Page 13 of Saved By the SEAL

Jordan doesn’t eat anything, he simply sits and sips his coffee like the caffeine is the only thing to keep him alive. He’s on edge, feeling awkward in my presence, and I don’t know how to pull him out of that mood. It’s driving me insane.

“Let me know what you want from me,” I tell him awkwardly, needing to break the silence. “Like, what time you want to go? I’m ready now, if that’s what you need. I don’t have anything else planned, obviously, so just let me know.”

“Yeah, sure, we can go.” He nods rapidly and finally meets my eyes. But only for a second. His tone remains stiff and uncomfortable too, the kiss still playing heavily between us in the worst way possible. “I’m ready now. I’ll eat on the way.”

I take my coffee too, so thankfully, I’ll have something to keep me distracted as we drive. I don’t think we’ll have much to sayto one another as we go if this is the mood of the day, if this awkwardness is going to stay with us. I can’t see us finding a way to get over this anytime soon. I don’t know if it’s the fact that we overstepped the boundary or if he’s hurt by my running away. How do I let him know that it definitely wasn’t rejection but just me panicking and running away?

No, I can’t tell him anything like that, especially not when we’re on the way to see Max. He’s unlikely to want to talk about anything like that on the way to seeing his boss, and for that I definitely can’t blame him. I don’t think he’s going to want to go into that meeting with the kiss weighing any heavier on him than it already is. I can see it on him right now.

Maybe later. We will probably have a lot of time together to discuss whatever we want to. If he wants to, that is. Something will have to happen unless we want to exist in this weird limbo forever. Not my favorite plan, but it isn’t just me in this.

Jordan sparks the car up to life, and we drive in awkward silence. A couple of times, I open my mouth as I try and think of something to say, but nothing immediately comes to mind. Every conversation topic that I can think of starts to feel stupid before it comes out, so I fall back into silence once more. I just can’t make anything happen. It’s frustrating, actually.

Damn it, that kiss…thatdamnkiss… it was so good, so life-changing, that I wouldn’t change it for anything, except maybe my running away. But it’s hard not to wonder whether it was worth it when we’re stuck in this position. We should have forced ourselves to keep away, to avoid temptation… perhaps I should have just sucked it up and gone to the hairdresser. It was his getting that intimately close to me to dye my hair that did it. It made it impossible to keep the hell away from one another.

11

JORDAN

We both pointedly stare at Max as we wait for him to reveal what we’re really here for. It’s as if we can’t bear to look at one another, but really, I’m too frightened to see her. After the kiss and the intense dream that followed, I don’t know what to expect next. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep myself away from her if our eyes catch again because she’s so intoxicating and she draws me in so strongly, the magnetic pull is too much, and I’m totally unable to resist it.

I also don’t want Max to spot what’s going on between us. That freaks me the hell out too. He seems pretty good at reading between the lines with people, and I’m frightened that he might sense the tension between us. If he thinks that we aren’t getting along, that will be bad for the pair of us, but if he senses that something physical happened between us, then I’m in for it.

I don’t know how Michelle feels about it, either. Maybe I should have tried to talk to her about it instead of avoiding the topic because now, it’s a little weird. I mean, what the hell do I intend to do if she erupts and tells Max everything? She might not know that keeping our little kiss to ourselves is the best way. She mightnot think about it at all. Then I’ll lose this job which I want so badly. I can definitely tell that she’s on edge, which is putting me in a crazy position myself.

“So…” Max’s eyes dart between the pair of us with ease. If he senses anything, then he doesn’t let it show. “I have all the paperwork that I promised you, Michelle. If you want me to just go through it all with you, I can do so now.”

She nods eagerly, so he begins. While they discuss it, I do what I can to gather myself up so when I’m required to be a part of the conversation, I can do so with ease. I don’t want Max to spot any weakness within me. I haven’t forgotten that this is also my chance to prove myself to him. Benji let me know a while ago that the more respect Max has for you, the more work will come your way. I’d love to be in a position where I’m the first one he thinks of… which meansno more kissing clients.

