Page 42 of The Pursuit of Her Happiness

I don’t want to put all our eggs in one basket, but I’m hoping that today’s appointment yields something helpful. Her neurologist prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. I had to laugh when he told her about it. She stated she wasn’t anxious, claiming she was calm, cool, and collected. He and I shared a look before he asked her to humor him. She won’t admit it, but I think it’s helped. He also set up an appointment with a colleague, a neuro-ophthalmologist.

And that’s where we are heading right now. I guide Quinn to my cage, helping her in the front passenger seat. I hold her hand onthe drive as I navigate the 35-minute trip. She’s quiet, and it’s unnerving.

“I can’t believe Wilson is getting married next week. It’s crazy to think someone volunteered to spend a lifetime with him,” I joke, getting a hum in response. “Do you have any dress fittings this week?”

She clears her throat, her head turned to the door window. “Um…no. I had…I told Audrey to send my apologies, but I won’t be in the wedding or in attendance. I think it’s best—”

“Fucking coward,” I spit out. She can’t see me, but her head whips around in my direction with her lips curled back in a sneer.

“Excuse me?”

“I called you a coward.”

“Afuckingcoward,” she repeats, her voice laced with venom. I guess we’re doing this right now. I’ve bitten my tongue, I’ve let her figure shit out on her own, but this is the last straw.

“You’re blind. Not dead.”

“FUCK YOU!” she screams. I check the time and realize we have a little extra, so I pull over into the parking lot of a strip of businesses.

“Great. Keep it coming.”

“What?”

“That’s the first emotion I’ve seen or heard from you in almost two weeks.”

“Pardon me, I’ve got a bit going on right now.”

“We all do, princess, that’s life.”

“I can’t fucking see! I woke up one morning blind! My body is attacking itself and there’s nothing I can do about it!”

“You are just going to roll over and accept it? That’s not the woman I know, definitely not the woman I’ve fallen in love with. Life sucks right now, but we’re all here, rallying around you, wanting to figure shit out with you, but you have just given up! You can’t see…so that means you’ll never go to another school function for the boys? No competitions? The wedding of good friends? What’ll you do when Audrey is pregnant? You’re just going to abandon your best friend because of a disability? A disability, I might add, that millions of others deal with on a daily basis.”

She crosses her arms, leaning as far away from me as she can, tears falling down her flushed cheeks. “Sorry,I’m such a burden to you. If it’s so frustrating dealing with me, then just leave. No one is forcing you to stay.”

My jaw drops open at her response. Is she for real?

“Are you fucking serious right now?” There’s something in my tone that has her sitting up straight and dropping her arms to her lap. She appears contrite, but my girl ain’t backing down.

“Yeah, I am. I don’t need you. You want to leave? Go. Find someone else. Someone easier. Someone who isn’t…isn’t…broken.” For fuck’s sake. I unbuckle my seatbelt, jump out of the cage, and round to her side. Pulling open her door, I lean in, unbuckle her, and drag her out and into my arms. She wraps her arms around me so tight, I can’t breathe, and I don’t fucking care. My stomach knots itself, listening to her guttural sobs, feeling her body tremble in my arms.

“You aren’t broken.” I murmur near her ear. I press a kiss to the shell, clutching her closer. “You are so fucking strong, baby.”

“I’m not! I’m weak and stupid and a coward.”

I take my life into my own hands as I tell her, “Not weak. Not stupid. But, yes, you’ve been a coward.”

She snorts, her face buried against my chest, “Please, don’t sugarcoat anything.”

“I never will. You and I are honest, open, raw.”

“I’m not.” Quinn shakes her head back and forth. “I don’t know how to let you in. Every time I do…people leave. They…leave me. And with the MS and now the loss of my sight, there’s more reason than ever for you to leave. And I won’t…God, I hate this. If I let you in, I won’t survive if you leave. I don’t want to be strong and competent and in charge all the time. But I’vealwayshad to be. My parents, my husband, my kids, work, friends…I woke up in darkness and I’ve slinked deeper into it every day. But the bitch of it is, you’re already in. Embedded deep and there’s no hope I could ever carve you out. And that is fucking terrifying!”

That’s a lot. I don’t know where I should start. And the side of the road is probably not the best place to hash this out. “Who do you trust the most? Can’t be me or Joe.”

She leans back to look at me, though she can’t see anything. “Adams,” she answers confidently.

“He’d be pleased to know that, so I won’t tell him.” She chuckles at my gruff response. “Has Adams warned you to be careful around me? Spoken a single word against me?”

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