Page 77 of Unmade

He hummed. “Yeah, maybe.” He cleared his throat. “I’d like to think my principles are strong. It’s not like I fantasize about killing and making enemies pay—it’s that adrenaline rush. For years, I’ve craved something to make me feel alive, and after what happened with Nassim…”

I got it. He feared he’d crave more each time.

“In that case, I’m not worried,” I said. “Our field is full of adrenaline rushes. It’s not all about killing. Trust me, you’ll get that rush when you’re closing in on a target too. When you’re in the middle of an extraction, when you’re running through the rainforest, when you finally get your hands on the intel you’ve been chasing for two months, and when you get briefed for your next assignments.”

A pinch of hope sparked in his eyes. “You think so?”

“I know so.” I planted my arm along the top of the back cushion. “That said, you can’t keep chasing rushes to feel alive.”

He frowned. “What choice do I have? It’s not like I wanna feel like a zombie.”

When was he gonna get it?

I leaned forward a bit. “Stop. Fucking. Settling.” I made him flinch with that one. “I understand you don’t wanna get rejected, but if you don’t start going after things you want, you won’t have any reason to feel alive anyway.”

He clenched his jaw and looked away from me.

“Didn’t you do a history report on the British SAS the other week?” I pressed. “What’s their motto?”

He threw me a scowl.

“Say it,” I demanded.

He huffed and folded his arms over his chest. “‘Who dares wins,’” he muttered.

“That’s right. So suck it the fuck up and reach out to the Quinns,” I told him. “Dosomethingthat scares you. Take a risk. Otherwise…I can tell you what your life’s gonna look like. You’ll go all in at Hillcroft. You’ll become a good operator here. Assignment after assignment, you’ll chase a hit of what life could be like. You’ll have friends here—good friends—but you’ll never have anyone to come home to. You won’t have any family aside from your aunt. You’ll always be missing something.”

At least I had tried the relationship schtick. It just wasn’t for me. I wasn’t a good partner. But I had family and, recent bitch fights with my sister aside, we were close. I had Alex too. I’d spend the rest of my life trying not to fuck her up.

I should probably learn all my nephews’ names, though. Or rather, know which one was which, ’cause I knew the names. If I hollered, one of them came running.

“Can I start small and build up to it?” he asked, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I haven’t felt close enough to someone to get a simple hug in over six years. The possibility of being embraced—or rejected—by an entire family will literally send me into full-blown panic.”

Six years without a fucking hug? Jesus Christ, he couldn’t say that shit to me. That was when the old Leighton, theyoungerLeighton, came forward in my mind. The lost teenager who’d told me his mom was dead and that he’d enlisted. The one who thanked me for even talking to him.

It was a kick in the gut, that’s what it was.

I remembered one time when Danny and I had gotten to talking over a few beers, how he and Emerson had met. Danny had been lost and angry too, and Em had force-hugged him into submission. I’d laughed when Danny had said it, and he’d chuckled his way through the story, but it must’ve made a huge impact.

How many lines would I cross if I hugged Leighton? Would he find me ridiculous for offering?

Did I give a shit?

Fuck it.

I got off the couch. “C’mere. We can start with a baby step right now.” I walked past him and stopped in the middle of the floor. “Pretend I’m someone important, and we’ll hug it out properly.”

He snorted. “This isn’t a joke to me, sir.”

“I’m not kidding.” I put my hands low on my hips and waited for him. “If you really don’t want to, I won’t force you—but don’t turn me down because you think I’m taking it lightly. Affection is important, even to two psychos like you and me.”

He grinned quickly, just for a fraction of a second, before he shook his head. “Have you ever been turned down?”

Oh, the flattery. “Sure. You wanna pretend I’m a date or something?”

That made him scrunch his nose. “I’ve been on dates. I never hugged any of them.”

Uh, all right. “I’m a dying friend, then.”

---