Page 111 of Shâhzâdeh

“Because I’m worried that there are parts ofthemthat will come out when I’m with them.” He kept me on his lap while we continued to talk. I had never embodied their hatred, but I never wanted to offend our friends with my ignorance.

“Zhem… of you mean zhe pieces of shit zhat raised you.”

“Yeah.” I laughed because I don’t even think he realized he’d cussed when he spoke but I wasn’t going to point it out to him.

“What about zheir ideas do you agree with?”

I felt defensive because I didn’t align with any of their views. “Nothing.”

“Zhen why do you zhink you’re going to say something zhat would offend my friends’ wives?”

“Because Frankie was the first Black friend I ever had. And she knows I have certain quirks zhat may have people look at me funny.”

“Quirks like what, Vanya? Zhere isn’t a feeling you have zhat I won’t try to help you wiz.”

“Well, I don’t like the n-word.”

He shrugged like my dislike wasn’t abnormal. “Nor do I in casual company. A lot of Black people don’t. It is a controversial term.”

Now I was confused because Xerxes was very proud about being a Black man. “But you don’t have a problem with your friends using it?”

“My feelings on zhe matter might differ from yours. Despite me very much having a Black mother and being raised wiz zhe Black experience, I know zhat I do not look like what I am. My understanding of zhe origin of zhe word as an insult and its reclamation by our community into somezing different. I love zhat. Because it symbolizes zhe life zhat we have always had in zhis country. Zhe resilience of making something better when people feel as zhough zhey are harming us.”

“So why don’t you use it?” I felt as though I were as dumb as they used to say I was because I kept asking so many questions.

He smiled patiently and I was glad he wasn’t annoyed because of how many questions I was asking.

“Because I would never want someone who doesn’t know me to zhink I’m being disrespectful to zhem. I have a short fuse, ziba. I would have to slit someone’s zhroat before I could explain my lineage. And if some non-Black person zhought zhey could use it around? Immediate deaz. So I avoid it mostly. Why do you just not like zhe word?”

“I think because it was bantered about in such a negative fashion when I was growing up it makes me cringe to hear it.”

“Bantered about? As in, zhey would say zhis to you?”

Since he had shared, I would as well. “To me, about me if I did something they didn’t like. My ex… when he was angry he would say it.”

“But he’s Black.”

My huff was sarcastic, and Xerxes’ hand was at my back, rubbing circles to comfort me. “He reminds me he’s less Black than I am. How he knows that is beyond me. I’m it’s some lie he tells himself because he feels as though his behavior and obedience brings him in closer proximity to whiteness. But yeah, hard -er and all.”

“I could not imagine not embracing being a Black man. Even my very half Persian half Arab father ensured I did not overlook any aspect of my heritages. He knows all too well about zhe Anti-blackness zhat can exist in Middle Eastern communities and he didn’t want me to assimilate to one extreme just to be accepted. He took me around Yacouba’s father so zhat zhe multi-racial people in zhis generation didn’t feel like zhey were outsiders. And you know Babette wasn’t about to play zhat.” We both chuckled because there was no way for him to be anything but Black with Babette as his mother. My heart faltered because I would’ve loved to have that type of self-assurance my entire life.

“I didn’t have that.”

He gave me a squeeze that “But you do now. How would you feel better about any of zhis? Is zhere anyzing I can do?”

“When I got divorced, I read a lot of books about Black liberation and Black heroes. I was homeschooled and wasn’t allowed to go into regular school like the boys.”

“Wait, what were you taught in homeschool? Some are very rigorous in zheir coursework. I had tutors because of how often I would travel.” He seemed intrigued about our mutual past connection but I worried he would be disappointed in my education.

“I was taught basics and things that would help me with household management. They didn’t want me to be more than a wife.”

“So zhis trad wife nonsense is somezing zhat bothers you.” We’d had a conversation about my desire to not cook but I never elaborated on the why. It was still so crazy to me that he’d just agreed with my not wanting to cook without pushback or negotiation.

“It’s triggering. Especially when I see it with interracial couples. Like the one Black lady making light of picking cotton. As though they enjoy what their ancestors had to survive. I don’t understand someone who has any connection to their Blackness could do that with a straight face. That’s why I’m worried. I know there is no one way to be Black, I just don’t want my way to be seen as terrible.”

“No one zhinks zhat way. Like you said, Blackness is not a monoliz. Zhere is no one way to be Black. Zhat is frankly a stereotype zhat is pervasive in white America. Zhat is where zhe ‘you don’t look Black, sound Black, etc etc’ comes from. Get out of that mindset and you shed zhe last of zheir ideals out of your psyche.”

I hated how I’d doubted him and questioned his being Black at our first meeting in my office. “I’m sorry I said—”

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