Page 26 of Silver Fox's Secret Baby

"Uh, Dr. Butler," I mumbled. I was thankful Noah was so sleepy and out of it. It was better for him this way. If he were awake, he would be scared and panicking and making things worse. This way, he was at least able to sleep through the scariest parts of triage. I clung to the side of his bed and Mom and Dad hovered at the foot.

"Alright, well Dr. Butler doesn't have privileges at this hospital, Lily." Amy's tone was cautionary and concerned, but it was her job to make sure we got the best care. "We can call and inform him that his patient is here and ask for advice on what he prefers, but our team will have to be the one treating your little guy."

Amy never knew I had a son. This was all news to her, but like the professional she was, she took it in stride. She zipped around the tiny space following procedure as another nurse I didn’t know walked in to help. I didn't even respond because I knew all of that was true when I made the decision to bring Noah here instead of Mountain View. I watched them get his IV line in and check his blood pressure. He never even roused once because they were so gentle.

"Can I speak to you out here?" she asked and nodded beyond the curtain.

I didn't want to leave his side, but he was hooked up to all the monitors now and Mom and Dad were with him. So I followed her beyond the curtain into the main emergency corridor. Shetook a clipboard with some papers clipped to it and a pen from another nurse and handed it to me.

"Here are some consent forms. You know the drill. You need to sign off so we can call in the specialist if needed…" She looked concerned as I scrawled my name on all the forms without even reading them. I knew the drill and I consented to anything they had to do. "Lily, why bring him here when you work at Mountain View? You know their pediatrics department is bigger. And that's where Dr. Butler has privileges."

I handed the clipboard back to her and shook my head. My shame was my own, and I didn’t want it to be public. I couldn't tell her I was hiding from Ethan. Besides, I had every confidence in the staff at St. Anne's. I worked with them. I trusted they could do the job well and help me keep my secret a little while longer.

"I just felt like this was home…" My only regret was that I would pay more coming to St. Anne's since things were in-network at Mountain View. But both hospitals were equipped to help and this one afforded me the privacy.

"Alright, but what am I supposed to say to Dr. Butler? He's going to ask me this, you know." She took the paperwork and tucked it under her arm, but before I could respond, someone across the emergency department coded. The alarms and bells went off, and all available staff hurried that way. She frowned and walked away, and I stood there staring as they tore back the curtain.

"Male, sixty-eight years old, cardiac infarction…" One of the nurses was barking out orders, and the ER docs swarmed the scene.

I covered my mouth and felt tears welling up. Noah lay on that bed with his own body frail and weak. If his blood pressure wasn't controlled soon, he could have his own heart attack. It was a risk factor of this condition, and hearing some otherpatient coding only made me feel terrified that it would happen to him.

I whipped the curtain back and rushed to his side. The other nurse was just placing his pulse oximeter and I almost ran into her. I clung to him, crying softly, and wanted to climb into his bed and curl up around him while he slept. Mom and Dad hugged each other and talked softly, and I felt completely alone. I didn't want to do this alone anymore.

Suddenly, I realized how stupid I had been for keeping Ethan away from Noah, even now. I wanted Ethan here. Mom and Dad were a slight comfort, but there was something missing. Something intimate that a woman doesn’t share with her parents. The vulnerability of letting my guard down and having the strength of a man who is in control and able to help make decisions was something I craved. I wanted Ethan here with me to help me through this.

I sat on the side of Noah's bed and brushed a few strands of hair off his forehead. He looked so much like me that even if Ethan saw him, he might only put the pieces together if he did the math. Even then, he might be convinced that I'd had a one-night stand with someone days after I left Denver, or that Noah was premature. He was small for his age. I could have hidden Noah's true parentage from Ethan a while longer and gotten his expertise when it came to the surgery.

But I had been stubborn and afraid. Mom and Dad, even Amy, challenged my decision to bring Noah here because they knew what I had been uncomfortable admitting. Mountain View was the place Noah should have been. Ethan was the one he should have been seeing. Ethan's expertise was in thoracic surgery, though he was now head of diagnostics. He would have been scrubbing in to help Noah already, and I made a choice based on emotion.

It didn’t mean St. Anne's couldn’t help. I still stood by that. Fixing a hernia was such a common surgery, I knew there were a few good surgeons here who could do it. I tried to reassure myself that everything would be okay, but the nagging fear that I was a bad mother for making this choice ate away at my confidence.

When my phone inside my pocket vibrated, I looked at it. Ethan was trying to call me. I sent it straight to voicemail, but before I got it in my pocket again, it was ringing. Frustrated, I started to ignore it again, thinking Ethan had called right back, but I noticed the caller ID was Dr. Butler, not Ethan.

I wasn't ready for his lecture, but I had to answer. "Hello? This is Lily Carter."

"Dr. Carter, this is Dr. Butler. I just got a call from St. Anne’s Hospital. Can you confirm that your son Noah is a patient there currently?" His tone was calm, which I appreciated. He wasn't one of those types of doctors who thought they were God and could boss patients around.

"Uh, yes. I confirm that. We're in the emergency department. He's had a spike in blood pressure and a decrease in respirations. He's slightly hypoxic." I chewed my lip nervously and watched Noah scrunch his nose. He was dreaming. I prayed it wasn't a bad dream.

"Can I ask you why you decided to take Noah to St. Anne's instead of Mountain View? You know we have the best specialists in the state here." I was already doubting my choice and I felt ashamed of it. I didn't like his question, but he deserved a valid answer.

"I, uh… It was just a matter of personal choice. I know these doctors well and…" It didn't matter how well I knew the staff at St. Anne's or why my ego had gotten in the way. Dr. Butler was going to convince me to take Noah to Mountain View.

"Lily, I am going to request a transfer order. You know the team at Mountain View is the right choice. Is Noah stable right now?"

Dr. Butler was so nice and caring, and I was feeling distraught. What I needed wasn't a strong hand to guide me, though he was being that for me right now. What I needed was the man I was clearly in love with to be my pillar of strength, and I couldn’t do that if I continued to keep up the charade that I'd been putting on for years.

"Yes, he's stable." My voice shook as I spoke. Bringing Noah to St. Anne's had wasted time, but at least from this point, he would be surrounded by the medical experts he needed and the technology to help him if complications arose.

"Will you let me send the transfer orders?" he asked, and I sniffled.

All the fight within me was gone. It was inevitable. We were going to end up at Mountain View, and my secret would be exposed, and after carrying this guilt for so long, it almost felt like I was relieved to have it so close to being over with.

"Alright…" I conceded. In the face of the fears I was facing, I knew it was better to admit my poor choice and be willing to humble myself than to continue lying and hope I didn't get caught. "I'll sign the orders when they come through. I just need Noah to be in the hospital and have this surgery now. I know you wanted his vitals under better control, but we can't wait any longer."

"No problem. I'll call the best thoracic surgeon we have at the View and we'll have things set up for as soon as he's cleared through pre-op." Dr. Butler hung up before I could say another word, and I sniffled again.

It would be better if Ethan heard it from me that we had a son, that I'd hidden things from him. I knew him. He wouldn't be upset at all that I never told him I had a son. His anger orhurt and betrayal would come when he learned the child was his. When that happened, all bets were off as to how he would react or whether he would choose to treat Noah.

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