Page 31 of Guarded By the SEAL

I don’t even consider it for half a second. I already know that I don’t want to, so why beat around the bush? This woman is never going to be for me. She’s never going to affect me like Petra does, so even speaking to her is a waste of time if she wants a man. It won’t get either of us anywhere.

“I want to go,” I reply to Benji while pointing behind me. My new friend doesn’t even wander off when I turn my attention to him. “I don’t think that being here is the best idea for me now.”

It’s been a good night. I enjoyed being in the bars where I was surrounded by my guys and we could all hear one another talk. But ever since we walked into this nightclub, it’s been too much. The guys have mostly scattered, off with various women they want to have some fun with, and I’m kinda done.

After doing nothing for days, this is wearing me out. How crazy is that? Normally, I never stop.

“You can’t go. I need some advice,” Benji replies. “I have a job coming up soon. One like yours.”

He continues talking, but I can’t catch his words. I can’t possibly give him any advice in here, can I? He should have spoken to me earlier. Or maybe wait until we get home. That could work as well. I point to my ears and shake my head a few times, but Benji, like the woman from before, doesn’t seem to get it.

I resist the urge to sigh loudly. Really, how the hell does anyone do this? How do people like it? Maybe once upon a time, I enjoyed nights out like this, but something has irrevocably shifted in me. I don’t want any of it anymore. The only person I really want to be around probably wants me dead.

“I’m going.” I don’t know if Benji can hear me, but I back away anyway. “I need to go home.”

The idea of being anywhere but here already allows my shoulders to roll back and relax. And I don’t think that I would mind being on my own at the moment. Some space to breathe would be most welcome, and my friends doing everything that they can to cheer me up might make it easier to think.

I pause for a second, lapping up the cool night air as it washes over me, but that quickly becomes a very obvious mistake. Thewoman from inside the night club has followed me and is trying to take my hand.

“So, are we going back to your place or mine?” she demands with a smirk. “Thanks for getting rid of your friend like that. It was starting to get a little awkward, wasn’t it? Like, get the hint already.”

This statement is almost laughable since she is the one who quite clearly won’t get the hint. “No, I’m not going anywhere.” I gently peel myself away from her. “And you aren’t coming with me. I am terribly sorry for the misunderstanding, but I will be going home alone. I need some time and space.”

Her face turns into a frown for just the briefest of seconds. “Okay, well, I will get your number, then. We can hang out another time, right? We had a really good night together, don’t you think?”

“I couldn’t hear you,” I admit. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to be an asshole, but I’m with someone.”

That’s the closest that I can get to the truth because my heart is with Petra. Even if she hates me, I can’t possibly imagine even considering another woman. I can’t see that changing anytime soon.

“You have a wife?” she yells while throwing her hands in the air in disgust. “Wear your ring, then.”

She storms off, back inside the nightclub, leaving me a little speechless, to be perfectly honest. That was a weird exchange. It’s a reminder of why I have avoided the dating scene since my divorce. I guess that’s what I’ll be heading back to, more loneliness, no more dating, to just being me…

“Hey, don’t go.” Benji joins me outside to stop me from slipping too deep into that mood. “Sorry, I couldn’t hear you inside there. Is everything okay? Do you need something? We’re all here for you.”

“I know.” I smile and nod back. “And I appreciate it. But I might go home soon. Oh, what were you saying inside about doing a security job? I couldn’t hear the details of it. It was too noisy.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about that. We can talk about it another time. It isn’t starting yet. We need to talk about you first and how we’re going to make you happy. I think you need to discuss Petra with me. This is a good time, isn’t it? Since we’re in a good place now, you’ve had a good night and everything.”

“I still don’t know if I can,” I admit sadly. “It just breaks my heart because I miss her so much.”

“Then, why don’t you go to her?” Benji offers me a casual one-shouldered shrug as he says this. “Why don’t you go and speak to her? Right now, you are only making assumptions about how she feels. You have no real idea. Until you speak with her personally and you find out, you will never know.”

“But what if she hates me, Benji? What if she can’t stand to look at me? It will be horrible.”

“But at least you’ll know. It’s worse to spend all your time wondering ‘what if?’. Life is too short for that. As someone who has worked as a SEAL, you should know that as well as I do.”

Hmm. Maybe it’s the booze, maybe it’s the desperation, I’m not too sure, but Benji’s words seem to be working on me. I can’t help but lean into the idea that it would be a good thing for me to go and see Petra. Maybe I won’t get the reaction that I want from Petra, but not knowing will kill me.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I muse. “I mean, things can’t be any worse than they already are, can they? And if I know for certain that Petra hates me, then I suppose I can move away like I was going to anyway.”

“Well, I don’t want you to do that, I will be honest, but I do want you to be happy.” Benji points behind me. “There is a cab over there. Obviously, you can’t drive because you’ve been drinking. Go to her now. See her.”

His words inspire me. This is the right thing to do, isn’t it? For clarity. And it might be better for Petra as well, for her closure. I’m sure that woman has plenty of things that she wants to say to me. Maybe it will help me to come to terms with things if she yells at me. I can accept it more, perhaps.

“Yeah, thank you, Benji.” I smile gratefully at my friend. “Thank you for everything that you have done for me through this challenging time. I will be there for you whenever you need me, too. I can give you advice whenever you need it. But for now… I really need to go, don’t I? Try and see if there’s a chance.”

“With love, there is always a chance.” He pauses thoughtfully for a second. “Well, probably. I don’t know, having never been in love myself. But one day, probably, I will get the chance, and all will be awesome.”

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