have to admit that to Lucas and…

Harper.

Harper, who I see winding through a crowd wearing a birthday hat and carrying acake.

I look behind me, confused. It’s not my birthday. Or Caroline's. Or Finn’s.

They’re hanging a banner that sayscongratulationson the wall. Caroline moves the drinks aside, making room so Harper can place the cake in front of me.

“What…” My gaze focuses on Harper’s hat—Avengers. It’s left over from Lucas's birthday. It’s not just me staring at her. The music continues playing but everyone around us has seemed to stop their conversations and stare.

Harper’s pink lips pucker before she smiles widely. And then she lifts both arms in the air and turns to the crowd. “Riley passed the bar!” She screams and begins to clap.

And then so does everyone else, except Finn who gives up trying to hang the banner on the wall and instead just extends his arms, holding it up like some wrestling belt.

The next thing I know, Harper is putting a hat on me.

The elastic bites into the bottom of my chin because my muscles pull at it when I smile. I’m smiling even though I feel like an idiot with the hat on and random people clapping me on my back, offering to buy me a drink.

Harper’s hand lingers in my hair as she adjusts the cardboard cone.

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