Page 25 of The Way We Fell

“Really? ‘Cause I thought you had to—”

“Oh, do fuck off,” she laughs.

“You’re happy.” I sip my own drink, then use it to gesture between Amie and her family in the pool. She’s watching them with a tender smile; Cam is holding Maisy afloat on the water’s surface as she kicks her feet, sending cascades of droplets flying through the air. My best friend turns to me, a goofy smile still tugging at her lips.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Good. All I want is for you to be happy.”

“Are you happy, K?”

I consider her words for a moment before answering. I’m notnothappy. I have amazing friends. I have a job that pays enough to keep my house warm, dry, and full of coffee and books. I’m healthy. My parents are healthy. But as I glance over at Cam, peppering his daughter’s grinning face with kisses, and then at Amie, with her tender, love-filled eyes as she watches them…

I’m notnothappy. But I don’t know if I’mhappy, either.

“I will be,” I say. And I think of Jay.

Chapter eleven

Jay

Afewdaysafterher return from Mexico, I meet up with a mildly jet-lagged Katy at Flights and Fancies again. She opens her mouth for a wide yawn as the waitress deposits our food and drink on the table, and with a light giggle, she presses a hand to her mouth.

“Sorry,” she apologises. “I don’t know how Amie does it, I’m absolutely wrecked. Still.”

“Don’t apologise, Katy, it’s fine. It’s tough when you’re not used to it.” She smiles gratefully at me before returning to her phone, lying on the table between us. She swipes a finger across the screen, scrolling through photo after photo from her trip.

The pictures show fun in the pool, at a market, out in the city, the view from rooftop bars. There are photos of Maisy, photos of Amie—both alone and with her family—photos of Maisy and Amie with Katy, and of Amie and Katy in the tiniest, most indecent bikinis… I shift in my seat. The closer we get to warmer weather, the fewer layers Katy’s bundled up in, and the more her curves taunt me, tantalisingly close but forever out of reach.

“Looks like you had a good time,” I comment.Duh. You couldn’t have come up with something more interesting or poignant to say, Bevan? Or are we playing a game of stating the blindingly fucking obvious now?

“Yeah,” she smiles softly, a dreamy look in her eyes. “I did. It was really good.”

“Gonna tell me more?” I tease with a smile.Who am I?Despite not having seen Katy for the last few days, it’s been an okay week. My cuts and bruises are healing well, and I spent yesterday with my parents—and a little white lie about how I managed to get the black eye. But the pain has been tolerable, and the emotions have been more stable than they’ve been for a while. It feels like I’m turning a corner. I’m sure, soon enough, there’ll be two steps backwards again, but for now, I’m going to take what I can get.

“Oh! Yeah! So, this one—” Katy swipes rapidly to a picture of a marketplace with colourful flags hanging from the ceiling. “We went to this market. It was huge, it wassocool. All these handmade crafts. I could’ve gone broke in there.”

She swipes the screen again.

“Then for Amie’s birthday, we spent the morning at the pool. The hotel gave us all cupcakes to celebrate. It was so nice just to spend time with her, you know? Now she has Cam, and Maisy, and we’re both always working… I know I see her all the time but sometimes it feels like I never really get toseeher, you know?”

I know. I see people, but I don’t think Iseepeople. Except Katy. And she’s the only one who seems to see me. Dad avoids the hard stuff. Mum frets over it. Ruth babies me. But Katy? She sees me as I am. It’s refreshing, and entirely terrifying at the same time. I swallow around the hardness growing in my throat, nodding in agreement. Here come those backward steps. The walls are slowly closing in around me, and I don’t think I can speak.

She must see it in my face, because her hands leave her phone and reach for mine, gripping them tightly. Her fingers lace through mine, and her thumb brushes back and forth against my inner wrist.

“Where are you going, love? Stay with me.”

Her voice is soft, gentle—she’s always quietly-spoken, at least when I’m around. But there’s a firmness to her tone as she pulls our joined hands to the middle of the table between us. I nudge her phone with my arm as I’m pulled towards her. Her voice softens again as she murmurs soothingly, never releasing my hands from her grasp. Eventually, the tightness in my throat releases and my racing heart slows, returning to normal. I suck in a big breath, twisting my hands in Katy’s to squeeze her fingers.

“You’re okay.” She offers a heart-stopping smile as her shoulders drop with relief. “Do you want to talk about anything?”

I swallow hard, shaking my head.

“Okay,” she whispers. “Now, tell me more about that beer festival you mentioned.”

I laugh lightly, a weight lifted off my chest. Maybe it was only one step back this time. Maybe being tethered to Katy anchored me here, in the present.

“It’s not far—only an hour away by train. But it’s pretty big, and there’s loads of craft beers and ciders. It’s a good day out. We used to go all the time before we deployed because we could walk from the barracks. Didn’t even need to pour ourselves into a cab to get home.”

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