Page 24 of What I've Tasted of Desire

Oh my god, just saying his name out loudto himwas sending bolts of electricity through my nervous system. I already had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to take him for dinner, but the last thing I wanted to do was anything hedidn’t.So, I figured the best thing to do was to ask him. Communication was, after all, the most important ingredient in a strong and healthy relationship. Might as well start now.

Alex shrugged, and bashfully turned his face away to look out the window. “I’m not s-s-sure.”

He was the most beautiful thing that had ever lived, and I found myself yearning to worship his creator.

“I thought maybe we could get something to eat if you are feeling hungry? There’s a great steakhouse on the north end of the city. I thought it would be nice to go there, but I don’t like to assume that you will enjoy something just because I like it.”

Alex opened his mouth to speak, “I…”

Fuck, he hates the idea. Stupid…

“I mean, if you are hungry, we don’t have to get steak! We can get whatever. I like Chinese, too. Or anything, really…”

STOP TALKING!

“...Shit, I just cut you off, didn’t I? I feel like I’m already blowing it. To be completely honest…”

Please don’t be completely honest. Just stop speaking, you weak ass little bitch.

“I’m very nervous. It’s been a while since I went out with a really cute guy.”

Yeah, so far back that it happened in your past life… you fucking dildo.

Alex glanced over at me, giggled (giggled! Kill me now), and said, “I like steak.”

I felt like my throat was closing up as I pulled the car out onto the inky-black pavement. We drove in an awkward silence for a few minutes. Alex had his gaze straight out in front of him, and I cursed the streetlights being out. It was hard to see him in just the soft glow of the dashboard lights.

Say something…

I cleared my throat and tried to swallow the lump that had formed there. “How long have you been in Emberford?”

“A-a-all my l-l-life.”

“I wasn’t born here, but I’ve been here for years. Gotta love the city life, right?”

Gotta love the city life? What the fuck are you, a real estate agent?

“H-how long have y-you been a f-f-ireman?”

Three years is what we decided…

We chatted conversationally, getting to know each other as I drove us to the restaurant. I told him the backstory I’d rehearsed no less than a thousand times. I hated lying to him, but I wanted him to feel safe and secure. My real backstory was traumatic, and I didn’t want anything to be triggering for him, having grown up the way he had. My biography sucked, but his was far worse.

We talked about how my parents had owned a horse ranch up in Montana, and how I’d always been a country boy at heart. That part was true.

I joked and did a terrible impression of a yeehaw accent, making Alex laugh and cover his mouth with his hand. I wanted to record the sound and make it my ringtone.

I already hated myself for my next question, but it would have been suspicious for me to have not asked, given the subject of our conversation.

“What about your parents? Got a good relationship?”

The guilt of asking turned my stomach and I gripped the steering wheel a bit tighter, knowing Alex had now been put in the position of having to explain the unfortunate events of his childhood.

He answered easily, telling me he was an orphan and had aged out of the foster care system. We chatted some more, and, before I knew it, we had arrived. The parking lot was a madhouse, but we managed to snag a spot. I offered my arm to Alex as we got out of the car, and he took it!

I held the door open for him, and followed him into the crowded restaurant lobby. Not being able to stand the fact that I was no longer touching him, I couldn’t stop myself from placing my hand on the small of his back as he passed.

You’re getting awfully handsy…

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