Page 32 of Silver Fox's Secret Baby

"Anytime, Son."

I left feeling a little better about things, but still heartbroken. Dad was right. I was going to let her down as many times as she let me down, and the choice about how I reacted to those heartbreaks was mine to make. I got to decide how I handled this. My emotions didn’t.

I wanted to do it right because even though there was hurt there, I still loved her. I still wanted her.

23

LILY

Iwas still dozing when they rolled Noah's bed back into the room. Mom and Dad sat in the corner in two chairs the nursing staff had brought in, and I sat up with the ruckus. Rubbing my eyes, I stood and walked over to Noah's bed. He looked so helpless and fragile. His body was draped in a gown, though it wasn't tied onto him, and he was covered in blankets to the waist.

"How did he do?" I asked just as Dr. Adams walked into the room. I didn't expect Ethan to come in because he hadn't come before surgery to say anything to me. It took the average amount of time, which I assumed meant no complications.

"He did just fine. He's under light sedation right now, but the general anesthesia is worn off." Dr. Adams wasn't wearing his mask or bonnet, but he still had on his surgical scrubs. "Things were pretty routine. He'll be on pain meds and antibiotics. You know the drill. But I say he will wake up tomorrow feeling hungry. We'll keep him on a soft foods diet for a few days to make sure his intestines are in the right spots and nothing gets backed up."

I breathed a sigh of relief and looked up at his blood pressure reading on the machine mounted to the pole on his bed. It wasalmost normal, and following surgery like that, it was a good sign.

"Thank you, Dr. Adams." I sighed. "Dr. Matthews didn't want to come speak to me?" The tiny shred of hope I held inside my heart was hanging on by a thread.

"He was exhausted after the surgery and asked me to come speak with you. He worked all day today, so he went home to rest. If you need anything, I'll be on call all night. I'll be here in the hospital, but I'm going to rest. The nurses will keep a close eye on Noah for us, though. You should try to rest too. Do you need anything?" Dr. Adams looked at me and then my parents. I shook my head and sat on the edge of Noah's bed and took his hand.

I didn't even pay attention to when he left or when the nurses let us have the room to ourselves. I felt numb and empty inside. The weight of everything that had happened left me feeling off-kilter and hollow. I wanted more than anything to be able to say something to Ethan to make him understand what I went through, why I had done what I had done. But no words would ever be able to explain the secrecy or why I ran away.

This little boy lying in this big bed was all I had now, and part of me even feared I wouldn’t have him much longer. Ethan was wealthy beyond belief. Not only did he have a huge, cushy salary, but he'd been born to money. I came from humble beginnings and at times so far in my life, I had struggled to make ends meet. This job was a step in the right direction, but I was nowhere near where I could be yet.

If Ethan threw his weight—or money—around, I would be looking at a custody lawsuit I wouldn’t be able to afford to fight. Not to mention the courts would frown on my keeping Noah a secret for so long, especially with his condition. And Ethan was able to provide much better care for him too, though it wouldn'tbe me. Now I had a whole host of fears I hadn’t had before. Ones I didn't know how to combat alone.

"He looks so little," Mom said, and I felt her hand resting on my back.

"He does." I wanted to cry. I wanted my eyes to open up and drench me with tears that would wash away every emotion I had and make me feel better. But no tears would come. I had cried so much already, I felt like my body was dried up. I was a feather adrift in a desert, waiting to be caught on a rock and wither.

"Do you want me to get you a glass of water?" she asked, but I didn't want water. I wanted Ethan. I wanted the flicker of intimacy we had regained because I felt so hopeless and lost. I wanted him to yell at me and scream and be mad, and then I could beg forgiveness and this whole thing would go away and we could be a family. I wanted what he promised me before he learned what a horrible person I was.

"No, but I do want my phone." My eyes stayed fixed on Noah’s face, watching him sleep. It wasn't losing Ethan that hurt me. It was the not knowing. How was he feeling? What was his response? Where was he? What was he thinking? Why hadn't he come back and reacted?

Dad handed me my phone which was almost dead. I dialed Ethan's number and held the phone to my ear, but it went straight to voicemail which wasn't encouraging at all. It was late. I should have just assumed that Dr. Adams was telling the truth, but Ethan had just gotten the shock of his life. How could he go home and just fall asleep? I knew that wasn't what happened. He was somewhere stewing on this, and I felt so nervous about what he would say when he finally surfaced.

"Lily, you need to rest." Dad gently pried the phone from my hand and turned it off, then laid it on the table next to Noah's bed. "You are no good for Noah if you're sitting up worryingabout things you can't control. It's difficult, yes, but your first priority is to be a mother, not to worry about other things."

My gut tied into knots, and I wanted to whimper, but I couldn't even do that. I was a shell of a human being. I couldn't do anything but stare into space and listen to the thrum of my blood rushing past my eardrum.

"Dad's right, baby." Mom pulled my arm and tried to force me off Noah's bed, but I was frozen in place. "You should rest."

"What if he sues for custody?" I asked blankly as I stared at Noah. He hadn't known anyone in his entire life except me and my parents. He barely allowed me to leave him with Kate when she wanted a "fun aunt day." Noah was sensitive and anxious a lot of the time because of his medical traumas, and if Ethan tried to take him, it would cause a huge upset for him.

"Dr. Matthews isn't going to do that to you or his son." Dad was only trying to help, but his bold confidence wasn't based on actual knowledge. He didn't know that at all. And while my heart told me Dad was right, I had been away so long, I didn’t even know Ethan as well anymore. He could have changed, or if he hadn't changed that much since we were together, it didn't mean the trauma of learning my secret hadn't changed him.

"Please, let me go," I told Mom, and she loosed my arm.

"At least sit in a chair so you give Noah space to rest." Mom backed away, and when she returned, she had a chair which she planted by the bed. I slid off the mattress into the seat and kept hold of my son's hand.

"We're going to go home and get some rest. We'll come back first thing in the morning. Mom and I aren't young enough to stay up all night the way we used to." Dad's calm tone came with a kiss to the crown of my head and a squeeze to my hand.

"I'll see you in the morning." I didn't even turn to say goodbye. But the moment they were gone, I did pick up my phone and turn it back on.

The door swished shut, and I was already dialing Amber's number. I knew she worked third shift in the diagnostics department. We weren’t super close like we used to be, but she reported directly to Ethan. If she had seen him, she would tell me.

"Lily?" she said when she answered. It was late, and I wasn't surprised to hear the shock in her tone.

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