“I don’t really know what industry I want to work in,” Michelle admits shyly to Max. “I know that isn’t great, I’ve been trying to think things through just to see if I can come up with anything I might excel at, and I don’t know for sure. Jordan has said that he’ll help me work it all out, though. He has been really great about that. I hope this won’t be too much of an issue…”

“Hey, you guys work things out however you want to.” Max holds up his hands in a surrendering gesture. “I’m all good. I know you two know more about the situation than me. I have a lot of faith in Jordan to make this work.”

Urgh, that just makes me feel a million times worse. Knowing that he really has genuine faith in me causes guilt to wash over me. I can hardly look him in the eyes as I nod along, agreeing with him. He must be able to see that something is going on with me. Goddamn it, I’m going to have to explain myself atsome point, but what will I even say? There’s no excuse for my attitude.

“Right, well, I don’t think there’s anything else to say,” Max finally tells us. “You guys can get job hunting if you want. I’m sure you want to get a move on in that department to keep on with the amazing progress you’ve made so far.”

Both Michelle and I hesitate before we stand up and get ourselves ready to leave. The prospect of being alone again is a little much for the pair of us, but I suppose we don’t have any choice. We say our goodbyes to Max and leave in silence.

“What should I do now?” Michelle asks as we head toward the car, the awkwardness crushing us. “Job-wise? Should we walk about and see if anywhere has signs in the window to say that they’re looking for anyone? Cafés and stuff like that? I mean, that should be easy enough, right? I could probably do something like that. Do I want to, though? I don’t know…”

I feel like she’s only suggesting this because she doesn’t want to be back at the apartment because no one really does that anymore. “Maybe we should get some of the local newspapers instead. Then we can check the Internet? We’ll get more there.”

“Sure, yeah, that might be better, actually. We might have more luck.” There’s no denying she sounds disappointed. “Hopefully, there will be lot on offer because I’m still a little bewildered at the moment about what I want to do.”

“Well, let’s go and see what we can sort out.” I smile warily at her. “We’ll soon find out what there is, then you can think.”

I know that we’re in for yet another awkward car ride, and that’s exactly what we get. We have a little bit of a chat every now and again about the paperwork Max has given her, but nothingreally goes anywhere and it feels incredibly forced. I want to get past that. I don’t want us to remain inthisplace. Maybe I should bring the kiss up so we can talk around it. I part my lips a couple of times, trying to find an easy way to just get it out in the open already, but it doesn’t happen. I’m a mess.

With arms full of newspapers, we finally get back to the apartment and pile them up on the table. I can already see Michelle’s eyes fill with fear about heading through all of this information to see what she wants to go along with. This is where I’m going to have to pull my head out of my ass to help her. There can’t be any more worrying about awkwardness now. And since we’renotgoing to discuss the kiss… I think we’ve gone beyond that now, so we need to find a way to make things work.

“Right, I’ll make us some coffee,” I declare as I head toward the kettle. “Then we can make a start on this. I’ll get my laptop out too so we can see what’s online. There will be alot, but just think about how much choice that gives you.”

She sort of laughs, but the sound is much too strangled a sound to come across as believable. It’ll be fine, though. I’m sure once we have something else to focus on, it’ll be just fine. Things might even get a little easier between us.

“This is a lot,” Michelle calls to me from the other room. “I really don’t know what I’m going to be any good at or what sort of place will want me. I don’t know who will want me, either. I mean, I’m hardly going to be desired, am I? I can’t really explain where I’ve been over the last few years, which isn’t going to look great, is it? What if no one wants to hire me?”

“It’ll be fine,” I tell her seriously as I bring the drinks over to her. “Wewillfind something. And you can explain the gaps away by saying that you’ve been traveling or you can invent something foreign. No one will look too far into it. It’s a good coverup.”

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