Page 138 of Shâhzâdeh

I was wrong.

From this glimpse into what had occurred, this wasn’t love. It was punishment. Like he was angry for the situation she had no control over and punished her in the only way he could without being a criminal. But emotional abuse was just as bad and the little I knew bordered on sexual assault.

I’d paced the floors of my office, fighting the urge to call someone from advice. I couldn’t be the head of my family and not be able to lead it, even if it was just the two of us, but I was blinded by my rage.

I was going to murder her ex-husband.

It was already on my agenda to perform but I’d gotten sidetracked having to clean up the mess my cousin Karman made in Texas. And then business had to be attended to, but now it was slowly creeping up even higher on my list. Number one was still ensuring that Vanya felt safe and secure within our union, but that fucker had to die.

Slowly.

I was unsure if the way he deserved to be tortured before he died had been invented yet. But if not, my brain was surely going to discover it and test my theory scientifically until it delivered the results that I wanted.

When she’d gone to lie back on the bed and just stared at the ceiling I was hoping she was just nervous. But my wife didn’t feel that she had the autonomy to be a full participant in our sex life and that pissed me off even more. She was a beautiful woman, and the way she responded to me made me proud especially with what I knew now. But I had to get her out of the idea that she couldn’t feel joy or have ownership of herself or her sexuality when we were together.

I sat at the large desk in the office of the primary wing trying to quell the anger that had only dimmed to a rolling boil. The room was covered in dappled sunlight as the day started to fade. It was close to dinnertime but I had no appetite. The walls of the office were a soft cream; the wood was kept blonde so that the entire space felt large and inviting. The bookcase flanked French doors opened up to the side lawn and just beyond them was a sitting area. Dom had created the television and phone system so they could be hooked up for video calls. None of it was on as I struggled to keep my thoughts focused.

The fear on Vanya’s face when she thought I would treat her the same way they had tore at me. I knew she understood I wasn’t like them, so why would she assume I would want to treat her with anything other than the highest respect in our bed than he had?

That question ate at me, at my soul, and I was unsure how to move forward.

Should I have left her?

I didn’t want her to feel the weight of my presence at a time that she was so vulnerable. But was that the right decision? Would staying with her have shown her that I was going to have her back no matter what? That abandoning her was something I would never do despite how heavy times got?

Those thoughts propelled me up from my seat and toward the door. I reached for the handle and jerked it open just as Vanya raised her hand to knock on it. Her fist crashed clumsily into my face, and she jerked her hand back as she gasped.

“Oh, no! I’m so sorry I wasn’t—” Her eyes were wide and I could see the discomfort she had that went beyond the contact she’d made with my face.

“Peace,eshgham. It was only an accident. Your fist is not hard enough to do damage to a head as hard as mine.” I kept my voice gentle because I could see that mentally, she was beating herself up for a simple mistake.

Vanya’s face softened from the panic that had filled it when she realized that she’d hit me and her body relaxed.

“I was coming to talk to you.” She was fidgeting with her hands but had no problem looking at me.

“As was I. I did not want you to feel as zhough I were not zhere to support how you were feeling. But I felt because I was unsure if my presence was comforting or intimidating. Honestly…”

The panic on her face returned and I put my hands on her arms out of habit.

“Honestly what? Did I do something wrong?”

“I need you to relax around me. Zhat is what I mean. I feel as zhough I cannot provide you wiz zhe peace zhat you should naturally feel wizin zhe confines of our homes. As a man, zhat type of void tears at my confidence. My greatest desire in my life is for my wife to have days filled wiz joy. If you lack in some area zhat means I am not doing my job, and I refuse to fail at being a good husband. I have desired to wear zhis title for you for far too long to not be successful at it. So please tell me how I may be better.”

Her eyes welled up at my confession and I pulled her to me. “It’s not you. It’s me who is failing.”

“No, zhat isn’t true.”

She tried to pull away but I wrapped her up and kissed the side of her hair, inhaling the scent of the body oil she’d used to hydrate it and her skin. “It is. It’s my hangups, my brain—”

“Even if that were the truz, I should still provide a place for your soul to find peace. Zhat even when your brain wants to tell you zhat you’re not enough it is too afraid to whisper zhose words because my presence puts the fear of God in them. I will be the man that will kill the voice zhat your past put inside of your head as the arbiter of your self worz. You are zhe one who determines what you are worthy of, not them. And every day I need to be a reminder of that, I will be.”

“I don’t deserve—”

I nodded profusely as I cut her off from saying something that would piss me off. “Anyzing less than the best. I agree,mon amour.”

Her smile was immediate, the sight of it warming me and letting me know not all for today was lost. “Xerxes,

“I will not allow you to anger me or disagree with me on this. I know my purpose in zhis life and it is to ensure zhat you are loved beyond your wildest dreams. Anyzing less zhan that is unacceptable.”

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