Page 21 of Protected By the SEAL

While Benji sorts out the phone for me, I squeeze my eyes closed to let my life flash before my eyes. My childhood, my happiness when my brothers and sisters started coming along because finally, I had someone to love wholeheartedly and to get that in return. I think about high school, about when people loved me, partly because of who I am but probably mostly because of my family’s wealth, and about how they all faded away from me in the glare of TV fame. I don’t know if it was jealousy or hatred of my life becoming public, but it hurt me a lot. I consider the failed relationships I’ve had and the way I wanted to make something of myself. The way I focused on trying to experience life and the world while going nowhere…

But honestly, the thing that’s freshest in my mind is Benji, and not just because that’s happening right now but because life felt more real with him. I’ve never experienced such an intense, real emotion before. I don’t truthfully know if it’s definitely love, despite my saying that to him before, but it’s the deepest, most powerful feeling ever.

By the time I blink my eyes open again, tears are falling. I suppose I should be grateful that at least I got to feel so many things before I died, at least I got this experience with Benji before the end of my life came for me, but I’m hurt that I couldn’thave more. Just at the moment I realize what it’s all about, what I’ve been searching for, I lose it all.

“I don’t want to die,” I whisper while clutching onto the pain in my stomach. “I don’t want either of us to die here.”

I don’t know if Benji doesn’t hear me or if he simply doesn’t know what to say to me, but he doesn’t respond to my comments about death. Judging by the strain on his face, I don’t think he has any words left inside him. The poor man is in a state.

“Here, the phone is connecting now.” He hands it to me without meeting my gaze. “Hopefully, someone will pick up soon.”

Is the fact that he can’t meet my eyes an indication of this being a goodbye call? Oh, my God, I don’t know how I’ll say farewell to my family. How are people supposed to do this? What should I even say? I kinda wish that I’d heard his goodbye call to his family first, just so I would know what sort of things are expected of me. I know I’m gonna mess it up.

“Hello?” My dad picks up. His voice is filled with fear, and it shoots like lightning to my heart. I can hardly breathe under the pressure of it. I fall back on the bed and sit there for a while, gasping for some much needed air. “Hello, who is it?”

“D–Dad, it’s me,” I finally manage to get out. “I just… I just… I wanted to call to hear from you.”

Ineedto let him know that I’m going to die here. It’s the right thing to do. Otherwise, I might end up giving him hope that he’s going to see me again and everything will be okay. I can’t dash that. Dashed hope is absolutely agonizing.

“Cassie, oh, my God. It’s so good to hear from you.” He’s crying, I can hear it in his voice. I don’t think that I’ve ever heard myfather cry before. “I’m so glad that they got you out. I’ve been so worried. We’re here in lockdown…”

“Dad, I don’t know… I don’t know what’s going to happen.” The thickness in my tone speaks volumes. “I just wanted to…”

“Oh, no.” He’s crumbling. Fucking hell, I’ve made my father crumble. “Oh, no, Cassie, I don’t… I don’t want to?—”

“I… I love you, Dad,” I interrupt because I need to do this fast. “And if I’ve ever said something to upset you, I’m sorry.”

I could bring up the video, but I honestly don’t have the words. I can’t really get anything out other than the essential parts, which I need to focus on right now to ensure that I have no regrets. Well, no more regrets, anyway…

“Dad, I need you to tell Mom that I love her, that she’s been wonderful to me. Always. That I couldn’t have asked for anyone better. I need you… you to tell Nick…” Fuck, this is a whole lot harder than I thought it would be. “That he’s always been awesome and that I’ll miss every chat that we have ever had. That he’s an incredible little brother. Let Alena know that everything will be okay. Even if life seems challenging now, she will get through anything because she’s such a badass. And Kevin… tell him to never change because he’s the sunshine. Even when he’s being sulky, he’s bright and delightful. The twins… just tell them I love them. Let them know about me because… well, I’m sad that I’ll never get to see them grow up.”

“What… what are you saying, Cassie? You can’t be saying all of this because it’s over? You just can’t…”

My God, I never want to go through anything like that again, and I also can’t explain it any more than I already have, either. I slidemy eyes closed and try to stop the endless tears from flowing, not that anything will be able to do that, and I end it.

“Goodbye, Dad. I have to go now, but just know that I love all of you. I love you all so much.”

I collapse into tears as soon as the call is ended, thinking only of the positives in my family. Sure, it’s easy to pick apart the negative bits that I don’t totally love, but at the end of my life, I only want to think of the good bits I had. I haven’t had it bad. I’ve always had everything that I needed, and that’s something to be seriously grateful for.

Benji, strong as always, envelops me in a much-needed hug. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. This is a moment that requires silence. I need to seriously digest what just happened because it was too heavy for me. This whole time period has been tumultuous, the most terrifying set of events to happen to me, and that call was just the end of it.

The yelling and banging get louder and closer. I can hear the gunshots a bit more accurately in here. It’s clearer where they are coming from. We don’t have long before they reach us and then… well, then it’s the end. Then I’ll vanish into nonexistence along with Benji and probably everyone else in this motel, the poor, unfortunate people who have nothing to do with this situation but are in the wrong place at the wrong time. I feel sorrier for them than myself.

“I don’t think we should just sit here and wait around,” Benji tells me in a half whisper. “I think it might be best for us to at least try and escape, don’t you think? It’s going to be dangerous, but sitting here puts us in danger as well.”

I nod eagerly. “Yes, I think I would at least like to try. Sitting here’s making me feel ill. I want to get out.”

The chances of our actually getting out of here without being struck by a bullet is crazy low, I’m not naive enough to not understand that, but I’ve spent my whole life sitting around, not fighting for things as much as I would like to, and I would like to change that, at least at the end. If I go out fighting, then it’ll be better. I can have that much pride in myself.

“Should we get all our stuff together?” I ask Benji anxiously. It’s gotten a bit tossed around the room in the stress of things.

“No, we don’t have time. None of it is that important, anyway. We need to start acting right away. That way, we might get out.”

“Lighter loads will be better too, I guess.” I try to smile, to make this lighthearted, but honestly, none of this is lighthearted. It’s all very messy. “Do you have your gun with you or are we just going to run like the wind?”

“Trust me, if they hadn’t snatched my gun from me, I would have been out there looking for you when you were recording that video. It was only because I knew that I was no use to you dead that I didn’t do a damn thing.”

Hmm, that puts even more of a dampener on our chances of survival. If Benji didn’t go out without a weapon before when there wasn’t any shooting, then we are pretty much fucked now. But it’s that or nothing. It’s that or sitting here and waiting to be the beheaded victim in the video. I really don’t want that shit. Even if my family are now expecting it, I don’t want them to see it. A gunshot will be faster and probably less painful as well, I imagine. Fuck knows, I know nothing about this shit.

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