Page 116 of Tides That Bind

“We’re sleeping in acabin,” Lucas reminds him.

Now it’s me who shoots off the bed. “I should get an extra first aid kit.”

When Riley rolls his eyes as I pass by I realize where Lucas got the gesture from. In my bathroom, I grab a small first aid kit, opening it to make sure there’s Neosporin and more bandages than even the clumsiest kid would need for a few days away.

I hear Lucas playing in his room and find Riley in the hall at the stairs. “You good?”

Holding my arms out, I lower my gaze, giving my body a search sarcastically. Because, why wouldn’t I be okay?

But as we stand, holding each other’s gazes, I realize apart from Lucas playing in his room, there’s an echo of silence in the house—no dog running up and down the stairs, no sign of Nate. If you take away Lucas's noises, it will be dead quiet.

I’ve been so busy with work and preparing Lucas for his trip, preoccupied with the lawsuit, with everything going on with Riley that I didn’t think about being in the housealonefor the first time.

“Harper?”

“Yes,” I lie.

Riley purses his lips together, as if he’s waiting for me to break. But I won’t. Because Claire is on her way to take Lucas on a trip the two of them have been looking forward to since Nate was alive and able to be included in it.

I can’t take it away from two people who lost so much just because it’s going to be hard forme.

“You’re going to be late.” I stop, still a few feet away from Lucas's door and Riley hasn’t moved from his spot. “I’mfine.”

“Alright. I’ll…see you later.”

It’s only a few minutes after I slip the first aid kit into Lucas's bag that the doorbell rings and we go down to answer it. I should be happy that Lucas isthishappy, so happy it doesn’t even seem he’ll miss me.

“Give Mommy another hug.” Claire nudges Lucas forward and he quickly comes crashing into me.

I lift him because he’ll never be too old or too big to be my baby. Myonlybaby—my everything.

“Be good.” I squeeze Lucas tightly and my heart expands and deflates like a sad balloon hovering around after a birthday.

“You’ll be home when I come back.”

It’s not a question, but a statement, something he’s manifesting.

Ahead of us, I find Claire staring, the faintest glistening of tears cast in her eyes and I wonder if she can remember every hug she gave Nate, every scraped knee she kissed, every feverish cheek she cupped with a cooler, reassuring hand. I get the bits and pieces of Nate through Lucas every day. I’mluckyI have that. And I can share it. Because the bottom line is without Claire, there would be no Lucas.

Slowly, I lower Lucas to the ground. “Your—”

I shut my mouth. I almost said it. I almost told Lucas his Dad and I will be waiting for him to get back.

“Riley and I will be waiting for you when you come home,” I correct myself, but the tilt of Claire’s head, the inquisitive narrowing of her eyes let me know my attempt to clarify only muddled the waters more.

And Claire is trying to see through it.

I grow hot, flustered, and open my mouth to somehow try to fix this again, but Lucas takes charge, grabbing Claire’s hand.

“Nana, let’s go!”

Claire shakes her head slightly. “Yes. Yes, let’s get going.”

I keep waving even though Claire has already backed out of the driveway and is halfway down the street and out of sight. I wave until my wrist cracks and then drop my arm, returning to the steps. The weight of the memory of Claire’s look forces me to sink down onto them.

“You’re thinking too much. She didn’t say anything.”

But sometimes looks are a good substitute for words.

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