Page 33 of Silver Fox's Twin Surprise

I visited Mrs. Whitaker, a patient who saw a different doctor, but his vacation conflicted with her recovery. I volunteered to check up on her, and she was doing fine. Then I checked on Mr. Fischer who had a hernia surgery done in an emergency situation. I felt a bit useless at times since I was refraining from snagging surgeries, but I knew until my specialist and I got a follow-up, it would be difficult for me to hide the tremors. I made do by helping others, and right now, I was flying under the hospital board’s radar.

When the patient visits were up, I checked the time and realized I only had a few minutes left until my checkup. Dr. Ballard and I had scheduled a video conference for this evening, and I was anxious to update him on the status of my tremors. I turned toward my office and made sure to lock the door when I stepped through the door. This appointment was crucial to helping me maintain my confidence.

I logged on to my computer and waited. About three minutes until I was scheduled to join the teleconference, I got an emailwith the link. I ran a hand through my hair and clicked the link, and my computer joined the session. Dr. Ballard's face appeared on my screen, and I turned the volume down to make sure no one outside my office could hear.

"Dr. Hastings, how are you doing today?" Dr. Ballard smiled at me, but I was too nervous to smile back.

"I, uh… I'm doing alright. You?" My hand shook a little, and I tucked it under the desk and clasped it together with my other hand.

"I'm well, thank you. I have all the results back from your imaging and blood work, and I'm not surprised to have to tell you there isn't anything conclusive here. How have you been feeling?" His words didn't surprise me, either. Despite wishing there would have been some easy diagnosis for this and a quick, easy treatment—no matter how painful—my gut told me this would be the case.

"I'm doing okay. A little stressed at times, and worried, but I'm in good health." That was a total lie, but what was I supposed to say to the man? The words "little" and "stress" didn't belong in the same sentence.

"Good, I'm glad to hear that. What about the tremors? Are the beta blockers working?" He raised his eyebrows expectantly, but I had no good news for him. It was soul crushing to admit it, but the most basic treatments weren't working.

"My tremors haven't gotten any better. I hate to say it, but the stress level is affecting me. I drank for a little while, but I realized that wasn’t good and I stopped. The tremors are a little worse now, and I'm not happy about it." Being honest about this was my only option. He couldn’t help me if I lived in denial. He wasa specialist who saw this all the time and treated it. If anyone could help, it was him.

He frowned at me and nodded as if accepting his own defeat with the initial treatment option. "Well, we can try another beta blocker, but in my experience if one doesn't work, none do." He sighed and looked back down at whatever it was in his hand, then back at me. "We have a few options, but they're not great. They'll take you out of the game for a while."

That was exactly what I didn’t want to hear. Between the trip with Rose and the time I'd been off due to freaking out and calling in sick, I had no more paid time off to use up. I had to save a few days for around the holidays and even then, I'd be pushing it. But I wanted to know his options.

"What are they?"

"Well, we can do some deep brain stimulation, but it will take a while to recover from that. Or there is a new treatment with Botox, but it's not promising yet." He rubbed his face and looked thoughtful. "But let’s try these new beta blocker and see what they do. I'd like you to try a yoga class or some sort of stress relief. It will definitely help you if you're less stressed."

Hearing him tell me I had to decrease my stress felt like a death sentence to my career. I was living through the most stressful thing of my life. Even losing Kate hadn’t felt like this. Sure, some of the pressure was off after learning Rose knew about the lawsuit now, but the lawsuit was still looming. I couldn't just wave my hand and make it go away. Not to mention how stressed I was over these hand tremors to begin with.

"Sure, new beta blockers," I told him, and I knew the other treatment options weren't even options. I couldn't have deepbrain stimulation without burning through two more weeks of paid time off, which I didn't have. And Botox was so new, I didn't trust it. I didn't want someone shooting Botox into my brain.

"Alright. I'll call in a scrip to your pharmacy, and you take some time to relax. Let's schedule a follow-up in four weeks, shall we?" He smiled again, and this time, I couldn't even offer a calm expression. I just nodded.

"Yeah, thanks, Doc." I waited for him to disconnect the call, and then I turned off my computer. It wasn’t at all the news I wanted to hear, though I wasn't sure that I even expected anything different.

My life really did attract all sorts of negative garbage, and Rose was such a gem for being a part of it. I just hoped the negative things didn't scare her away. I had a feeling I was going to a dark place again, and I knew how it affected her last time.

26

ROSE

Istood over Cole's stove stirring the pot of spaghetti sauce while he stood by the window in his front room staring out at the storm. It was dark, almost like nighttime despite being mid-afternoon, and thunder shook the entire house. I felt like it matched Cole's mood today—like his mood every day for weeks.

We'd made things right weeks ago, but he was still the same grumpy, brooding guy who pushed me away, except now I knew why. I felt sad for him, and more than anything, I wanted to make things right for him, but I couldn't. I knew the lawsuit had to run its course and right now, the lawyers were in discussions on ways to mitigate the damage to Cole's career. I secretly prayed it would go away, but I knew that was a long shot.

"Dinner's almost ready," I called, hoping my cooking would put him in a better mood. We spent a few evenings a week together, but he was always so down, we didn't do much but sit on his couch and watch TV. In fact, I even tried to get him interested in sex those first few days, but he just told me he wasn't in the mood. I'd have thought he was cheating if I didn’t know better.

This whole thing sucked. I was okay without having sex, and frankly, now it was a good thing he didn't want to do it. I was starting to show. The twins were making my belly grow at twice the rate of a normal pregnancy, and I already had to wear really baggy shirts to mask the bump I was getting. I noticed the changes to my body, but thankfully, Cole hadn’t.

"Alright," he said in a grumble, then he moved away from the window and joined me at the table. I set the pasta sauce next to the bowl of pasta. I set the table earlier and poured myself a glass of juice. Cole had a glass of Scotch. It was his go-to drink now. For a while, he wasn't drinking, but lately, it felt like he always had a drink in his hand when I was over. It was no wonder he didn't notice that I was gaining weight or changing shape. He was always half-tipsy.

"Thank you for letting me cook for you," I told him as I served some spaghetti onto his plate. His eyes traced my movement, and he nodded, giving a curt smile.

"Thank you for taking care of me. I really don't deserve you." He caught my hand and brought it to his lips, and I saw the sadness in his eyes. I changed the subject thinking maybe it was what he needed, for me to distract him.

"So, it's really raining outside tonight." I smiled as a clap of thunder again shook the house, but my topic of choice seemed to be the wrong one. He scowled and plunged his fork into his pasta, twirling a bite on his fork. I winced and looked down at my own empty plate and decided I should eat something too.

I served myself some spaghetti and felt sad. So many times, I wanted to tell Cole about the babies and hope it would cheer him up, but so many times, I stopped myself. If there was even the slightest chance that he would think it was stressful or negative,if he didn't want to be a father or he would be upset with me, I knew I couldn’t say it. So I sat paralyzed most of the time, worrying about my own future while he was worrying about his.

"I, uh… I heard from Kiki that the hospital is adding a new cancer research wing…" At this point, I would have talked about Donald Duck just to snap him out of it and help him feel better, but he just grunted and shrugged at everything I had to say.

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