Page 9 of Silver Fox's Secret Baby

"Well, come inside. The gang will be thrilled to see you." She grabbed my wrist and pulled me away from my car before I could grab my purse. I did manage to lock the car, though, so that was good. She gabbed about how things had changed around St.Anne's the whole walk to the door, but the pub hadn't changed a bit.

The old bartender was still the wrinkly, bald guy we knew and loved. The music blasting from the speakers was still oldies from the seventies, eighties, and nineties, and I spotted three regulars in their normal spots. It felt like home. I smiled at the warm, nostalgic feeling and followed Tina to the bar.

"I'm gonna go use the ladies’ room. Get me a margarita," she called over her shoulder. The bartender heard her order and nodded at me, and I raised two fingers to indicate I'd like one too. He smiled a familiar smile like he recognized me, and it only made me feel more at home.

Until Ethan plopped onto the empty stool next to me and his thigh brushed against mine. He smelled good, a new cologne for him. Or maybe it wasn't new and I just hadn't been around long enough to know he'd changed to this one. My heart squeezed. I missed him. I missed his smile and his warmth. But the pain of knowing how abruptly he had dismissed our relationship and called it a mistake never left me. It hovered over me like a dark cloud.

"I'm really glad you came tonight." Even the sound of his voice was both comforting and painful. Emotions I buried years ago began to surface, and most of them weren't good ones. I had never dealt with the anger and pain from that day. I just shoved it into a box in the closet of my mind to remain locked up. But he disarmed me, unlocked the closet, and pulled out my box without permission.

"I, uh…" No words would come. At least not words he wanted to hear. All I could think about was the deathblow he'd struck to our relationship and my heart. I was not a mistake then, and I refused to be his mistake again. But I wanted to melt into him and ask a million questions why I wasn't good enough back then.

"You went to Princeton for your residency?" he asked, then he nodded at the bartender, who set two margaritas in front of me.

"Yeah, it just sort of happened." I was slowly starting to calm down. As long as he didn't bring up St. Anne's or what happened there, I would be good.

"I heard they have a great program, and I heard the city is beautiful." Ethan slid one of the margaritas toward me, and I hugged it with both palms. I didn't even know how I'd pay for it since my purse was in the car, but I picked it up and took a big gulp, anyway.

"Yes, it was good. Uh, they have nice parks too." I'd spent the majority of my time in Princeton working, but when I was off, I was with Noah. We spent a lot of time outdoors from March to October, and then we were hibernating or he was with my parents here in Denver the rest of the time. I didn't miss those days at all.

"So you chose pediatrics? I thought you were on a surgical track." Ethan accepted a beer from the bartender who clearly had taken his order previously. It probably wasn't his first drink, either. I never had the luxury of picking up a drinking habit with a toddler to raise, but Ethan always enjoyed a few drinks after work.

"Yes, well, I had my reasons." One of them being my very sick child who was born with a congenital defect. It made me see the scary side of parenting and I wanted to help other parents not feel the way I did when I got ushered through the system. Thankfully, I was a resident doctor so I knew a lot more than most parents, but it never made the worry any easier. Probably made it worse because I knew just how real the risks were.

"I'm sure…" He paused and sipped his beer, then continued. "St. Anne's got to be too much for me. I transferred here almostfour years ago now. I can't believe it's been that long. They offered me the head of diagnostics, and I took it."

Hearing that he was moving up in his career made me happy for him. I knew he never wanted to stay stagnant, going nowhere. I was proud of him for chasing his dreams the way I had. But at the same time, I was drowning in shame and guilt. This man who shot for the stars was achieving everything he wanted, but I knew one of the things he wanted was a family—children. And he had a child. He just didn’t know about it.

"Back in the saddle already, Doc?" Tina's cheerful voice interrupted my thoughts just as I was about to excuse myself and run away. She pressed a chaste kiss to Ethan's cheek as she leaned between us to get her drink. "Don't let the admins see you over here cozying up." Her snicker as she walked away with her drink in hand only made me want to run away more.

"People talked about us?" I hissed, then I picked up my drink and downed it and set the glass down. Without another word, I walked back toward the door and didn't even stop to think about the tab. I stepped into the cool night air where I could breathe more easily and walked across the street without looking.

"Lily!" Ethan called, but I marched toward my car, ignoring him.

He caught up to me as I grabbed the handle and I froze when his hand covered mine. His body splayed along the backside of mine as another car whooshed past and pinned me against my vehicle. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't comfortable either.

I turned and faced him, and his chest pressed against mine for a second before he inched backward. "I'm sorry." His eyes searched mine, but the only thing they would find would be fear that he would kiss me or shame that I had a huge secret that would hurt him desperately. "Please, talk to me."

"We have nothing to talk about, Ethan. We are two adults with separate lives. We have great careers and we're happy with our families."

"I'm not happy," he blurted out. "Mom and Dad are getting older. Mom lives with me. Dad's in a home. I'm lonely, and I miss you, and I need you to understand that I know how badly I fucked things up. You were right. I should have fought for what we had and I was afraid." His hand cupped my cheek, and my body warmed under his touch.

The apology was too little, too late. His actions had set into motion a cataclysmic journey I could never undo. I ran away from him thinking my baby—our baby—was nothing more than a mistake to him. I lied and hid it, and now Noah was four years old and it was too late to come clean and hope he forgave me. Even if I could look past his failure, mine was too grievous to even speak of.

"Ethan…" I sighed. I turned my head away, preventing him from seeing into my eyes to know my shame. If he wanted to kiss me, he was out of luck. That honor was reserved for someone I could trust, someone who would see my heart and know I hadn't hidden things on purpose but out of necessity for my heart.

"Lily." Ethan used his thumb to turn my face back toward his. It rested in the center of my chin before brushing over my lips. "I never meant to hurt you. I've spent the past nearly five years trying to become a better man. I failed you. I'm so sorry I did. I love you and I always have. I don't think I'll ever stop."

Tears welled up in my eyes at his heartfelt apology, and I wanted nothing more than to cling to him and sob. I hadn’t even thought of dating another person since him. Not because I couldn't but because Noah consumed my life. But even if I had, I didn’t think I’d have been able to do it. Like him, I was still tangled up in my feelings. No one would ever be to me what Ethan had been.

"I can't."

"Just say you forgive me, and that's enough. You don't have to come rushing back to me. We can take our time getting reacquainted. We can be friends. But my heart is killing me. Knowing you're back is torture, and it's been all of one hour." His brows furrowed. I could see how much pain he was in. I felt it too, but differently. Mine wasn't just an ache for the familiarity of our love, but shame and heartbreak were compounding it.

"I don't know what I feel."

"Have dinner with me." He leaned into me, and I wanted to cave in.

"Ethan, hospital policy. We can't do that again." My cheeks burned, and I looked away again, licking my lips.

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